Changing pattern of visits - elderly parents

ostrichnomore_2

Hi

Anyone got any advice on discussing this with my parents without their feelings getting hurt?

My parents are elderly with increasing health problems (Dad has alzheimers too) and are getting more housebound and frankly lonely and bored. I love visiting them and understand they need more support these days, so don't take my question the wrong way...

...but how can I cut down the length of my visits? At the moment it's always a big production, all day or evening, overnight stay thing, and I find that too much. Partly it's the journey - it's an hour drive which is nothing to me, but they think is a huge terrible drive, hence the pressure to stay overnight/not drive back in dark etc.And it makes it difficult to go as often as I'd like (I work full time, study part time, also have friends/other family etc) and these mega visits can be quite difficult. But I feel sort of guilt tripped into them. I'm there about once a week at the moment, I'd like to pop over 2 -3 times instead but for shorter visits - say 2-3 hours. I think this would be better for them as well. But I just find it impossible to raise with them - they think that once I'm there they want me to stay as long as possible, and I'd feel really mean saying 'I don't want to'.

We've been talking about my taking them out Sat afternoon - a lunch and few hours out, just got off phone to mum and now I'm under pressure to go at 10am, stay there for lunch, go out for afternoon, go back to house, stay for tea, and go home around 8pm (or stay...). This sounds awful but I just don't want to be there that long. Yet at the same time they do the whole 'we don't want to be a burden/you don't have to come so often' thing as well :undecided

(I have 3 siblings who also visit, we make sure someone is there every weekend and the two of us who are nearest also visit at other times).

~Beanie~

As well as the above suggestions which are very good, could you also invent some 'thing' that you have happening at a certain time, such as a party or dinner invitation, so that you have to be home and would have to leave at say 5pm and couldn't stay later?

red_devil

ostrichnomore wrote: »

Hi

Anyone got any advice on discussing this with my parents without their feelings getting hurt?

My parents are elderly with increasing health problems (Dad has alzheimers too) and are getting more housebound and frankly lonely and bored. I love visiting them and understand they need more support these days, so don't take my question the wrong way...

...but how can I cut down the length of my visits? At the moment it's always a big production, all day or evening, overnight stay thing, and I find that too much. Partly it's the journey - it's an hour drive which is nothing to me, but they think is a huge terrible drive, hence the pressure to stay overnight/not drive back in dark etc.And it makes it difficult to go as often as I'd like (I work full time, study part time, also have friends/other family etc) and these mega visits can be quite difficult. But I feel sort of guilt tripped into them. I'm there about once a week at the moment, I'd like to pop over 2 -3 times instead but for shorter visits - say 2-3 hours. I think this would be better for them as well. But I just find it impossible to raise with them - they think that once I'm there they want me to stay as long as possible, and I'd feel really mean saying 'I don't want to'.

We've been talking about my taking them out Sat afternoon - a lunch and few hours out, just got off phone to mum and now I'm under pressure to go at 10am, stay there for lunch, go out for afternoon, go back to house, stay for tea, and go home around 8pm (or stay...). This sounds awful but I just don't want to be there that long. Yet at the same time they do the whole 'we don't want to be a burden/you don't have to come so often' thing as well :undecided

(I have 3 siblings who also visit, we make sure someone is there every weekend and the two of us who are nearest also visit at other times).

your parents are lucky to have you and your siblings visit and they should be prepared to negotiate sometimes.

MakeupAddict_2

I can't be a lot of help, but I totally sympathise. The details differ, but in principle my situation is the same. The main difference is that my parents live two hours drive away, and as OH and I both work full time, 2-3 hours a couple of times a week isn't possible. We end up going over for a few days every time we have time off from work, but obviously that isn't very often. And although OH is brilliant about it, as he gets on well with them and vice versa, I get slightly more holiday a year than he does, so he spends a lot of his holiday days over there and then goes straight back to work, while I can have a couple more days at home to myself, which I feel guilty about, But he drives and I don't, and we're the sort of couple who always do a lot of/most things together, so as far as he's concerned, if I'm going he's going. I actually have no reason to feel guilty about him, it is genuinely his choice that we do it that way, but it doesn't stop me.

