Need advice...

paulineb_2

Has this agreement been set out by a court or is it between yourselves?

GwylimT

Oakdene wrote: »

Given that there was nothing in concrete concerning the holidays I cant see how I broke the agreement. I said I would help out as much as I could in the holidays, I was unable to do any more than a week.

You were however able to arrange childcare and pay for it, instead of just saying "can't do that anymore". What if your wife said her hours at work had changed, and she didn't have childcare and so she could only have the children for one week during the whole six week holiday? Come on, its quite clear you have an almost 50/50 access agreement, you cannot cop out during the school holidays.

Oakdene

GwylimT wrote: »

You were however able to arrange childcare and pay for it, instead of just saying "can't do that anymore". What if your wife said her hours at work had changed, and she didn't have childcare and so she could only have the children for one week during the whole six week holiday? Come on, its quite clear you have an almost 50/50 access agreement, you cannot cop out during the school holidays.

Until now I have & to be honest I would not mind paying for child care for when I could have had them but I cant afford it & she doesnt pay for the childcare as her parents look after them. Its hardly 50% of the time as its 3/14 nights not 7/14.

paulineb wrote: »

Has this agreement been set out by a court or is it between yourselves?

Court after being drafted by solicitors.

marisco_2

OP your ex sounds childish and pedantic to me. You had a valid reason for not being able to look after your children over the summer holidays, and gave her plenty of notice of this situation. If she felt let down by this then the adult thing to do, would have been for her to raise this issue with you, talk it through and reach a compromise you were both happy about.

The ones that stand to get most hurt and messed around, by her changing the rules and shifting when you have contact, is your children. It is a shame she cant appreciate this and start putting them first ahead of her need to play silly games and gain one-upmanship. As another poster advised seek legal advice and get this horrible situation sorted out.

maman

It sounds as if you've done as much as you can by having them in other school holidays and the only week's leave you have left for the summer holidays. She may have done her best to take leave too. Most families where both parents work end up with a shortfall of childcare/leave time.

I think you need to tell your ex that due to decreased leave allowance you won't be able to have them midweek for much of the school holidays but can continue the weekends. As she doesn't accept that then tell her you'll have to go back to court to tighten the arrangements to include holidays. As she has free childcare (which should come up in court) then there shouldn't be a problem. She'd be far worse off if you gave up your job!

I don't know how old your children are but you're going to have to build some flexibility into the weekend arrangements. They'll have birthday parties and other commitments to factor in. Might be worth discussing that scenario too while you're at it (e.g. do you take them along to parties if they fall on 'your' weekend).

It's a shame she won't make informal, civil arrangements but if that's the situation then you need to stand up to her.

FBaby

OP I'm sorry but you sound very much like my ex....who has rights as a father for the week-ends HE agrees (to match with his partner's children being there), has right at Christmas, but amazingly is only 'helping' during the holidays. I had to smile because 'help' is exactly the word he also uses.

The bottom line is you are taking your ex for granted. She is working just like you and it would seem not able to take the full 6 weeks + holidays either, so childcare is required to be sorted. I assume her parents are not able to look after them during all this time, or at least didn't expect to have to do so, yet, she was left with 'the problem'.

As someone in the same shoes than your ex, what I would have expected in your situation, is in a perfect world, for my ex to have told me that he wouldn't be able to look after them as planned as working, however not to worry, he would sort something out during that time with his family/friends/clubs (ha ha!!), or at least to have said something along the line of 'sorry I am now not able to be there for them, we're going to have to look at how we go about summer holidays, do you have any suggestions, can I do anything, research summer camps/clubs, now that I have a job, I'll be able to contribute financially'.

It's no surprise she has taken the same approach than you, that her life and obligations are more important than yours and so you have to suit yourself around her.

Maybe you can make it up next holidays, contact her asking if she has any plans, that if not you'll be delighted to take the week off to spend time with the children, or if you can't, that you can discuss together what to do with childcare.

clearingout

FBaby wrote: »

OP I'm sorry but you sound very much like my ex....who has rights as a father for the week-ends HE agrees (to match with his partner's children being there), has right at Christmas, but amazingly is only 'helping' during the holidays. I had to smile because 'help' is exactly the word he also uses.

The bottom line is you are taking your ex for granted. She is working just like you and it would seem not able to take the full 6 weeks + holidays either, so childcare is required to be sorted. I assume her parents are not able to look after them during all this time, or at least didn't expect to have to do so, yet, she was left with 'the problem'.

As someone in the same shoes than your ex, what I would have expected in your situation, is in a perfect world, for my ex to have told me that he wouldn't be able to look after them as planned as working, however not to worry, he would sort something out during that time with his family/friends/clubs (ha ha!!), or at least to have said something along the line of 'sorry I am now not able to be there for them, we're going to have to look at how we go about summer holidays, do you have any suggestions, can I do anything, research summer camps/clubs, now that I have a job, I'll be able to contribute financially'.

It's no surprise she has taken the same approach than you, that her life and obligations are more important than yours and so you have to suit yourself around her.

Maybe you can make it up next holidays, contact her asking if she has any plans, that if not you'll be delighted to take the week off to spend time with the children, or if you can't, that you can discuss together what to do with childcare.

Exactly.

Your assumption is that because her parents have looked after the children in the past or indeed, continue to do so, they do so happily and without financial gain. Many people I know pay parents to look after their children - even if it's not at the going rate. More still use grandparents as a fall back position for childcare but on the understanding that the grandparents also have their own lives with their own commitments and will sometimes decide to pursue these without their grandchildren in tow. Just because you see her parents helping out doesn't mean to say they're not giving her grief or indeed, nor does it mean that this is the best place for the children all summer. Sometimes you need to think outside the box a bit.

oliviasmummy

op what were the arrangements before you changed your job in June?. How long were you suppose to be having them for apposed to the week you did have them?

You sound like you are trying to do whats best and your ex, regardless to the arrangements during the holidays is using the kids now to control the situation when there is an order in place, if the order doesn't stipulate a set amount of time you should be having them during the holidays then your ex is the one breaking the court order and I would def seek legal advice on this. If it does and you didn't follow this, did you take the necessary steps with the ex to sort this out? if a court order is in place your ex can not just take it upon herself to change dates and say you cant have them. I understand as other posters have said that there will be times when the children will have birthday invites etc but if they fall on your weekend I think your ex should be discussing whether this is something you can take them too or if you would prefer to swap weekends and only then should the arrangements change.

My sister and her ex are very similar to this situation and in the past my sister hasnt always seen whats best for the child either and used games to try to get control. she has realised over the last 12 months or so since court agreements and other things have happened that she is always correct and doesnt have the final say in everything whetherher ex likes it or not.

maybe use a free consultation with a local solicitor to see where you stand or is there a number on the court order papers where you can contact for advice?