How do you cope with bad news?

fluffnutter

I don't think we do 'cope' really, not in the sense of forgetting about stuff and being happy. But is that such a bad thing?

We live in a predominantly 'put a smile on it!' culture, so much so that people are expected to be endlessly cheerful, that 'positive mental attitude' even cures illness, fgs.

It's actually completely appropriate and healthy to be sad if you've heard bad news. Why should it be any other way? Time's the best healer - a cliche I know but it's important to remember that simply experiencing feelings and letting them fade naturally is often the best way to deal with sadness.

CH27

poet123 wrote: »

Without going into too much detail a very, very close friend has had some really bad (medical) news this week. I have been there for them through the tests etc, but in my heart I knew the outcome. And now it has been confirmed.

There is some hope and on day 1 they weren't too down but I think reality has sunk in and spirits have plummeted. The problem is so have mine, I have been here with close family and I can see the road ahead, or I think I can, and every scenario is playing out in my head on an endless loop.

I am obviously upbeat with the person, and taking my cue from them when I am speaking to them, but privately I am agitated. I can't get to sleep, can't settle to do anything, cannot get them out of my mind.

I have things to do and things which are happening this week, which last week, meant the world to me, now I am strangely indifferent. Nothing much matters in the face of this, even my OH is feeling down about it as it was such a shock to him, but he is carrying on as usual, but I just can't seem to do that.

I know I have to shake myself out of it but how do I do that? This is really not like me at all......and I am feeling as though being like this is quite self indulgent when it is not me this is happening to.

What you are feeling is quite natural.
Your are scared for your friend, you are aware of what she will face.
Go easy on yourself & work through the emotion as bottling it all up can end in it all bursting out at the wrong time.

fluffnutter

The more I think about it, the more I think this 'positive mental attitude!' culture causes more harm than good. Imagine the fear, panic and sorrow if you're told you're very ill, or that a loved one is very ill. On top of all that, you're expected to 'keep positive!', that 'laughter is the best medicine!', that 'PMA can cure cancer you know!'.

So along with feeling all those horrible confusing sad feelings, you now feel like a failure and a burden for not being more cheerful about things. Absolutely ridiculous when you think about it.

poet123

fluffnutter wrote: »

The more I think about it, the more I think this 'positive mental attitude!' culture causes more harm than good. Imagine the fear, panic and sorrow if you're told you're very ill, or that a loved one is very ill. On top of all that, you're expected to 'keep positive!', that 'laughter is the best medicine!', that 'PMA can cure cancer you know!'.

So along with feeling all those horrible confusing sad feelings, you now feel like a failure and a burden for not being more cheerful about things. Absolutely ridiculous when you think about it.

That is exactly it. I don't view this illness in those terms because I have seen it decimate someone who, if fighting had been enough, if PMA had been enough, would still be here today. I want to be positive but the reality is I don't feel that way. I just feel incredibly sad, anxious and sick and helpless. And none of that is much use to anyone.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

poet123 wrote: »

That is exactly it. I don't view this illness in those terms because I have seen it decimate someone who, if fighting had been enough, if PMA had been enough, would still be here today. I want to be positive but the reality is I don't feel that way. I just feel incredibly sad, anxious and sick and helpless. And none of that is much use to anyone.

You can still be of use to people whilst feeling that way. It's not what we feel, but what we do in response that affects any situation.


I can feel awful about something and hide away in a puddle of misery and do absolutely nothing to help because it's all so awful - or I can do the helping and then have the down moments later on when they don't have to see it.

marisco_2

You are not being self indulgent by feeling knocked for six that a close friend of yours has received bad medical news. You are suffering from shock and are concerned about what lies ahead for a person you care about very much. I felt similar to yourself when a close friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. When you face serious situations it can sap the energy out of you, and things that normally feel important and you look forward to, take on a much lesser significance for a little while. That is all totally normal.

Focus on the fact that at this time there is hope. Let that give you some comfort and reassurance. Look after yourself, try to eat well and get some sleep. That way you will be okay and can be there as a tower of strength for your friend. I am sorry you are facing this worry and really hope everything will be okay poet.