What do I do.....

ailuro2

Stand right next to your DH on this one,your DH sounds as if his head is screwed on the right way round:T

Your son is a manipulating teenager who is getting it all laid out on a plate for him- it's not the best thing for him either, because he will get a mighty shock when he has to live in the real world and work for a living.

You're also making a rod for some other woman's back- my MIL may not be perfect, but all her kids knew how to pull their weight when sharing a home.Makes it a lot easier (and happier) for me than being married to a slob would be.

Reading this I know my tone doesn't sound very friendly- it's not meant to come across this way, I just can't find a better way of putting it.:o

snowmaid

Michaela wrote: »

My son and OH are at logger heads at the moment over something lastweek and my son is using the "you arent my dad crap with me when I refer to him as his dad"

Its bloodey hard work, you think it gets easier the older they get!

Thanks though.

Oh spoke to my sons real dad and he is in total agreement with me and OH which is good to know!

Oh it is wonderful if your OH and ex can get along and agree on disciplining. :T

Have you perhaps considered the possibility of asking your ex to come round, you, your OH and him have a chat to discuss the way forward, AGREE on steps to be taken and then sit and have a nice chat, TOGETHER with your son? Not lambasting him or moaning at him, but all sitting together, perhaps over a meal, asking what his goals are, what steps should be taken etc? If you all show a united front, so that he cannot run crying to daddy, firstly the bond between the 3 of you could be positive for him and secondly he cannot carry or exagerate the boundaries being set! :rolleyes:

chugalug

Hi, I don't really have anything different to contribute - really just to say that lots of us out here know what you're going through and that it does get better!!

I was very worried about my daughter at one point. She'd managed to scrape through her exams at school and started her A levels full of enthusiasm - she managed year one and then couldn't wait to get out. Its not that she's stupid, on the contrary, she's very bright, I think she'd just had enough. Then we had a period a bit like your son - I thought she was never going to sort herself out. BUT, cos I always insisted they helped round the house, she did more of that. She had no money and basically stayed at home for nearly a year. I think it was a loss of confidence. Anyway, when she needed money she found a job in a bakers which she absolutely hated. Then realised, that was all that was open to her if she didn't do something about it. Now she's found her niche. She travels round the country fundraising (yes she's a 'chugger') which she absolutely loves. She meets people, earns money, parties, learns to deal with loads of abuse, makes friends, gets to feel as though she's making a difference and is now saving to go travelling abroad. She's like a different person:D

If I could say one thing - you say you have to go through this again so I'm assuming you have younger children. If so, make things easier for yourself now and get them doing for themselves as early as possible, then, when they get to be stroppy teenagers, there's no question about what they're expected to do. With all mine, if they don't contribute to the household either financially or by helping, they don't get anything out - bit like life really!

StartingAgainKayla70

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT, PLS SEE THE FIRST POST AS I NEED SOME QUICK ADVICE. THANKS

poe.tuesday

oh Michaela (((((hugs)))))

I think that you and your OH need to sit down and chat about things in private, he should not all of a sudden start with new rules without consulting you, you need to have a united front when it comes to your son, it's not about taking sides and it certainly is not about flinging any bit of dirt you can recal to throw at each other

if you are cooking then there is nothing wrong in cooking for everyone, your OH says that your son should cook his own food, then the same rule should then apply to him, it is all rather pety, you are stilll a family and should all be treated as such.

get out of the house with your OH and chat to him, you know that the issues with your son will take time but slowly, working together you can get there, you both have to agree to boundaries and rules for your son to abide by if he wishes to stay living with you, arguing with your OH only draws you to taking sides with your son when you see your OH being unfair, if you know the have agreed the rules to start with then at least the issues with you and your OH should stop

as for the fathers day issue, this is not your issue, it's not your fault and your OH needs to get over himself a tad, afterall it's pure commercialism (IMO), if your OH wants to feel loved by your son, he doesn't need a special day to recieve it and maybe, just maybe, your son is not feeling much love towards him at this time

good luck and keep your cool

ailuro2

I agree- sit down with your DH and come up with aplan that you can both agree on.Then sit down and tell your sons this is how things are going to be from now on.If anyone doesn't like it they can leave.

You chose your OH for a reason, and while son number 1 is feeling a bit unloved, he has brought a fair amount of it on himself. I do feel sorry for you being piggy in the middle- but I agree with your oh- I'd never ever tell my DH to eff off:eek: or my daughter for that matter- if things have become that terse,then you really need to sit down nd talk calmly before all of you end up living under separate roofs.:rolleyes:

melancholly

your OH won't really be upset about making your son a sandwich - it'll just be that single event that was an excuse for him to kick off. i think you need to talk to him about things because he's clearly carrying a lot of resentment that should be brought up so that it can be dealt with. hope the rest of the say goes smoothly....!

pinkshoes

I can see why your OH is upset, because your son should be using his free time to cook, clean, do the washing etc... rather than staying in bed all day, and treating your home like a hotel.

You need to discuss this all with your OH, and come up with a plan of action, and show a united front.

If that was my son, I'd either give him the option of becoming full time "housewife", given that he only has a few hours of his time taken up per week and has no job, or he can pay £50/week rent to contribute to food/bills, and do 1/3 of the housework (including cooking for everyone).

he's at that awkward age where he wants you to treat him like an adult, but refuses to accept any adult responsibility for his life.

After you and OH have reached an agreement (and maybe a compromise back up plan), then the 3 of you should sit down with your son and discuss his future plans. Treat him as an adult and make sure he has a fair say, and gets to express his thoughts without either of you being defensive or butting in.

poppyscorner

I have to say I agree with the above I think your son is taking the !!!! out of you both from age 13 I had a paper round and I earned my own pocket money had to do my own washing and ironing from 15yrs and as soon as I was 16 I started work part time I waitressed and did A levels when I finished those it was straight into FT work I am 25 now have 2 kids of my own and married.
I have to admit at his age I liked to laze in bed and cursed my mum for making me do my own washing something she only started doing because when she was doing it I would take it upstairs and lay it on the bedroom floor until it eventually got all creased and dusty from the floor I was brought up to be independant but now I run my own house I am grateful to her for it.

I think you all need to sit down together and talk it out he can't be allowed to swear at you I would never have done that to my parents he needs to show you and OH some respect as petty as it sounds kicking off over a sarnie I agree with what was posted above that it was probably just an excuse to kick off the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

It needs sorted ASAP as it will have an effect on your other kids and it is already affecting your marriage.
I also agree with maybe asking your ex to have a word it can't hurt can it ?
Good luck with it all
Poppy

StartingAgainKayla70

well, we had a chat me and OH and he basically said that he has two choices and he doesnt want to make the other one else he would lose me.

In other words he wanted my son out the house, there is no way on earth that would happen.

I asked him to talk to my son, but he said he wasnt in the right frame of mind at the moment, but he still hasnt said when he will speak to him.

Today my son starts his own washing and ironing, I bought him his own wash basket yesterday and put it in his room.

Thanks for the advice, will have to see how it goes with them both.