Getting a 3 yr old to sleep through (long sorry)

djtonyb

Now I know this is my entire fault - I breastfed her to sleep every night, I pampered to her crying, etc etc. So now I'm asking for advice...

I have a fantastic DD how is 3 and she has slept thought the night for 2 weeks max in her whole life.

She was diagnosed with night terrors when she was 6 months old (early I know) and has never been a great sleeper.

She doesn't have an afternoon nap because she is a nursery 5 afternoons a week. Our evening routine is bath/wash at 8pm followed by milk and stories til she falls asleep.

I’ve tried to let her fall asleep on her own but all hell breaks loose to the extent she is physically sick. We live in a cluster house and the neighbours have been known to come round to see what’s wrong when she get hysterical.

She is currently waking at 1pm, 2.30pm and this morning 5pm. She will usually have a drink of milk (I’ve started to water it down) and go back to sleep quite quickly with me sitting quietly on the floor or on the toilet :rolleyes: so she knows I’m close.

When she was younger I tried the controlled crying technique but gave up after 10 days (everyone said it would kick in after 3-5 days) and me being so frazzled I could have happily put myself under a train (I was diagnosed with PND when she was 15 months old a tiredness is my main trigger).

I work full time and my DH is a SAHD. I need to some help to get her to sleep because lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I’m really tired, I feel cr*p (sore throat/no voice) and constantly grumpy.

DH has tried to help but a hysterical child in the early hours of the morning because she wants her mummy.

Any advice please……….

Js_Other_Half

No advice, but I just thought you might need a <hug>.

Have you been in touch with your HV? I know neighbours of mine were put in touch with someone about their DS sleeping issues - to the point where they could phone up in the middle of the night and let the person on the other end of the phone listen to the child's crying, and reassure the parents that the child wasn't in pain etc

I know this isn't exactly your issue, but you can't be the only person who has a child of this age not sleeping.

KittyKate

Well since you work full time it seems like your daughter is dependent on the nighttime for a bit of mollycoddling from her mum. She knows that by playing up she can get your attention and sadly it works every time.

The only thing I can suggest you do is ignore her when she is crying. Its a horrible concept but it works. When she quietens down, come in the room and reassure her that you are close by. Slowly she will realise that crying doesn't get her anywhere (expect a week or so of sheer hell first though - sorry).

I'd also see your doctor, for your PND, and he might be able to refer your daughter to a sleep specialist for the night terrors.

Good luck x

misswig

KittyKate wrote: »

Well since you work full time it seems like your daughter is dependent on the nighttime for a bit of mollycoddling from her mum. She knows that by playing up she can get your attention and sadly it works every time.

The only thing I can suggest you do is ignore her when she is crying. Its a horrible concept but it works. When she quietens down, come in the room and reassure her that you are close by. Slowly she will realise that crying doesn't get her anywhere (expect a week or so of sheer hell first though - sorry).

I'd also see your doctor, for your PND, and he might be able to refer your daughter to a sleep specialist for the night terrors.

Good luck x

I agree. Certainly not critisising you for working full time as i also work full time and have a DS who is 3 so that would be a bit hypocritical of me
My DS(3) has also started to get up at least once during the night although usually for the toilet but settles down by himself. It's Bl**dy hard work and i empathise witht he exhaustion:D
I go through stages of feeling extremely guilty for not having as much time with him as i feel i should. )He goes to nursery full time (I'm a single mum) and is an extremely happy sociable little boy). During a guilty phase, he generally becomes very clingy, whingy and naughty probably because i let him and pander to it because i feel like a bad mum if i dont. My point is- could it be because you let her get away with it because of feeling guilty, that she is doing it. Maybe you could try the controlled crying thing again to see if that works now she is a bit older and can reason and make connections??

Oh and as for it being your fault in lettign it get to this stage?- you are obviously a fantastic devoted mother who loves your DD to bits, nothing to feel bad about on that score:

Vxx

liney

followed by milk and stories til she falls asleep.

There lies your problem.

One story, or two if you wish, selected by the child, but then thats it. She is dragging bed time out because you stay as long as she likes.

I have never had a problem with my son mainly because he was put down awake from about 3 months old, and has had the same routine ever since.

Bath/Shower, teeth cleaned, one story of his choice with mommy or daddy (again his choice) then kiss/cuddle, bed. There is a stairgate at his bedroom door to prevent him peedling around in the middle of the night, but also to make the point that he is not leaving his room because its bed time. On the rare occassion he gets up, i put him back, and if he crys i cuddle him, but it is still bedtime so i leave again within a minuite or two.

I know the above might sound abit strict, but it works for us and my son sleeps from 7.15pm until 7am ish every night.

Your daughter may be waking in the night because she is over tired or just because she knows you will come and sit with her.

Night terrors are usually a short phase whereby a child wakes hysterically, eyes open, but is almost like sleepwalking ie not really awake. Children often dont know who their parents are and are very distressed. If she is aware of what is going on around her to the degree she is specifically asking for you, she is not still having night terrors.

No one wants to see their child upset (the vomiting is a common attention getter btw), but if you are sleep deprived, then she certainly is. Best of luck. Don't give up! Super Nanny has great bedtime techniques if you visit the library.

Savvy_Sue

Also, at 3, she is old enough to be talked to about changes, how 'big girls' do things etc.

So you can talk through what you're going to try, eg

"Now you are a big girl you need to learn to fall asleep on your own. So we are going to have a story and a cuddle, and then I will leave you. I will only be downstairs, and the door will be open, and your bedside light left on. You can look at a book / listen to a story on tape after I've gone, or you can just snuggle down and go to sleep."

