parent classes ordered..where to go from here?

smileforlife

I was hoping for some advice please.
if a judge orders parent classes do i have to go?
the problem is, i am a parent or a severe autistic young child. his fathers partner harmed him. my child told his school teacher, and me. the school called me in, they called social services. the lady in question denys everything. so the judge let it go. my children have nightmare after nightmare over this, 15 months on.
anyway, the social svs had to do the checks on both families. we were never in questioning. and reports state 'high standard' in all reports. yet very low in absent father/partner. this resulted in him unable to have contact unless supervised. as he decided to take social services to court. anyway, i never attended court. the outcome was. he was very put down by the judge and ordered parent classes, and a protective child course (due to the allegations made by the children) in order to protect them, and how to be a father basically.
the day after court, my social worker came down to tell me i and my partner are to attend the course. the same course as them. how oh how can they expect me to sit in a room with her when she abused my children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my new social worker has managed to put me and my partner on another course in a different town.
anyway, what i want to know is...........if i was never in question, why would i have to go on the course? also after lots of googling, i am informed i do not have to attend? i am calling my social worker today, as i have been up most the night furious. i dont even go to the shop at night as my child with the autism doesnt cope when im out of the house. my partnber has refused to go to the classes.my parents dont even babysit due to my sons problems and outbursts. and i have to go out on a night once a week and leave him for 3 hours for 12 weeks. i simply cant do it. social services seam to think it will help me and my confidence as a mother, again...i have all this i need and they always tell me what a fantastic job i am doing, partner also. my second problem im having...........
so, the lady who hurt my kids denies it, got away with it as no proof, only i myself know what happened from the bruises/bites i saw on my child. but as i didnt photograph them, it didnt happen!!
tho the blackmail she used on my children was admitted, as though this in its self isnt enough for any parent to be judged for!! but no, that was ignored also. ..the children are under menta health from all this, the autism has got worse due to the lack of understanding how his father cant believe him, cried constantly over this. anyway, sorry to waffle, there is just so much.
what i want to know is..... i was told all along from child protection that the chidren wont have to see the woman in question ever again, and when they are 16 they can decide for themselves.
this to me was a huge weight off. just needed to get them back to seeing their dad again, as this was depressing them very very much. judge agreed to supervised every 4 weeks at his grandparents house. but...............social worker told me that in 6 months time there will be another court date.........this will be to work on bringing her in question back in to the picture. the children have spoke with lots of mental health/ social workers/police/ family protection about what there wishes are. and they were not nice wishes about seeing her. note....all along i have never mentioned anything to my children about what happened, as i was advised from the start i am not to mention it so i never have. i didnt know about half the things that happened until i got a letter from the courts after the hearing. i was mortified. never cried so much. and they still want her to be part of my childrens lives?? i pleaded with the judge, i wrote him a letter. only to be slated for not going to court. my son was off school for months. i have a baby under 1. no babysitter, yet still i should have gone to the hearing, even tho im not in question?
i was advised after the hearing i am not to mention to the children about any of this, i replied ' i never have' they obviously have reports from the father i have. i informed them of his 'compulsive lying disorder' he was diagnosed with (apparently) before we split, hence why we are no more. yet the judge isnt bothered about that either.
so now, im sat here waiting for another 6 months to see if i get a letter saying she can be with my children, even though the children dont want to. yet im not even allowed to ask my children if this is their wishes.
if i go to court unrepresented i will get a mouth full. as advised by my 1 hr free solicitor slot. or with a lawyer were taking about £500 to start with. i dont have this kind of money, nor can i get hold/borrow it.
im really feeling down, all i can see in my head are the bites/bruises/ hear the tears of my terrified children during all of that going on. yet they are letting her away with it, and shes going to see my children weather they or i want it.
so, im having to go on a course i cant get to or go to. and im not allowed to talk to the children about it to make them feel better, like a parent should be able to. im slated by social svs about things ive apparently said to my children, all of which were their own words about it all, not me, the father didnt see them for a year, they had questiopns for him, yet it was 'me' who made them ask him. according to father. children said this is not the case. i know my childen do not lie when it is a very serious situation like this. police etc what child would lie??
please, i know this is a long long post, and i probable shouldnt be posting all of this. but im lost. i feel like my children are not my children, i feel like i have had my role of being a mummy taken away from me, i dont like it.
i am advised to go to court next hearing. ????? im very confused on the whole matter. if i dont go, even though its not about me. then i will loose more rights. how should rights come in to it, i am their mother, and there for them through anything, always have been, a;lways will be. and never once questioned on my parenting . so why?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx :(