The visits have shrunk in length recently, because both my parents' health has deteriorated and that's as long as they can manage to have us there without it killing them (and please don't ask why I don't do more to help when I'm there, I would - but I'm not allowed. In their mind, I'm their little girl and it's their job to look after me. I'm literally not allowed to do much other than set the table, although the last few times they've grudgingly let me wash up because they were shattered).

I would like to go over for a day at the weekend - like you, shorter visits but more often. But we also get the 'it's too far to drive for just a day', if we tried to 'pop in' they'd ask why we hadn't rung first, and if we did ring they'd spend the next two hours frantically tidying up and worrying what we were going to eat.

It was my decision to cut down the length of the visits. We used to go for a week at a time, but I could see what it was doing to them. I found other commitments that meant we had to go a day or two later, or something that meant we had to arrange to come home sooner. And I think before long I'm just going to be firm, tell them we're coming for the day, and then just turn up like I said we would.

You said you're being put under pressure to extend your day with them on Saturday - can you try just being assertive? Say firmly 'I'll be there at 12.00 and we'll go out for lunch - but I shall have to leave at 5.00'? Try not to get into excuses or justifications, but if you have to, have a few good ones up your sleeve and stay firm. It'll take a few goes for them to accept the new pattern, but they will get there.

I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but to let you know that you're not alone. And as parents live longer and longer, I suspect we're not the only two.

MuAx

ostrichnomore_2

Thanks all, I think I just needed to vent a bit after a rather frustrating phone call to my mum :-). Popping in randomly won't work for a couple of reasons, but good ideas here. To be fair if I say I need to go/have something else to do they do accept it, they aren't really difficult, just love having me there, so I feel g.u.i.l.t.y about not staying as long as they like. Need to take charge of visits a bit more. Will ring again and say I'll be there at 1 tomorrow and need to make a move before tea.

(bless they were on a mini campaign to get me to move in with them recently when I was flat hunting, that got quoshed immediately!)

Dunroamin

I think that, when you see that you are coming more often, they'll be happy for it to be shorter. As they see you only once a week now, they want to hang on to you while they've got you.

Could you possibly try adding in at least one of the shorter midweek visits before cutting back on the long weekend one?

Wilma33

Just practice saying "I need to leave at 5pm today, but I'll pop in and see you one evening next week"

troubleinparadise

Dear Ostrichnomore,

This is a difficult situation, and one I was familiar with - for what turned out to be 8 years ultimately.

I will ring a warning bell here - their situation is not going to become easier, and with your father's alzheimer's it will become more difficult from not just a 'providing company' scenario, but the full-on decline issues.

I agree with the idea of just saying the amount of time you'll be visiting for "midday till 5pm" or whatever suits you. Whilst it might not be as much as is wanted, I rather suspect that you'll never meet that fully! So I think it would be wise to set your boundary, and try to stick to it where practicable. You are only human, and need time to yourself, but the guilt monster can play havoc with all that.

I lived 60 miles away, and by the time I'd done all the jobs, gone shopping, had lunch, sat and talked, gone for a walk, sorted out the paperwork, you name it, I was exhausted myself and often stayed because I couldn't cope with the drive back home to the same set of tasks!

There is also the other angle to guilt - I was very aware that time was running out, that we would not be able to share those times together for much longer. There was an element of self-sacrifice, and resentment on my part, but ultimately I'm glad I did it, and it was by my choice. But that was my particular situation.

If you aren't already familiar with it, I do recommend the Alzheimer's Society website - there is masses of information on how to live with dementia, and they have a forum for those who are affected by dementia, whether sufferer or carer:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forum.php

moggitymog

maybe you could look at taking them to clubs or memory cafes, so increasing their social life. we have freshstart near us which has lunch clubs etc and also carer support