How do you cope with bad news?

poet123

Without going into too much detail a very, very close friend has had some really bad (medical) news this week. I have been there for them through the tests etc, but in my heart I knew the outcome. And now it has been confirmed.

There is some hope and on day 1 they weren't too down but I think reality has sunk in and spirits have plummeted. The problem is so have mine, I have been here with close family and I can see the road ahead, or I think I can, and every scenario is playing out in my head on an endless loop.

I am obviously upbeat with the person, and taking my cue from them when I am speaking to them, but privately I am agitated. I can't get to sleep, can't settle to do anything, cannot get them out of my mind.

I have things to do and things which are happening this week, which last week, meant the world to me, now I am strangely indifferent. Nothing much matters in the face of this, even my OH is feeling down about it as it was such a shock to him, but he is carrying on as usual, but I just can't seem to do that.

I know I have to shake myself out of it but how do I do that? This is really not like me at all......and I am feeling as though being like this is quite self indulgent when it is not me this is happening to.

Person_one

Why exactly do you have to shake yourself out of it? It's ok to feel sad when sad things happen. Just let yourself feel how you feel.

System

I remind myself that as long as I have my health I can cope with all that life throws at me.

Kapoww

It really is a difficult one, but I just try to keep myself as busy as possible (and eat a lot of chocolate but that's optional). You just have to be strong for the person it's happening to really and try your best to muddle along with your own life too I do find talking to someone who's not in anyway involved with the situation helps, even if no helpful advice comes from it at least it's some weight off your chest.

Troutwrestler

I personally don't cope with bad news well at all and tend to withdraw and avoid people, so I would do the opposite of that really... And be kind to yourself ... And try to keep busy

tea_lover

poet123 wrote: »

I know I have to shake myself out of it but how do I do that? This is really not like me at all......and I am feeling as though being like this is quite self indulgent when it is not me this is happening to.

But this IS happening to you. You are supporting your friend, and feeling shocked/angry/upset at what's happening just as much as others. Please don't tell yourself that you're not 'allowed' to feel those things.

Is there someone else you can speak to about things? Sometimes someone not involved at all can be a real help. The samaritans are always there if you just need someone to let off steam to, you don't need to be at your wit's end to call them.

Take care x.

angelil

I agree that you don't necessarily have to 'shake yourself out of it'. Your reaction is normal.

I'm the sort of person who HAS to get on with my everyday life when this sort of thing occurs, otherwise I just know I will sit at home mulling over it and driving myself insane. When I was at university, one of my friends died (suddenly) in the same week as my grandad died (he had been ill for a long time). Friends seemed amazed that I was attending lectures etc as normal but it was the only way I could cope with it. The only other thing I often find myself doing when people are dying/have died is that I end up with a sort of morbid fascination regarding their symptoms and want to know everything about their condition, so I can spend ages researching online as to details, will their end be quick/painless, finding experiences of others who have seen people go through it (whether they work in a hospital, are a family member...). Unhealthy maybe but helps me cope as I feel 'in the know' while not necessarily wallowing.

Something else that might help, though, especially if you feel agitated at night, is to try homeopathy. My aunt did this when she was having similar problems sleeping after her father died. As it isn't medication, it certainly won't do any harm if you do try it.

I am so sorry to hear your news and hope that you can look after yourself over these next few days, weeks and months

FatVonD

I don't have any advice but my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer recently (now in doubt that it is in fact cancer though) but she's not so much in denial as positively euphoric because her bloated tummy reduced after the hospital laxatives and she's delighted she'll get her figure back once they've moved the obstruction.

I'm not actually feeling anything right now because I'm waiting for the realisation of what it could mean to dawn on her.

Stufrog

Person_one wrote: »

Why exactly do you have to shake yourself out of it? It's ok to feel sad when sad things happen. Just let yourself feel how you feel.

I agree. Feeling sad, experiencing bad experiences helps us better understand and appreciate blessings and good experiences. A sort of bench mark. I remember too, that I'm not alone. Everybody deals with pain and loss.

When I get bad news I allow myself to wallow, but not for too long. Then I try to remember how I felt when I last got good news. Great.

troubleinparadise

I'm going through just this right now with a friend whose H has just had a stroke. Right now he's a couple of days in, and there is improvement, but where this is going is uncertain. What is certain is this is a life changing event, and nothing will be the same again.

I've been through this with my own H, so know too much, but obviously their particular problem is specific to them, no two strokes or long term implications are the same.

But I was so upset to hear this about a good friend, and worrying about what the outcome will be. And it stirs up my own memories...:eek:

But I give myself permission to worry, to be sad, to be grateful for where our lives are today. I know this is a shock, and we will
become more used to it, and how we can usefully help or support will become more clear. And there will be a day when we know what the bottom line is, when the worst has happened, and we can then move forward with more certainty, whatever that might be.

If you care about someone, it will hurt when something bad happens. But at the same time normal life must go on, and structure is useful in making us carry on even when the way we feel is very unsettled and we are unhappy.

It is normal to have these feelings, and they just have to be run with for as long as it takes to assimilate the news and work out a way forwards living with it.

I do hope your friend gets the treatment they need, and I'm sure they will appreciate your support in the times ahead :A

But don't forget to look after yourself too!

geoffky

I am the ignore it type and just carry on as normal..One day i will pay for it..