thorsoak

Sorry - I'm very confused about the whole situation :-

1. Are you father/mother?

2. How many children do you have? Ages?

3. Do the children share the same parents?

4. Who has custody?

5. Is/are the other parent(s) in permanent relationships?

6. What is the history behind a social services/judge becoming involved?

It will be easier to comment once these facts are known!

Guest101

First. If you weren't named on the court ordered courses, IE you were not a defendant. You do not have to go. So politely advise the social worker that you thank her for the offer, but wish to decline this, and any and all further offers of any courses offered by social services. Use the words offered, as that is what this is.

As for the other woman etc, if you ex has access for visits, then he can choose how to spend those. You need to keep a close eye on things, and make sure you report any abuse immediately, take your child to the police staion there and then. they can get evidential photographs and there are specially trained officers.

who has told you not to say anything to the kids. Again unless you are the subject of a court order, you are free to say whatever you want (as long as its true). and there is nothing that can be done.

and as for the next court hearing. Are you named on it? will you be allowed to make a statement. Provide SS with a written statement of your wishes, to be read out in the court or provided to the judge.

I wont say what i would've done in your situation, as i'm pretty sure even for typing it i could be arrested. But suffice to say that 'woman' would not be doing much for quite some time.

Guest101

thorsoak wrote: »

Sorry - I'm very confused about the whole situation :-

1. Are you father/mother? - shes the mother from what i can tell.

2. How many children do you have? Ages? - i gathered it was 2 children with her ex, and 1 with her current partner (might be wrong)

3. Do the children share the same parents? as above

4. Who has custody? sounds like OP is the resident parent and ex is NRP.

5. Is/are the other parent(s) in permanent relationships? - yes, think thats quite clear

6. What is the history behind a social services/judge becoming involved? The school was advised by her child that the bioligocal fathers partner, has abused them. As the child has autism, this case is likely to be taken to court more than quickly, as opposed to SS interventions. The OP is not under a judgement.

It will be easier to comment once these facts are known!

Im fairly sure thats the sitution.

building_with_lego

smileforlife wrote: »

I was hoping for some advice please.
If a judge orders parent classes do i have to go?

The problem is, i am a parent of a severe autistic young child. His father's partner harmed him. My child told his school teacher and me, the school called me in, they called social services. The lady in question denied everything so the judge let it go. My children have nightmare after nightmare over this, 15 months on.

Anyway, the social svs had to do the checks on both families. We were never in question and reports state 'high standard' in all reports yet very low in absent father/partner. This resulted in him unable to have contact unless supervised; he decided to take social services to court. Anyway, i never attended court. The outcome was he was very put down by the judge and ordered parent classes, and a protective child course (due to the allegations made by the children) in order to protect them, and how to be a father basically.

The day after court, my social worker came down to tell me my partner and I are to attend the course, the same course as them. How oh how can they expect me to sit in a room with her when she abused my children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My new social worker has managed to put me and my partner on another course in a different town.

What I want to know is...........if I was never in question, why would I have to go on the course? Also after lots of googling, I am informed I do not have to attend? I am calling my social worker today, as I have been up most the night furious. I don't even go to the shop at night as my child with the autism doesn't cope when I'm out of the house. My partner has refused to go to the classes. My parents don't even babysit due to my sons problems and outbursts and i have to go out on a night once a week and leave him for 3 hours for 12 weeks.

