wedding list?

split_second

hi all hoping for a bit of perspective on this, i'm getting married in just under a year, we have lived together for about 2 1/2 years already, not got masses of money but we get by, house was mine alone previously so we have most things, albeit basic stuff.

we really want to get a new fitted kitchen, the previous owners had one done through the council before buying it (and having it repo'd) and to be honest it is terribly designed and i think by making better use of the space we could work wonders with it.

went to see my parents yesterday and apparently my mum saw something on daytime tv that said people think requests for money towards something like that is rude, whereas i believe giving someone a list of an expensive shop with exact items of what you want (most of which is not stuff you would use much anyway) is more rude, at least with a kitchen you always use it?

what do you all think?

snow_ball

I’ve been to 5 weddings in the last 3 years (and have another one coming up) and none of them have had a ‘list’. I think it’s now the norm for most couples getting married to already share a home and so not need the usual household items.

In all cases, there was no expectation of a gift (ie. nothing mentioned in the invitation) so we gave them cash, sometimes along with a token present.


I really like the idea that they can use this as they wish on their honeymoon and give the appropriate currency, which makes it feel more gift-like since I’ve ‘gone to the trouble’ (really wanted a better expression that this!) of exchanging it

justme1985

I think it depends on how you word it.

We don't have a list as we don't need things, we have been living together for 5 years so have the things we need. So we put a little poem (that we found online) on the info sheets that basically says we don't need things, but if they want to give us something then money towards the honeymoon would be great, but we mostly want them there to celebrate with us (which we do).

Two out of the three last weddings I went to were the same. The other one the couple were more traditional and didnt live together before hand!

As long as you find a nice way of putting it without it seeming demanding I don't see it being an issue

Cuilean

We were the same as you, OP. We'd lived together for two years. We'd had our own places before that, and DH had leftovers from his uni accommodation, so in some cases we had triples of things like cutlery and pans.

We put a short note on our invitations which said "No presents, just presence" but if people wanted to contribute towards a day out on our honeymoon, that would be lovely. Other than my sister and one other couple, everyone gave us money. We took lots of photos of us enjoying seafood platters at beachfront restaurants and visiting the sights on our honeymoon, which we'll send with the thank you cards. As long as people know that you've used their gift for something you genuinely need, I'm sure they'd be happy knowing their money has been gone towards giving you a great start to married life.

dhalliday

To the girls that used little poems within their invites, if you don't mind, can you please post these? I was trying to find one to suit yesterday

justme1985

dhalliday wrote: »

To the girls that used little poems within their invites, if you don't mind, can you please post these? I was trying to find one to suit yesterday

This blog is where I found the one we have used and some others (we chose number 11 as it felt like a good fit).

http://www.specialdayinvitations.co.uk/blog/how-to-ask-for-money-rather-than-gifts-or-presents/

themull1

Im getting married for the third time in December and i will be grateful for anything, it would be great to get cash or vouchers, but i wouldnt dream of asking people for them, even with a poem, its very rude, if i got a poem in an invite asking for cash i would deliberately buy a present!

Tigsteroonie

Split (or should I call you BH?!) do you know where you may buy the kitchen? If so, to get around the "money is so impersonal" argument (which I do share ) you could ask for vouchers from that store (eg Ikea) to put towards the kitchen.

The only reason I don't like giving money is because I don't think any marrying couple should expect me to pay towards the cost of either their wedding or their honeymoon - cut your cloth accordingly, if you can't afford what you have planned then change your plans. If they want the money towards a specific purchase (eg a kitchen) then by gifting vouchers, I know it won't be spent elsewhere.

sazpot

My cousin and his wife had nothing at all about presents in their invitations but if you asked their Parents or Maid of honour etc they could point you in the direction if their gift list. Can you not put anything and mention the kitchen if asked? Letting your nearest and nearest know to do the same?

minerva_windsong

For me, I think what a couple asks for for their wedding present (if anything) is entirely up to them, but it is so much about the wording. I'm not keen on the poems myself - although if other people want to do that it's fine by me and I wouldn't not give them what you wanted if they did - but I do think there are definitely other ways around it.

We are probably going to ask for honeymoon contributions - more specifically, we'll do one of those honeymoon gift lists where the guest can buy you a nice dinner, a trip somewhere, a flight upgrade etc. The nuts and bolts of it (flight, hotel, spending money) will be paid for by us though, as I'd feel rude asking for people to pay for that side of it

We're not putting anything in the invites, mainly because again I think it's rude, but will let our parents know and then they can pass the information on accordingly - this is what my sister did when she got married, she put a little slip in with the RSVPs where people could tick a box saying 'I would like details of the gift list' and then sent out the info to people.

I am also planning to do a small gift list as I know some of my older relatives will want to get us a 'thing' and I know they'd much rather get us something we actually wanted, but again I won't give details of that unless asked.

And of course it goes without saying that whatever we get, if anything, I will be incredibly grateful for. I would much rather our friends and family showed up and didn't bring a gift than didn't come because they thought they had to give us a present/money, but equally I'm aware people go to a lot of time and expense to go to weddings and the fact they might choose to give us something on top of that is very much appreciated.

CompBunny

@ snow_ball - I love your obsessive "too many gifts" edit, I do the same thing all the time

Re wedding lists. Personally, we are planning to just leave out any mention of gifts in our invitations. If people want to kindly give us something, they can either ask us/our parents what we would like (in your case, you'd say money/vouchers towards a new kitchen to start married life in a nicer environment!) or give what they would like to.

Everyone is different though. My brother is giving people the option of a donation to charity or a contribution to honeymoon activities...but they have lots of money and people know that so will likely give to charity. The wedding we went to recently had a traditional john lewis gift list, and the one we are invited to in October stated that they don't want anything at all.

You know your family and friends, and what has happened at previous weddings within your social circles