To help or not to help...

Tropez

I don't have the greatest relationship with my family but there is one family member who I have generally had a good relationship with, although communication has often been sparse.

They have a similar background to me, having been given up by their birth parents but never formally adopted. This might be one of the reasons we've generally gotten along with each other.

However, they've had a more difficult life and have struggled with severe depression for the bulk of it.

Now, they're looking to finally getting their life in order. I've spoken to them a bit recently and they're a lot more positive, have some plans about moving forward and are looking to actually get a start to their life.

They wanted to take on an Open University course to gain some qualifications, only there's a snag. To apply for the loan they need to prove their identity and they don't have the correct evidence. Their passport is out of date. Their birth certificate lists their birth name which they haven't ever used and was apparently changed "officially" (for want of a better word) when they were 11 but all the documentation supporting this has been lost by their mother.

It seems to me that the easiest way to fix this is to get their passport renewed as from my personal experience I was not asked for copies of documentation proving my name change from what is shown on my birth certificate when I renewed mine, but as time is of the essence (the last day to register was today for an October start) they're going to need to use either the Fast-track or Premium service, which is over £100 and get to a passport office.

They don't have the money for this so I have been thinking, as a one off, to throw them a rope and pay for them to get a passport quickly so they can fill in the online form which only asks for a passport number and the valid to and from dates and they'll be able to get their loan.

But at the same time I'm wary of the fact that they drop in and out of communication quite often so I don't really "know" them and I don't want them thinking I'll be willing to pay out for them regularly (I have a wedding abroad to pay for! :rotfl:)

paulineb_2

Thats a very nice gesture. I dont know if this is the same, but when my brother was going on holiday abroad for the first time he couldnt get a passport until his name was changed as his surname was the same as mine and my mums (she still uses her first married name and has for a long time), but his stepdads name was on his bc.

So he signed a declaration, paid about £30 I think, just saying that was the name he had always been known as and then he was able to get a passport

Which might not help your relative at the moment, but I think the passport office might not grant a passport if the birth cert and the current name doesnt match, they certainly wouldnt give my bro a passport until he had proof of his name change being official, even though he had been known by the surname, same as mine since he was 2.

The only thing I could suggest is, if they do hit a brick wall, let the OU know and see what can be done

Or, see if theres any way some modules could be done at a local college even if its just for another 12 months until the issue is sorted

Its a nice thing, to care like that and you could be making a big difference to their life, I hope it gets sorted out.

Tropez

She has a passport already but it is expired and the student fee folk will only accept the passport number of a valid one.

I had to renew my passport a couple of years ago and like my relation my name differs from that on my birth certificate but they didn't ask me to provide further documentation, presumably because I had done so for my first passport, so I'm hoping that it would be the same scenario for her.

I had a look through the required information for adult passport renewals and it didn't say anything about even needing a birth certificate, so it looks like her best bet to get registered on her course in time.

The course fees are something like £2,500 (much more than when I last did some OU courses!) so she'll need a loan regardless of where she studies I imagine.

paulineb_2

The OU is expensive, I looked into it a few years ago when I was out of work and I couldnt afford it

But its possible that maybe she could do some studying at a local uni, part time without incurring the same costs

Its just something to think about, because there are always ways, my local college does a lot of courses where if people are on a low income, you get fee waivers

Just incase she doesnt get the passport thing sorted in time.

But if you can get it sorted, hopefully all will be ok for her to start study this year with the OU

Counting_Pennies_2

It sounds like they have chance for a positive change and it is lovely of you to consider it. It is hard when someone has nowhere to turn.

I would perhaps send a communication, maybe email to say that you would like to help them out with a loan, that could be repaid when they start earning.

Don't make it look like a hand out as your fears might be right and they think you are a cash point.

marisco_2

How confident are you that the money would be repaid, and how does loaning it impact on you, what with the wedding plans and all? Personally I think just over £100 is a small amount to loan, to enable someone who has overcome a difficult start in life to finally make a real go of things. It would also be a small loss to me if they threw my generosity and kindness in my face and didn't repay the money. I guess it depends on whether you are willing to take a chance on this person.

Tropez

Personally, I don't loan people money because I can't be bothered with the faffing about of getting it back, any excuses, "oh I forgot, sorry" or anything else like that.

If I did do it, I'd just give them the money for the passport as a one off.

Hermia

Tropez wrote: »

Personally, I don't loan people money because I can't be bothered with the faffing about of getting it back, any excuses, "oh I forgot, sorry" or anything else like that.

If I did do it, I'd just give them the money for the passport as a one off.

Same here. I wouldn't go down the loan route. You only have to read these boards to see what loans do to family relationships. If you are happy about giving them the money, but don't want it to become a regular thing could you say you want to give it to them as a extra special early Christmas present.

I_try

I would give them the £100 to sort the passport if you can afford to give it. It is a little bit of help that could make such a massive difference to that person. You are helping them to help themselves. If they ever turn around and start asking for money just say no.

It is lovely that you would think to do such a kind thing.

Tropez

Hermia wrote: »

Same here. I wouldn't go down the loan route. You only have to read these boards to see what loans do to family relationships. If you are happy about giving them the money, but don't want it to become a regular thing could you say you want to give it to them as a extra special early Christmas present.

Early Christmas present actually sounds like a good reason.

Thanks

itsanne

If you're looking for another family to join, Tropez, we'd love to have you.

It's a lovely gesture you're making. Why not just tell the truth, that you'd like to help make a difference with a one off gift to help her get started?