OH is leaving me. Am I entitled to anything?

Narla

My husband of 26 years wants us to separate and after initially being devastated I realise that we have to remain calm and try to sort this out between us, especially so that our children (aged 23 and 20) think this is amicable.

We are in the process of having valuations done on our home so that we can both buy separate properties. Our son has moved into rented accommodation recently and our daughter is at university for the next two years. Neither of us wants to 'waste' money by renting which is how we see it.

Husband has asked if we can sort everything out amicably and without the additional costs of solicitors and in principle I think this is going to be best. He has suggested that we split everything down the middle and come to our own agreements about who gets what.

Financially we both earn a similar amount (thank goodness I qualified a few years ago after always working part time).

Has anyone please got any advice for me in terms of:
Is this the best thing for us to do?
Where could I go for guidance that won't cost a fortune?
What do I need to consider to make sure I am not being financially disadvantaged by this?
Should we both agree to equally financially support our daughter until she finishes her education?
Should I be able to remain in our family home until she finishes Uni?
Or would I need to be able to 'buy him out' at this stage - which i will not be able to.

I'm sure there will be a lot more for me to think about but for now I'm just about coping with my emotions.

Thanks in advance.

StuC75

When I was 20 and at Uni (even in home town) I had moved out from parents and was supporting myself.. Not sure if at 20 is an age where theres such a requirement to provide a roof for your children..

although with Marriage, and mortgages \ properties and pensions and earning potentials - there lots of areas that a solicitor could really go to town on.. but with that skill comes a lot of cost..

Caroline_a

I would at least talk to a solicitor. In my experience, you never actually know anyone until you leave them. You need to consider pensions, as your husband may have a bigger pot than you, in which case that will need to be looked at too.

If you use a solicitor then at least you know that the bases will all have been covered, and you won't be walked over. Which in my experience is what happens when 'we don't need solicitors, we can do it ourselves' is said....

[Deleted User]

I would seek the advise from a solicitor. But first both decide what you want. Not sure if you still can, but I got a free consultation many years ago.
You don't know what the future will hold. What if for instance your daughter didn't finish Uni (not saying she wont) but then she would have to be looked after. My son didn't leave home until aged 23 and although financially he was working. He made the decision to stay with me.

Prothet_of_Doom

Narla wrote: »

Should we both agree to equally financially support our daughter until she finishes her education?
Should I be able to remain in our family home until she finishes Uni?


Thanks in advance.

So basically a 50:50 split of everything...pension, money he's been sythoning off for years etc... ?

My not involving a solicitor, you have to trust him, and he you.

By involving one, some money will be wasted, paying for him/her.

My sister's american lawyer uncovered $500,000 her ex had hidden away over 26 years.

I digress

Okay, Daughter an adult, and is supported by Student Loans, and will understand that neither of you can commit to helping her much financially, but once back on your feet, will individually do what you think is right.

You should not even think about remaining in the family home, unless you are able to buy his share out. He should not have to provide anything if he doesn't want. If you can afford to take the mortgage on, or are able by renting a spare room out to a student, then that's your decision. It'll be a quicker split. If it stays amicable, then your OH will after 26 years still feel some loyalty to you, and might reduce his valuation if he sees a quicker way out .

In reality, he will want to help both his children, as you do, so will probably want to make sure he has enough room in his new place for them to stay.

I suspect the only addition that a solicitor would look for is a share of his pension, and ensure that there is no hidden debts, or savings and vice versa.

RAS

Of course he wants you to do this without a solicitor; that way you remain ignorant of your rights in the financial settlement.

As you worked part-time for many years, you may be entitled to slightly more than half.

Do either of you have pensions?

Narla

Thanks for all your replies. They are very helpful.

We both have work pensions so I will try and get the information about them both to see the difference.

I don't think he will have any other money saved away. His wages go into our joint account and the bills go out from there. We have equal access to this. My wages go into my account and i pay the general spending costs.

I will think about speaking to a solicitor. But I'll try and get more free advice first ;-)

RAS

A good starting point is wikidivorce.

You can do the divorce without alawyer but I strongly recommend to everyone that they get legal advice before agreeing a financial settlement.

We have seen some absolute horror stories on several forums here; like the lady who paid her OH to "buy" him out but remained joint tenants and allowed him to ignore the value of an overseas property held in his sole name and bought from their joint finds.

maman

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Okay, Daughter an adult, and is supported by Student Loans, and will understand that neither of you can commit to helping her much financially, but once back on your feet, will individually do what you think is right.

You might have already agreed to some financial help for your DD, like some sort of allowance. If that's the case then I think this should continue and at least one of you have a place big enough for her to come back to in vacation time. That would be a priority for me, especially as you want to appear amicable to the children.

As others have said, asking advice is a good idea, well worth the cost of a consultation. My first thought was that if your OH means half of current assets then you'd be at a disadvantage as you can't have built up a similar pension. That does need to be taken into consideration. Why not ask your DH what he considers a 50/50 split? And how are you going to hold him to it? Will there be a legal document? What about wills? I know you don't want to appear untrusting but his circumstances could change, he could have a new wife/family in the future and then he might be persuaded to renege on a verbal agreement.

You're very wise to be thinking this through before jumping in and agreeing.

pmlindyloo

Have a thorough read of this:

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_relationship_problems_e/ending_a_marriage.htm#financial_arrangements_at_the_end_of_a_marriage

lots of sensible advice here.

If you really do not want to use a solicitor at the moment then you could consider Family mediation. They will help and support you through making agreements about financial matters/children etc etc. These agreements are not legally binding but they could be made so by taking them to a solicitor and having a legal agreement drawn up.

I must stress that Family mediators are not about getting you back together again but about how to sort things out when you have agreed to split up.

There is a fee charged but it is a lot cheaper than using a solicitor. (More information about Family Mediation in the link.)

marisco_2

I cant add to the great advice you have already been given. Just wanted to say that I am really sorry you are going through such an awful time. I hope you have friends and family around to offer lots of support.