I simply cant do it. social services seam to think it will help me and my confidence as a mother, again...I have all this I need and they always tell me what a fantastic job I am doing, partner also.

My second problem I'm having........... so, the lady who hurt my kids denies it, got away with it as no proof, only I myself know what happened from the bruises/bites I saw on my child. but as I didnt photograph them, it didn't happen!! though the blackmail she used on my children was admitted, as though this in itself isnt enough for any parent to be judged for!! but no, that was ignored too. The children are under mental health from all this, the autism has got worse due to the lack of understanding how his father cant believe him, cried constantly over this. anyway, sorry to waffle, there is just so much.

what I want to know is..... I was told all along from child protection that the children wont have to see the woman in question ever again, and when they are 16 they can decide for themselves.
this to me was a huge weight off. Just needed to get them back to seeing their dad again, as this was depressing them very very much. judge agreed to supervised every 4 weeks at his grandparents house. but...............social worker told me that in 6 months time there will be another court date.........this will be to work on bringing her in question back in to the picture.

The children have spoken with lots of mental health/ social workers/police/ family protection about what their wishes are and they were not nice wishes about seeing her. Note....all along I have never mentioned anything to my children about what happened, as I was advised from the start I am not to mention it so I never have. I didn't know about half the things that happened until I got a letter from the courts after the hearing. I was mortified, never cried so much, and they still want her to be part of my children's lives?? I pleaded with the judge, I wrote him a letter only to be slated for not going to court. My son was off school for months, I have a baby under 1, no babysitter, yet still I should have gone to the hearing, even tho I'm not in question?

i was advised after the hearing I am not to mention to the children about any of this, I replied 'I never have' they obviously have reports from the father I have. I informed them of his 'compulsive lying disorder' he was diagnosed with (apparently) before we split, hence why we are no more yet the judge isn't bothered about that either.

so now, I'm sat here waiting for another 6 months to see if I get a letter saying she can be with my children, even though the children don't want to. yet I'm not even allowed to ask my children if this is their wishes.
If I go to court unrepresented I will get a mouthful, as advised by my 1 hr free solicitor slot, or with a lawyer we're taking about £500 to start with. I don't have this kind of money, nor can I get hold/borrow it.

I'm really feeling down, all I can see in my head are the bites/bruises/ hear the tears of my terrified children during all of that going on, yet they are letting her away with it, and she's going to see my children whether they or I want it.

So, I'm having to go on a course I cant get to or go to and I'm not allowed to talk to the children about it to make them feel better, like a parent should be able to. I'm slated by social svs about things I've apparently said to my children, all of which were their own words about it all, not me, the father didn't see them for a year, they had questions for him, yet it was 'me' who made them ask him according to father. Children said this is not the case. I know my children do not lie when it is a very serious situation like this. police etc what child would lie??

Please, I know this is a long long post, and I probably shouldn't be posting all of this. but I'm lost. I feel like my children are not my children, I feel like I have had my role of being a mummy taken away from me, I don't like it.

I am advised to go to court next hearing. ????? I'm very confused on the whole matter. If I don't go, even though it's not about me then I will lose more rights. How should rights come in to it, I am their mother, and there for them through anything, always have been, always will be, and never once questioned on my parenting . so why?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Please forgive me but your post was very difficult to read; I've broken it up to (hopefully) make it easier.

I don't have any practical advice for you except that you don't need to apologise for letting it all out- you clearly need support from somewhere and you aren't getting it. Yours sounds like an awful situation for you and your children and I can understand how let down you feel regarding this woman potentially having access to your children again.

I hope someone can offer constructive advice. Good luck

Battleaxe44

Sadly once you are in the system, you have to play the game.

You are their mother, the Social Worker will be damned if she doesn't offer you the courses, she will be damned if she doesn't.

Your children could be at risk, so it is the children who take precedence over every thing else.

it is in your own interest to attend court, even if you are not the Defendant. it will show the Court that you are willing to work to resolve this problem.

