contact from absentee father after over 3 years - invite to party

onredbull

Basically Im in a situation that Im unsure of and would love some advice please.

I am trying to explain my situation but im so paranoid that everyone is going to know who im talking about so please apologise if it sounds as if it doesn’t make sense.


My dc has been invited to unknown ½ brother’s birthday party (both age 5 or under) by absentee father & partner. What should I do?

Neither my dc nor I have had any contact with anyone;
Absentee father, his partners& new ish children, his family,
For over 3 and half years.

We used to be in contact with absentee fathers parents when dc was baby/ toddler for just over 6 months; they were very nice to me and dc. Then out of the blue they said that we were no longer welcome.

I have never denied contact, and would be happy if I though dc could & would have a healthy relationship with everyone however after 3+ years, dc was just over a year old and does not know anyone at all.

I would like dc to go to the party as I don’t want to cause any bad feelings, but I don’t feel comfortable going and suspicious to why contact has been made after all this time. Also both dc are at the same nursery and will be attending same school and may be in same class.

I have loads of doubts, uncertainties, my suspicions, what if’s and what could happen and have listed a couple below

Also I don’t know if and where this invite/party may lead to in the future, I have never and don’t really want to tell dc that the people at the party are related (brother, nanny, father ect) to him.

I don’t want to be part of their lives or their friends, (there is too much detail to this situation that I can’t go into.) but that is a personal preference. I am happy to make small talk at the school gate but that’s it,

However I would like dc to be in contact if he wants to but he is too young to make a decision or understand properly. I don’t wanna confuse him or do the wrong thing.


(Absent father has 4 other children from 3 other relationship not including my dc that I am aware of and know of.)


ANY SUGGESTIONS ?

Saint_Chris

I'm sorry but i would keep dc away

It has taken them 3 years to get in touch with you.And when they do they invite you to a gathering of people.

Try asking for a 1 2 1 with you child and partner and see where that gets you 1st.

Elle00

I had to read your post several times over to really understand it I'm afraid and am still not 100%! Are you saying your ex Fathered two children to two different women at the same or similar time, then disappeared to be with the other child and Mother? And that they have now, after 3yrs of no contact, invited your child to their child's party? Who could well wind up in the same class at school as their half-sibling?

If I've understood correctly then I guess my advice would be to assume this is an olive branch, perhaps they have the same fears over their child starting school? Maybe they don't want to make things more difficult for the children when someone else points out to them that they are related later on at school?

What I personally would do with said olive branch is politely decline though. A party where the other child is going to be the centre of attention, having already nicked your child's Dad is not the best place to rekindle a relationship and even if you don't tell your child, someone else will. Obviously this is not the other child's fault, but your child may well resent them anyway because like you say they are too young to really understand the situation. I'd pass on my regards for the child's birthday, politely decline the invite and suggest that perhaps another time would be more convenient due to your family commitments. They have the opportunity to get back in touch with a suggestion at a more neutral time then.

I think you'd be doing the best thing for your family unit in politely declining the invite at this time.

Elle x

anewman

I would seriously decline the invite. Is he really interested in seeing the child or having numbers for the get together? I agree with Saint_Chris, decline and suggest a meeting on a more 1-2-1 basis (excluding any new partner).

RichardJohn_2

What does DC mean?

ailuro2

dear child?

onredbull

Thank you for all your replies, and sorry for being so vague, I have tried to outline more info below if its any help. As previously stated its not all black and white and there is no Yes or No answer, it is V.complicated and i have been trying to work it out for few days. I agree with most of them and have discussed all the pros and cons of what to do for best.


QUOTE=Elle83;5415047] Are you saying your ex Fathered two children to two different women at the same or similar time, then disappeared to be with the other child and Mother?[/QUOTE]
Yes, he was never a "father" figure, after i was with ex for approx year, he left me for other woman A (she is the one who it seems is inviting me to the party)
Then about a year after he left woman A to live with woman B (i sort of know a family member of woman B who occasionly bumb into and she will chat) who also has child.
Then this year Woman A has had another baby with him.

[/QUOTE] And that they have now, after 3yrs of no contact, invited your child to their child's party? Who could well wind up in the same class at school as their half-sibling?[/QUOTE]
Woman A has always tried to say Hi on the very few occasions i have bumped into her in the past.

