This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

themadvix

Wonderful news Watty, and entirely the right result. Take care of yourself though - Karma's right, there's a lot of stress hormones that will need to dissipate.

family355

Brilliant news! Hopefully this is now finally  the start of the end, regarding getting that horrible ex out of your life for good 

Humdinger1

Utterly wonderful news @Watty1.  Look forward to hearing more when you're ready as the emotional process will certainly have taken its toll.  Your new life starts here...after a good night's sleep and delicious food.   Onwards and upwards love Humdinger xx 

daisy_1571

Great news to hear, as above,  take care

Daisy Xx

Watty1

Can't sleep so just catching up on here.  been reading diaries and smiling along and sending good wishes to those who need them. 

Thank you all for your comments love and support.   I'm amazed at how many have read and followed this story. That is very humbling.

I'm glad I did not back down and give in but my goodness it was hard to stand up.   What started as a route of asking how I challenged the local council decision on council tax and why my ex was lying about where he lived ended up in the family courts with me gaining an occupation order.   I took a friend for support and that helped keep me calm and over a pre court coffee she helped me with some words.  I booked in and was just shaking and pretty much dissociated from what was happening and incredibly the usher told me there was a woman from a domestic abuse agency in a room in the corner and why didn't I have a chat with her.  The astounding thing is that this woman sits in this court room just one day a week - and - Thursday was her day.  I felt the universe or whatever I believe in was looking after me at that point.   The woman was wonderful, turned out to be a McKenzie Friend which meant she could come in with me. I'd asked for special measures so there was a screen dividing the room in half.  I could see the judge but that was it.  I didn't see my ex or his barrister. The Judge asked the McKenzie friend who she was, she gave her name and her organisation and said it was a domestic abuse agency.   At that point I suddenly felt that the world believed me.   I knew I was unlikely to meet the threshold (me weak spot) but my ex has a house of his own (my strong spot).  

I was asked a couple of questions, roundly told off by the judge for having allowed the VNM to virtually move in so i apologised and called him Sir. It was reminiscent of being in front of the head teacher at school.   However it was evident he had read my (very long) witness statement.  The "other side" had filed their position statement very late and the Judge had not seen it.  I was passed a note by the McKenzie friend saying this was a common tactic in these cases and clearly the Judge had seen that one many times before.  He very nicely asked if I had seen it and read it.  Then asked his barrister to sum up their position which seemed to be he can't move out because he has no where else to live.  This is the standard defence for these orders and the reason they are not granted usually.   The Judge was so insightful.  He just asked one question:  "when will his house be ready".  There was a lot of conferring between barrister and client and the answer came back "now".  I was astounded, the judge had totally destroyed the defence with one question.  I realised it was actually going my way.   The Judge said then 28 days should be enough time to pack and move out and after that you can only visit by arrangement and agreement.   Unsurprisingly the barrister challenged this saying he needed 6 weeks because he was away blah blah.  The Judge then asked me if I could agree with that, guiding me that if I said no and they demanded a full hearing it could take longer and so I agreed.  To be honest I think I would have agreed with anything at that point.

I also agreed that my witness statement has been "vacated" which I think means not proved.   Again, I don't mind.  My witness statement cited a lot of examples of economic abuse (paying off the mortgage instead of investing in my pension being a large one) and I know this is a hard one to prove.   I could possibly have forced the point but the object was to let me live in the house without the stress.  I have achieved that.

The usher looked after me as the case ended letting me know my ex and his barrister were in the room next door and she would let me know when he had left the building.  So I sat with my friend and the lady from the domestic abuse charity in a state of shock.   I have been given some advice about taking a lot of photographs of the house so I can prove if anything is removed without my consent or damaged in that time.  I think I was probably given more advice but i can't remember that as it was all a blur

My friend drove me home and fancied a cup of tea but the VNM had a chilled bottle of Prosecco on the table so we had a glass of that instead and celebrated the start of my life.  I pretty much spent the remainder of the day on the sofa.   I know the reason i can't sleep is a stress reaction and my brain is overloaded.

The today I had an email from my conveyancing solicitor which simply said "Wow! i dont know what you have done but you did it! Scroll down".   I did and found his conveyancing solicitor had sent an email that said further to her last (in which she basically said all this can be sorted out in court) her client felt he now had no choice but to agree to the overage agreement on the land.

I sent a note back saying I was astounded by events as he was but in case he was wondering I got an Occupation Order in the family court with the aid of a book, google and an advice line.

What I did not say was that I have learnt a lot about boundaries, bullying and covert control. 

Suffolk_lass

This is wonderful @Watty1, just wonderful news. Many congratulations. I can only imagine how emotionally stressful it was. If I were you I would take a print of your post above and keep it. The resilience you have shown is just remarkable. Hang on in there, six weeks takes you to Good Friday. Now that will be better than an Easter Egg! Don't be surprised if you don't feel HP for a while, these things take time to work through. Well done x

SusieT

That is really great to read, you may have been a bit lacking in requirements, but so stupid for them to file that late so the judge did not see it. Huge kudos to you for going through with it, that will have shaken him, as they will have expected you to back off when they tried the scare tactics. How you managed to get heard on a day when the anti abuse lady was there is amazing, even if she could not speak for you it must have been a huge support to have her beside you. You did the best thing by saying yes to everything, makes you seem very reasonable, plus with the win there is no point having another court appearance when they would be much better prepared, moreso as the solicitor will know they are up against someone who is not a walk over even if you do not have legal backing.

If you remember any more snippets of the advice it is worth writing them down, the state you would have been in will have sent most of them straight out again, but some may come back to you later.  Abuse and control come in a lot of different ways, the problem is that it starts so slowly and with tiny things that it is rarely noticed at the beginning, then when you are in too deep it is so very hard to get out even if you can see it and admit it is happening.

Absolutely fantastic that the conveyancing is seeming to be going ahead, hopefully that means that it will soon be yours and that you can start your new life with the house to look forwards to - hopefully it will soon be champagne and house warming party time  

Humdinger1

Utterly, utterly wonderful @Watty1.  As @Suffolk_lass says, this is the best Easter egg ever!!! So you don't have to pay ex anything else.  I am in awe of your resilience and planning love Humdinger xx 

badmemory

Excellent news!

daisy_1571

Wonderful news to read.  I'm sure you will be up one moment and exhausted the next over the next few days.  Try to rest while you can.

Maybe try to naturally have someone else around most of the time for next 6 weeks to help in case ex turns on the charm again and wrongfoots you into agreeing to something that appears reasonable but drags it on longer.

End is in sight, well done keeping firm against his bullying, niceness, laughter, control, chopping and changing his demands etc etc etc for years.  He's good at coming from a new direction so protect yourself against being fooled at this last minute.  Keep your good humour and your niceness outwardly with that awareness underneath and you'll be grand 

Daisy xx