Help me decide....crossroads

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So, for anyone who has been in an expat position before you'll know what I'm on about....

I've lived in UK for 14 years. Happily married, husband has a good job he enjoys, I take contracting jobs and are not usually out of work. We don't have kids however am hoping for in the next year or so.

Over the past year or so I have had a strong desire to go back to my home country, most of my family lives there (we're not a hugely close family but do keep in touch via skype, facebook and texts etc..) and my sister has her first child (who is now 2). We have a good life in the UK, nice friends and debt is nearly under control (will be by end of this year - mainly due to this site I might add).

I don't hate it here in the UK, in fact I do really enjoy living here. We're currently renting (near to my OH job) however have a house to sell elsewhere.

I just don't know what to do. One minute I think how could I ever leave here, lovely countryside, used to UK ways and of course my husband loves his job. The next minute I think of the lovely lifestyle we could have in my home country, great weather, friends, family.

It's an expensive move to make - we're talking at least £12k to move all in including OH visa etc.. so not one I'm taking lightly. OH has said he would be happy to move (he's visited my home country many times and enjoys it there/has made friends with my friends) however I find it odd as if he loves his job and colleagues so much, why would he be happy to up and leave?

Living in my home country is more expensive than living here. Yes we would earn more however there's no getting around it would be more expensive.

I guess I'm at a crossroads as we will need to make a decision soon as and when our house sells what the next step it -we can't stay renting forever afterall.

After leaving a job I was in for 7 years I haven't been able to settle into a permanent job and I don't know why. I feel I like an 'exit door' in my grasp and therefore temping suits me well. Why can't I just get a permanent job, settle down, buy a new house and be happy here?

I really am confused and I just don't know who to ask. I don't mention it too much to OH anymore as (he hasn't said so in as many words) but I know he'll be getting annoyed with me changing my mind all the time...

I have done the pros and cons spreadsheet and it's pretty level.

Any advice from expats or anyone who's felt this way would be appreciated. I feel like I'm in limbo and just need to stop being silly and make a decision......someone talk some sense into me!

ognum

I would be interested to know where 'home' is?

I note that you say you visit home often we found at times when we were living in other countries that we actually saw more of our families than when we lived in the UK. My brother in law who lived abroad also said the same thing.

We would have family to stay and spent time with them, we would go back to the IK and spend chunks of time with our families. When actually living in the UK of course we saw our families but for a few hours here and there.

My suggestion would be that you talk with your husband and decide if you are not more settled in x amount of time you will talk again about moving. make that a year or two years. That way you know you will leave if you don't settle.

Could you return to your homeland for an extended holiday alone. maybe if you did it wouldnt feel so good?

We can always strive for the next move and sometimes we should spend a while reflecting on our life as it is.

Good luck.

[Deleted User]

Why not give it a go for a medium length of time, budget for it and see what happens after 2-3 years? The money is not so important as your health, happiness and well-being.

My husband from overseas and the only thing stopping us from living there for extending periods is the lack of decent heathcare - I go for 2 month stints only.

A close relative is currently living in the USA with her husband because of his work (3 year contracts) and is enjoying the change of scene and weather. The difficulties are mainly practical (renting out the home etc)

After that period of time you & your OH can then decide on staying or moving back? It's not an irreversible decision, if you want to come back to UK then you can!

Good luck!

CH27

Where offers the best pregnancy health care, childcare & education?

marisco_2

How long at any one time has your husband spent in your home country? Going somewhere on holiday and enjoying a relaxing, stress free time with family is vastly different to totally relocating, finding employment and building a life for yourself. Would your husbands employer be wiling to allow him some extended leave, maybe for a couple of months? Then you could go together and look into how feasible a permanent move there would be, once you had looked at property prices, costs of living, employment opportunities etc. As you say this type of move would not be cheap to do, so feeling as confident as you can that it would be a good decision is very important.

lika_86

Does your OH have the right to work in your home country and how likely is it he'd get a job?