[/QUOTE]If I've understood correctly then I guess my advice would be to assume this is an olive branch, perhaps they have the same fears over their child starting school? Maybe they don't want to make things more difficult for the children when someone else points out to them that they are related later on at school?[/QUOTE]
I agree it may be an olive branch - but seems to be from Woman A and not dc father or family

[/QUOTE]What I personally would do with said olive branch is politely decline though. A party where the other child is going to be the centre of attention, having already nicked your child's Dad is not the best place to rekindle a relationship and even if you don't tell your child, someone else will. Obviously this is not the other child's fault, but your child may well resent them anyway because like you say they are too young to really understand the situation. I'd pass on my regards for the child's birthday, politely decline the invite and suggest that perhaps another time would be more convenient due to your family commitments. They have the opportunity to get back in touch with a suggestion at a more neutral time then.Elle x[/QUOTE]
Thank You - I do agree with what you have suggested and this was my main option.

[/QUOTE] I would seriously decline the invite. Is he really interested in seeing the child or having numbers for the get together? I agree with Saint_Chris, decline and suggest a meeting on a more 1-2-1 basis (excluding any new partner).anewman[/QUOTE]
I dont know if he is interested at all in seeing dc. I feel very suspecious as dc child has never done anything for anyone in the past if it didnt suit him or was for his benefit, he is no spring chicken either - he is a lot older and wiser than he sounds. Thanks for answer. Trying to get as many different opions as poss.

izoomzoom

I don't really know what to say, except we were faced with a similar, also very different, situation a number of years ago.

H cousin fathered a baby to a 16y old girl. He never acknowledged or took responsibility.

I became friendly with girl about a year later, but initially I am not sure if she knew of my connection or not (her child would be my cousin in law). We sort of lost contact but met up again when we both had babies (her third, second with new husband) and my first.

For the sake of our 'new' children who were of similar ages, we became good friends, (our family and her immediate family) and to this day we are in pretty regular contact (we have both moved half way around the world to UK).

I think this other woman may just want to be friendly. Do you know if she knows about you ? Children can so easily used (sorry wrong word) to help build bridges and even if the father wants nothing to do with you, her child and yours are related, and them forging a friendship can't do any harm, as long as the parents don't go and ruin things (easier said than done).

Also try and look at this from your child's perspective. Has been invited to X party (and continue to be invited for years to come) and mum will never let him / her go. Remember this party is about the children. If parents want to get together, then this would ideally be done through a different medium.

Sorry if I have confused / waffled.

onredbull

izoomzoom wrote: »

I think this other woman may just want to be friendly. Do you know if she knows about you ? Children can so easily used (sorry wrong word) to help build bridges and even if the father wants nothing to do with you, her child and yours are related, and them forging a friendship can't do any harm, as long as the parents don't go and ruin things (easier said than done).

Also try and look at this from your child's perspective. Has been invited to X party (and continue to be invited for years to come) and mum will never let him / her go. Remember this party is about the children. If parents want to get together, then this would ideally be done through a different medium.QUOTE]

Thanks for your reply and I agree with what your saying.

I really hope that woman A who has contacted me after this amount of time and invited dc to party is being friendly and genuine for both dc sakes.

I am happy and willing for dc to go to party and to be introduced and meet everyone but as a person/new friend by their name rather than "family name" (brother/dad/nanny ect) and let the dc build a friendship/relationship with them slowly before being told who they are ie " family name"

I dont want my dc to be 'wanted' when its suits them.
Although I would like to try and ensure everything would be taken and people introduced slowly, at my dc pace, so dc is not over welmed/confused.
I think this could be a good start.

Just worried what to say to everyone at party and what they may ask if they speak to me at all (dc fathers parents are in their 70/80's). As I havent seen any of them for over 3+ years.

I dont want my dc aged 4 half to be confused/unsure, if they want to introduce themselves. i would rather dc built up a friendship with them (strangers to him) slowly.

If we were to go to party which is in a club so lots of people not attending party there-
Do you think they would come over and talk to me/ask me before talking to dc ?

Alex_of_Swansea

Waw. That is a tough situation. Even though you might not want dc to know people at the party are related, ex family members might not be aware of that and let it out. Actually, with older folk, that might happen whether they knew your wishes or not. Is there time for you to meet up with woman a before the party to find out what's going on?
All the best,
A x

Katie~baby

I think inviting the little one to a party without any contact and expecting the child to go is a bit unrealistic. But the fact that the woman has initiated contact at all is good. You should approach her and thank her for the invite but explain your concerns and im sure she will understand. Explain to her that you are happy for your child to meet them and have a relationship with them but it needs to be gradual. Im sure your child will love having more family (what child doesnt) and its great that your ex's partner wants to be involved as well.

These things are never easy but you must always remember to do what is in the best intrests of the child and block any bad feeling you may have towards these people.

Good luck!