"If you wake in the night try to roll over and go back to sleep. If you have had a bad dream or you are frightened, either Daddy or I will come, but only to check you are OK. You can have a drink of water because now you are a big girl you should not have milk in the middle of the night because you've cleaned your teeth before bed. We will keep a little light on for you all night."

I think Christopher Green in "Toddler Taming" also suggests that you may need to start sitting on a chair next to the bed, then moving the chair further and further away until you're out of the room. You don't talk to the child, or react when they start with the "Muuuummy" thing, because they can see you are there. You're reading your own book, but you're there. Just not doing what the child has always been used to.

Star charts are supposed to work at this age as well. Never did with my lot, but hey, we're all different.

And I confess mine were never too bad at night: I guess they found I was so crabby it wasn't worth it! :rotfl:

I don't promise any of this will work in any timescale, but it does seem that she might be overtired as well, so maybe getting bedtime a little earlier?

loveandlight

It sounds to me like she is having reactions to the milk she 's drinking. I presume she is drinking cows milk? If you switch it to soya milk I bet she will start sleeping through the night. I had these problems with my son except he used to wake up every two hours throughout the night for over a year. My HV and doctor and everyone else told me to just let him cry it out but that didn't work. Then I got some books from the library and learned about food intolerances and allergies. I then switched him to soya milk and he immediately slept through the night for twelve hours straight without waking up at all and has done so ever since. He's ten now, but even now if he has too much dairy food, ice cream etc he will have a broken nights sleep and wake up very early. I know then he has 'overdosed' on cows milk and cut it right back. Hope this helps and good luck.

Pink_butterfly_3

She seems to go to bed very late. Have you tried putting her to bed earlier???

Both my kids (9 months & 2 years) are in bed by 6.30pm sharp. Any later and they get over tired and I tend to find that on these night, they are much more unsettled and likely to wake up throughout the night.

You have to be strict. My youngest was a nightmare sleeper at first. We did the controlled crying but it took two weeks for it to finally take effect. Many times throughtout those two weeks I was ready to throw myself under a bus, but I knew in the long run it had to be done.

Can I ask what you mean by night terrors?? Does she have these every night?

Nicki

I think Savvy Sue gave some fab advice. I also wondered though whether you might try to break the pattern and institute the new regime at a time when you were away and it was just your OH at home? Could you maybe go and stay with a friend or relative for a long weekend, so that however much she cries you cannot come, and you will not get upset? This will show her that nothing bad will happen if it is Dad who puts her back to bed, rather than you (though she'll probably still always prefer it to be you if she's like my two!)

An earlier bedtime might help a bit if it fits in with the family's timetable. I'm guessing though if you work fulltime that you don't get home until at least 6pm and want to spend a bit of time with her before bedtime, so do what's right for the family and she will adjust.

With night terrors, its true that while you are actually experiencing them you are not aware of anyone else in the room. However, you can wake yourself up with the noise of your own screaming, in which case you will be disorientated, stressed and upset. I speak as one who knows as I started to have them in my early twenties and still do now and again. Some mornings I have no recollection of them at all, but sometimes I can recall waking myself up in fear and being comforted by my lovely OH, who has had to get used to being randomly wakened by a blood-curdling scream in the early hours of the morning!

wifeforlife

((((((HUGS)))))))

Dont be getting down about it, we all have went through this.

My dd is 3 too. I find 8pm too late for her especially as she is also at nursery during the day and doesnt get a nap.

I dont bath her everynight but I do try to have her in bed by 7 with a short story of her choice. She is allowed to watch cbeebies once we finish our tea 6 ish or 6.15 to 7 when they sing the goodnight song. I find it curbs alot of problems with it being a light night too as I dont have to explain it's night time

I also stopped milk quite a long time ago, and I give my dd her dinner with me, usually anytime between 5.30 and 6.15. So she's not hungry and I give her plenty of juice and water through out the day.

Maybe you and dh having certain roles with your dd will also be good too. When you come home from work, he could maybe prepare dinner and you use that time to devote to your dd, then you put her to bed. It will give you a chance to have one on one time with her and will also give your husband time on his own. Then if shes up in the night maybe he could deal with it. Is there a chance you would have time in the morning for that routine also?!

I'm a single parent but really appreciate the morning and bedtime routine with my daughter, especially when your out to work I feel its special to us

I know how hard it is, but it will get better! You'll receive so much good advice here and it's just up to you to decide or try what will work for you and your family

Sincerest goodluck
Cate

maverickangel

big (((hugs))) hun, u must be absolutely shattered.

I shall probably be royally flamed by the "stand no nonsense and be disciplined" brigade, but if your OH is amenable, is there any reason why DD couldn't creep in with u at night?

My DD, also 3, wakes up from time to time and just pops into bed with me, cuddles up and goes to sleep. We have a strict bedtime (7pm) and she always starts off in her own bed, but hops into mine if she wakes up sad. It doesn't wake me up, she's happy and we all get a good night's sleep.

She's been doing it since she was about 21/2, and the number of night visits are steadily reducing. I guess eventually she'll just sleep through in her own bed, but I'm not in a hurry.

I do wonder if 8pm is a little late for a three year old (just mine is fit to be tied by 7 TBH), and also u r doing the right thing pulling the milk and just making sure water is available.

It seems pointless to me to try controlled crying if DD is just going to cry until she's sick. Apart from the stress, u obviously can't leave a child to sleep in a bed full of sick, so she still gets to see mummy, which is what she wants.

Just my take on it. Whatever u decide to do, if u can possibly get a good night's sleep a week somewhere else (relatives / friends) then do it. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so it's no wonder you're feeling frayed at the edges.
Good luck mav x