Advice pls ?

marisco_2

I agree with FBR. If you haven't exchanged contracts yet I think you would be very wise to pull out. Do you really want to buy a home with someone you don't trust, or live in an area where you could bump into the man she has messed around with and is still in contact with?

Thumping the bloke would achieve nothing and in all honesty it is not he who has caused you all this anguish. Your partner is the only one who owes you any kind of loyalty, not a guy who she chooses to involve herself with despite promising you otherwise.

krlyr

mrcow wrote: »

That would be an incredibly controlling thing to do.

A fully grown adult is allowed to (legally) look at what they want to!

It's not about what you can legally do. It's about respecting your partner in a relationship. My OH has some habits that bugged me when we moved in, e.g. hanging his clothes over the end of the bed - the position of the bed meant they always fell off when I walked past, so I asked him if he could stop. Equally, he asked me to make compromises on stuff I did. I don't think it's controlling, it's about being in a relationship and having some give and take.

Legally, you don't have to be monogamous (OK, bigamy may be illegal, but two-timing isn't), but most people do it out of respect of their partner. Some people find !!!!!! a form of "cheating", in a way - getting sexual pleasure from someone other than their partner. Some people might find "sexting" with others OK if there's no emotional relationship, some won't. There are moral boundaries, and if the OP's girlfriend doesn't agree with the OP's, then they have a problem.

syd_b

Thanks all for replies.
Of course a lot of the times you don't want to hear the obvious but outside views were welcomed.
I've exchanged on house so can't walk away that easy - but then maybe we a walk away too easy from things that need to be worked at.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

syd_b wrote: »

Thanks all for replies.
Of course a lot of the times you don't want to hear the obvious but outside views were welcomed.
I've exchanged on house so can't walk away that easy - but then maybe we a walk away too easy from things that need to be worked at.

You might find yourself eating those words, when you are in negative equity and have a mortgage round your neck that she is refusing to help pay.

meritaten

I would say you don't trust each other - and once trust has gone its awfully difficult to gain it back.
do you think that she would agree to you both checking each others texts? because he is a work colleague and a degree of communication may be inevitable. in this situation I would be showing my OH texts to prove that it was work related and nothing else. if she is still 'hiding' communication with him it can mean two things.
one - she thinks you are jealous with no reason and wants to avoid arguments.
two - she thinks she can get away with two-timing you.
its up to you - do you think she can be trusted by you now, and in the future. if not, then you must walk away now.

marisco_2

Many people decide not to walk away easily from a relationship without first trying very hard to make it work. It's worth being astute though and to sit back and see a situation for what it is, before you heavily financially link yourself to someone who is not worthy of your trust and commitment. You are a far braver person than I am to buy a property with a woman, when you clearly cant trust her and she leaves you in a state of anguish much of the time. I truly hope this wont be a decision you live to regret OP.

krlyr

If you do decide to continue with the house purchase, it may not be too late to change how you are purchasing it your end, in terms of tenants in common or joint tenants - the former offering you a bit more protection if the relationship did end.
http://tenants-in-common.co.uk/tenants_in_common_information.asp

ERICS_MUM

she's 36 ? Nah, she doesn't love you, she has probably lived like this for 20 years and will continue to do so regardless of you asking her not to.

You are 44 - is this your first serious relationship ? Are you both paying equal shares towards this house ? Are you hoping she will settle down as wife and poss mother ?

To be honest I'd walk away, you can't change her and you will never be truely at peace with her. So sorry to sound harsh, I don't want you to be hurt any further.

bobthebuilder2006

go with ur gut, the fact she changed the persons name says it all, just gone through something similar myself, when u know ur right, u probably are

bobthebuilder2006

syd_b wrote: »

Thank you.
She's gone home now following the argument earlier. The thing is I believe she really loves me. What I can't fathom is what she needs to txt this other bloke (even though only half a dozen times since feb). If I reverse the tables I would do everything in my power to convince her I had cut all ties.
I really hate myself for checking - it's a bit like picking a scab - you know you shouldn't but you can't help yourself.
AND we complete in the house this Friday coming !
She made me promise at the time I wouldn't do anything to this bloke. There is a chance we could bump into him and his wife as apparently live in the same town. The male in me wants to thump him and give him some of the anguish I've had to live with.
I don't condone checking her phone - I know it was wrong but the fact is she didn't stick to what she said she would do.
Shes 36 I'm 44

the fact shes makin u promise u wont do anythin to the guy says it all, read my thread i need space, it wasnt until i said i had people who was gonna find out for me did she admit somethin was goin on, be careful mate! i checked my ex's facebook, findin out she asked for this guys number, she swore on her brothers life she never, it wasnt until i shown her screen shots she admited it!!