feeling sorry for myself

ERICS_MUM

Sorry, just read this back and it's very self-indulgent - please indulge me !!

Having a bout of feeling very unhappy and nothing I can do about it. I live alone and just need a hug from the "love of my life" but he cleared off years ago. I also have bouts of nasty depression which I control well but which bubble under the surface ready to pop up on occasions like this :mad:.

My Mum is 89 and spent 3 weeks in hospital with COPD/chest/urinary infections. She has been home 6 weeks now and has completely changed from how she was before.

She moves from bed to settee in the morning, then settee to bed at night. Has a carer to wash her in the morning and I do everything else - shopping, cooking, housework, laundry, deal with social services, manage her meds, money, etc.

She won't eat properly, won't walk around her flat, certainly won't go to the communal lounge for social events (lives in a lovely retirement complex and used to join in everything) nor go out to Costa Coffee with me. Won't wash her hair. I keep a foldable wheelchair in my car so she only has to get in and out of the car. I've suggested meals on wheels but she flatly refuses, just wants me to cook for her.

I've tried being "kind", being tough, I've cried with fear and frustration, asked her to do things "for me", asked her to meet me "half-way" in doing simple tasks, but she ignores my "pleas".

She says she feels very ill but I've had the doctor come out twice, plus paramedics, plus the COPD nurse (3 times) and they can't say why she feels so bad. Pulse, heart, SATS and blood sugar (shes diabetic) are all fine.

She will reach the stage very soon when she will be physically unable to do anything and I'm worried her mental state will follow.

I get very little help from my siblings.

The bottom line is - am I building up my hopes unrealistically in trying to re-habilitate Mum ? Should I just let her be, accept that maybe deep down she has "given up" ? How do I cope with this, I'm a fighter and would find it difficult to just watch her decline.

I know there's no perfect solution but any advice would be really kind.

Thanks

Tiddlywinks

When your mum says she feels bad, what does she mean? Can you try to get something more detailed from her?

Is she tired, in pain (which bits), achy or feeling down?

Is there a chance she is depressed? Or has she lost her confidence? Sometimes being ill can lead to the fear of overdoing things and getting sick again.

You really need to have more of a gentle heart to heart and try to get to the nub of how she is feeling.

BitterAndTwisted

If she refuses to co-operate then I fear you are being unrealistic. Apart from having the appropriate services out to look at her physical well-being have you shared your concerns about her change of attitude with anyone? Maybe she hasn't given up but just doesn't know how to summon the interest any longer? Perhaps her illnesses have made her more poorly than everyone understands, I dunno.

What I do know is that this must be very difficult for you and the others who are trying to care for her.

If you categorically refuse to cook for her because you can't what do you suppose her reaction might be?

ERICS_MUM

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

When your mum says she feels bad, what does she mean? Can you try to get something more detailed from her?

Is she tired, in pain (which bits), achy or feeling down?

Is there a chance she is depressed? Or has she lost her confidence? Sometimes being ill can lead to the fear of overdoing things and getting sick again.

You really need to have more of a gentle heart to heart and try to get to the nub of how she is feeling.

you are so right, I've tried to cover all these points with her but she just won't or maybe cannot, articulate how she feels about anything. I do think she has lost confidence and might be depressed but she disagrees with me.

onetomany

what about ordering meals then the carer can put them in microwave x

ERICS_MUM

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If she refuses to co-operate then I fear you are being unrealistic. Apart from having the appropriate services out to look at her physical well-being have you shared your concerns about her change of attitude with anyone? Maybe she hasn't given up but just doesn't know how to summon the interest any longer? Perhaps her illnesses have made her more poorly than everyone understands, I dunno.

What I do know is that this must be very difficult for you and the others who are trying to care for her.

If you categorically refuse to cook for her because you can't what do you suppose her reaction might be?

Again I think you are spot on. Re the cooking - she has always been fussy about food even when we were kids, she would be quite prepared to not eat rather than do it herself or have mels on wheels etc. I wouldn't chance it.

Tiglath

I went through this with my Mum last year after some medical problems. The doctor said it was depression but I think it was more that her friends abandoned her when she needed them and she was just very hurt. It took her over a year to get her confidence back, and she chose to get herself involved in a local daycare centre where she's made some new friends.

BitterAndTwisted

In which case she might be quite aware of the power she has over you where meals are concerned. Not in a cynical and manipulative way, but exercising control over the only thing she might feel she does have control over.

Illness and the recovery process can leave all of us feeling terribly vulnerable and that's not just confined to the 89 year old ones among us.

I'd have a chat with the others who are helping her, as I daresay they won't have missed this change in her attitude.

Sparklyfairy

Hi there, 6 weeks is a relatively short time to recoup for an 89 year old in my opinion. But also there may be other health issues the doctors haven't been able to pick up yet. I know that when I feel ill (I have ME & when it flares up, it's horrid) I feel like utter poo (sorry) but please be gentle towards her.

Also, just wanted to add, years ago my grandmother had a fall in her garden & broke her hip. They had her in hospital, then moved her to a care home. One visit I took her to see her doctor & he was a harsh man, really demanded she did her physio to help her. When he touched her she just cried (she was always a cantankerous woman when she was younger). Anyhow, it transpired that she had bone cancer & died not long after. My point is that although medicine is advancing, sometimes it doesn't show the entire picture. If she doesn't feel well, just be there for her. ((Hugs)) to you, this cannot be easy for you at all, either. I hope things improve for you both X

marisco_2

Your post doesn't come across as self indulgent at all OP. More as of a daughter doing her upmost for her elderly mum, I suspect often at the expense of your own well being emotional and otherwise, who is just seeking advice on how to cope with a situation that understandably really worries you. Is there anyone around for you to talk to and lean on for support? Do you have a friend nearby that you could call on and explain just what is happening and how you are feeling? Sometimes the easiest thing to say is the hardest to do, but it really is important that you look after and pace yourself so as not to get overwhelmed by all that is going on.

6 weeks is a very short time for someone of your mums age to get over the type of illnesses that she had. Try to get to the bottom of how she is feeling and see if you can persuade her to visit her gp to be checked over. When you next speak to social services raise with them your concerns over the general decline you see in her, and ask them if there is anything they can do to provide extra support. Often knowing that you don't have to face and cope with everything by yourself can make situations much easier to deal with. I am very sorry that you are having a difficult time and I hope things will improve for yourself and your mum soon.

ognum

Getting old is sometimes no fun, yes those who grow old are lucky to have had time but ageing is difficult.

There are many old people who get to a point where life is just too much hard work, if given the choice some would say they have had enough, even though they would never do anything to take their lives.

This week a 90+ year old friend told me he was just worn out with life, every day is a struggle, he doesn't feel really unwell just really tired and worn out.

My own lovely Mum felt like this, in the end she just gave up fighting to stay alive, she jut wanted to get rest and slipped away peacefully.

Maybe, just maybe you Mum is just worn out with life, it is making her feel exhausted and bed to sofa is all she wants.

just, talk with her, enjoy her company and she yours, don't keep pushing too hard and let her dictate her own pace for a while.