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ognum wrote: »

I would be interested to know where 'home' is?

I often ask that question to myself... where really is home?! Yes, yes... anyway, it's one of the countries in the antipodean region

ognum wrote: »

I note that you say you visit home often we found at times when we were living in other countries that we actually saw more of our families than when we lived in the UK. My brother in law who lived abroad also said the same thing.

It is and it isn't about seeing family and friends more. Yes we would see them more than when we visit (currently every 1.5 years) however when we do visit it is more concentrated. Yes we would like to see them a little more frequently but we're not making the move back for that sole reason. As mentioned we're not hugely close but do stay in contact. I guess seeing them and spending more time with them would be a nice side affect if you see what I mean without being rude to my family. I would also nice to see my niece grow up.

ognum wrote: »

Could you return to your homeland for an extended holiday alone. maybe if you did it wouldnt feel so good?

no can't do that unfortunately for financial reasons and also wouldn't want to be separated from my OH, this is a move about the two of us (and dogs too!).

ognum wrote: »

We can always strive for the next move and sometimes we should spend a while reflecting on our life as it is.

you are 100% right in saying this and am guilty of doing this a lot. I often wonder if it is because we have not found our forever place to be yet and am enviable of others who seem to be able to settle.

ognum wrote: »

Good luck.

thank you and thanks for your advice.

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lika_86 wrote: »

Does your OH have the right to work in your home country and how likely is it he'd get a job?

not yet, he will do however as we've been together for 10+ years and married for two. I've investigated this indepth and although not 100% guaranteed there is a very high chance.

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marisco wrote: »

How long at any one time has your husband spent in your home country? Going somewhere on holiday and enjoying a relaxing, stress free time with family is vastly different to totally relocating, finding employment and building a life for yourself. Would your husbands employer be wiling to allow him some extended leave, maybe for a couple of months? Then you could go together and look into how feasible a permanent move there would be, once you had looked at property prices, costs of living, employment opportunities etc. As you say this type of move would not be cheap to do, so feeling as confident as you can that it would be a good decision is very important.

the longest we have spent is just shy of a month. We do know it would mean working and the boring aspects of day to day life. It won't be all cocktails, late nights and seeing friends every day. Unfortunately his employer won't allow him to take a sabbatical which if they did, we would probably undertake this like a shot.

Thanks, it's very good advice to compare everything - I have made spreadsheets comparing pretty much every cost in both countries and home country is more expensive however does have other benefits of course. It's not a move we would make to make more money.

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CH27 wrote: »

Where offers the best pregnancy health care, childcare & education?

Great questions

pregnancy health care,
UK (not sure if better but definitely cheaper as you pay for doctors visits in home country)

childcare
home country & UK is pretty much same cost however we would have family nearby for help

education
UK (I think) again not sure of standard or costs but having discussed with a few parent friends seems UK comes out slightly on top.

We have huge fertility issues so although I say we would like kids in next year I'm not making decisions based on unborn children as of yet... it is good to know the facts tho, good questions.

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joolzred wrote: »

Why not give it a go for a medium length of time, budget for it and see what happens after 2-3 years? The money is not so important as your health, happiness and well-being.

would love to do this however have to take money into consideration as would be approx £12k to move and then if we moved back would be another huge cost and OH would maybe struggle to find another great job having left one here.

joolzred wrote: »

My husband from overseas and the only thing stopping us from living there for extending periods is the lack of decent heathcare - I go for 2 month stints only.

Would love to do this however we just can't afford to unfortunately :-( both of us need to work

joolzred wrote: »

After that period of time you & your OH can then decide on staying or moving back? It's not an irreversible decision, if you want to come back to UK then you can!
Good luck!

thanks. I guess it's really about having the money to do this move and then finding the money to move back again if it didn't work out plus the issues of jobs. OH is not a run of the mill job so wouldn't just be able to phone an agency and pick up work quickly, like I would.