I know it feels like you are being ,afe to feel inadequate. You seem not to have the family support you ned to have time away from your child, so you can recharge your batteries, so for the moment, play the game, do what is requested and offered, even though it goes against the grain. this way it is seen you are co-operating.

You can throw something at me if it helps.

Have a talk with the Social Worker, and ask what she is trying to do to help resolve the situation you are in.

It doesn't help that your partner is not willing to go to theparenting classes. Go without him. You might find out at these classes you are doing all the right things for your child. At least the Social Workers report will show the Court you are willing to help them sort the problem regarding the father and his partner.

Take photos of any bruising etc, immediately and report it straight away.

it is not a nice situation for you to be in.

(((((((((())))))))))))))

Guest101

Battleaxe44 wrote: »

Sadly once you are in the system, you have to play the game.

You are their mother, the Social Worker will be damned if she doesn't offer you the courses, she will be damned if she doesn't.

Your children could be at risk, so it is the children who take precedence over every thing else.

it is in your own interest to attend court, even if you are not the Defendant. it will show the Court that you are willing to work to resolve this problem.

I know it feels like you are being ,afe to feel inadequate. You seem not to have the family support you ned to have time away from your child, so you can recharge your batteries, so for the moment, play the game, do what is requested and offered, even though it goes against the grain. this way it is seen you are co-operating.

You can throw something at me if it helps.

Have a talk with the Social Worker, and ask what she is trying to do to help resolve the situation you are in.

It doesn't help that your partner is not willing to go to theparenting classes. Go without him. You might find out at these classes you are doing all the right things for your child. At least the Social Workers report will show the Court you are willing to help them sort the problem regarding the father and his partner.

Take photos of any bruising etc, immediately and report it straight away.

it is not a nice situation for you to be in.

(((((((((())))))))))))))

Good advice, but I can see the OP's point and i wouldnt go either.

valk_scot

I would go, it would be useful to find out what the ex and partner is going to be taught, both from the angle of keeping an eye on them and also making sure you're all singing from the same page. And you might pick up a few new ideas, who knows? Also, it shows willing to the SS and court in case of any other disputes. Can't hurt, may help. What have you got to lose?

Mojisola

valk_scot wrote: »

I would go, it would be useful to find out what the ex and partner is going to be taught, both from the angle of keeping an eye on them and also making sure you're all singing from the same page. And you might pick up a few new ideas, who knows? Also, it shows willing to the SS and court in case of any other disputes. Can't hurt, may help. What have you got to lose?

I would go for this reason. If he then tries to say that he was "told to do this" on the course, you'll know if it's true.

GwylimT

Go! My son is adopted but when he was first removed from his mum (my cousin) she still had contact with him, she had to attend parenting classes and she had to apply these standards to have a chance of continued contact with her son.

I was also advised to attend these classes, she had supervised access sometimes me supervising, sometimes SS and sometimes her mother. I was advised to go to these classes so I knew exactly what she was meant to be doing, this made it easier for me to see that she wasn't bothering and she was going to continue abusing him if she was then allowed to be alone with him, and it was some very subtle things that I most likely wouldn't have noticed without the parenting classes.

In the end my attending these parenting classes enabled me to spot things I most likely would not have noticed and stopped her having him back and subjecting him to yet more severe physical and emotional abuse.

smileforlife

thorsoak wrote: »

Sorry - I'm very confused about the whole situation :-

1. Are you father/mother?

2. How many children do you have? Ages?

3. Do the children share the same parents?

4. Who has custody?

5. Is/are the other parent(s) in permanent relationships?

6. What is the history behind a social services/judge becoming involved?

It will be easier to comment once these facts are known!

hi, sorry about that, ........ i am the mother. i have 4 children age 1,6,9,13. i have full custody. the other parent is in a permanent relationship, soon to marry. the history is childs fathers fiance hurt 6 and 9 yr old. they told me, i called him, he laughed it off. next day 9 yr old told his school teacher, whom called me, i went straight in, head called social svs. xx