Am I silly for being upset?

sitcom321

my best friend for years has upset me and I dont know if I am being irrational or not. we are in our late 50's and my youngest daughter has just had her 2nd baby, my friend has completely ignored it she has not bought her a card/present or me a new grandparent card and its really upset me. do i say something and if so what?

I have an elder daughter who has 2 children and she buys them cards/presents for birthdays/christmas/easter etc. my elder daughter is very friendly with her daughter. she doesnt buy anything for my youngest daughers 1st child (which i have always found strange) although she did buy a card and present when he was born. she has 2 grandchildren and i always buy for both of them. i am really confused as to why she would not even send a congratulatory card, the present doesnt bother me. money isnt an issue to her so it must be something else. am i being silly and petty, i feel i cant let it go without saying something to her but dont know what to say

Fluff15

Perhaps she doesn't feel like she has such a close relationship with the younger daughter that she would buy gifts and such. Our family has friends who are directly friends with my Mum, but are also friends with my brother and not me. I don't take this personally, I was just growing up at a different time so I was more independent and therefore didn't build a relationship with them. This sounds like the same case with your younger one - she isn't in the picture as much.

Or maybe, it just slipped her mind and now she would feel awkward giving a card or gift retrospectively. I do this all the time, my friends and family members rarely get a card for Christmas or on their birthdays as I've probably only remembered on the day at 11.30pm, and so it's too late to send something in the post and I feel like an idiot texting.

If your relationship with your friend is absolutely fine in every other way, then don't stress about it.

Goldiegirl

Gosh, I didn't know there was such a thing as a new grandparent card.

It looks as if your friend's daughter has a closer relationship with your eldest, so that's probably why she gets cards and gifts for the eldest's children.

Your youngest is probably someone she knows, but doesn't feel so close to, and not close enough for present giving. Even if your friend is well off, she probably feels a line has to be drawn somewhere, as she'd be buying presents for every one she has an passing acquaintance with!

I wouldn't read to much in to it, just get on with getting to know the new arrival, and don't worry about it

mrcow

You're completely overreacting. And you could let something so petty and insignificant ruin a relationship with your BEST friend!

Your friend does not have to have the same relationship with both of your daughters. People often are closer to one person in a family over another. If she was a grandparent etc, then it would be slightly different. But she's not.

You're making something out of nothing. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Or you'll be regretting it for a long time. Get over it and enjoy YOUR new grandchild. Leave everyone else up to themselves.

peachyprice

I'm astounded that people actually expect new grandparent cards.

OP, you've said yourself that your friend is closer to your older daughter and that her daughter is her friend too, that doesn't mean that she's obliged to extend her generosity to your younger daughter.

Really, move on, don't let it ruin a friendship.

whitewing

To me, a new grandparent card is for when you actually become grandparents rather than every time a grandchild is born. It doesn't mean that subsequent gc are less joyful than the first.

duchy

I am around your age by the sound of it and a lot of my friends are becoming grandparents. Honestly I can't keep up with them all .

Two friend's daughters had babies this month within a few days of each other. I congratulated them both but one will get a gift as I actually *know* the daughter.

I think your friend has no obligation to give gifts to either of your children -and it's lovely that she does give gifts to the family she actually has a connection with ......and perfectly niormal that she doesn't to the daughter's family she is on an aquaintance basis with.

You are seeing your daughters as equal - which to you they are......but as adults your friend has two distinctly different relationships with each of your daughters - and no obligation to "be fair" the way you do.

I think you have no reason to be upset with your friend -and I'm sure she would be upset that you have reacted in this way to her generosity to your family members she *does* have a relationship with.

millysg1

Definatley over reacting im afriad. It's just a card! I think there are a lot more important things in life to worry about. Dont let something so minor ruin your friendship and get you down. Enjoy life, your grandchild and your friendships. I hate the expectations people have about cards. I wouldnt care if i never got a card again from my friends and family as long as they showed there love/friendship in ways that matter and were there for me when it matters.
I also agree with a post above, I sometimes completely forget till last minute when it is too embarrassing to get one.

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

You are seeing your daughters as equal - which to you they are......but as adults your friend has two distinctly different relationships with each of your daughters - and no obligation to "be fair" the way you do.

I think this sentence says it all. :T

OP, I hope you can see things through different eyes after reading the replies and not let unwarranted pique spoil a long-term friendship.

rosierosierosie

I would say that you might be overreacting here - my best friend and I can go through thick and thin together so I would think that you would be able to too.

I wasn't aware of a new grandparent card, so I think we can rule that out as a cause for upset. And technically, you're not a "new" grandparent if you have grandchildren already.

Best friends should be able to talk about anything, so if it really is bothering you I would maybe mention something like "my daughter mentioned that she's upset that she hasn't heard from you regarding her baby". Then again, this might just be stirring the pot, and it may just be best left alone. As many others have said, maybe she is just closer to your other daughter.

paulineb_2

sitcom321 wrote: »

my best friend for years has upset me and I dont know if I am being irrational or not. we are in our late 50's and my youngest daughter has just had her 2nd baby, my friend has completely ignored it she has not bought her a card/present or me a new grandparent card and its really upset me. do i say something and if so what?

I have an elder daughter who has 2 children and she buys them cards/presents for birthdays/christmas/easter etc. my elder daughter is very friendly with her daughter. she doesnt buy anything for my youngest daughers 1st child (which i have always found strange) although she did buy a card and present when he was born. she has 2 grandchildren and i always buy for both of them. i am really confused as to why she would not even send a congratulatory card, the present doesnt bother me. money isnt an issue to her so it must be something else. am i being silly and petty, i feel i cant let it go without saying something to her but dont know what to say

A new grandparent card? Seriously. Does everything need to turn into a Hallmark occasion? You should be happy at the new arrival, not upset because someone hasnt bought you a card.

And she buys cards and presents for the grandkids that you have that she is closest to and also bought a present for the other grandchild when he was born?

Why does everything need to come down to, I buy this for them therefore they need to buy this for me?

Thats not a friendship if you are sitting worrying about whether shes done enough for your grandkids compared to what youve done for hers.

Make an issue of it and it might be the end of the friendship. I dont think you are daft to feel the way you feel, these are your feelings and that is how you feel just now. But I honestly dont see what the issue is, she buys presents and not just birthday presents, easter and christmas presents and you do the same back. Surely theres more to your friendship than who buys the most for the respective grandkids.

But expecting a new grandparent card? It takes me all my time to buy cards for my nearest and dearest because I dont see the point in spending 3 quid on a bit of card when Id rather spend a bit more on their present.

Hallmark has a lot to answer for. What next, seriously.