What is your best smart-mouthed retort?

NoGoodNamesLeft

Person_one wrote: »

I have to agree, people don't really behave like this, surely? Not that I've seen anyway. I love a quick, clever one liner when the timing's right but these 'retorts' are mostly just making me cringe.

I agree. I think that a lot of "witty comebacks" must sound better in the person's head as they always sound really forced in real life. The genuinely funny ones always seem to be accidental or spontaneous.

I wouldn't bother trying to come up with put-downs for this group. They won't appreciate them and you'll just make it obvious they are getting to you. Calm indifference is your best strategy I think.

fingledingle

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

[sigh] There's always one. Blame the person who is attacked for making the thug behave that way. 'You must have said something to them to make them attack you, or looked at them a bit funny, come on, it's not going to be all their fault, is it?'.


Physical attacks can also follow when the person on the receiving end doesn't say a word and pretends that nothing has happened. Because it gives a clear message to the others that they can push it even further.

Errr where have I said I have been attacked? I am talking from my experience as a former Police Officer, dealing with victims and offenders in bullying cases. And where have I blamed the OP? (You must have said something to them to make them attack you) hence my advice.

southoftheriver

I agree that the best retorts are spontaneous, but most of these seem to be and they really do stop people in their tracks.

I remember being at sixth form when one of the bullies (who had left after GCSE's) returned for no other reason than to maintain her patch and show off. She saw me and shouted my name, I ignored her and carried on walking. When she ordered me to respond to her I said "I'm sorry, haven't you seen the sign? Dogs aren't allowed in here."

I left pretty sharpish after that, but it was worth standing up to her to let her know that I wasn't going to take her crap anymore.

Rain_Shadow

wowimustlovehim wrote: »

If you're brave enough, stop a couple of seconds, look them up and down, shrug your shoulders, and whilst walking off mutter loud enough for them to here something like " no, still doesn't affect me "

Nothing more guaranteed to demonstrate just how very much it did, and still does, affect you IMO.

Kitiara

One Xmas "do" after being hassled by the resident letch for ages, he asked me for a kiss under the mistletoe I replied "I wouldn't kiss you under anasthetic!" ... his face was a picture.

Another was bumping into a girl I had gone to school with and was extremely slim and a complete b!tch at school saying "0oh J** you haven't changed a bit" to me, my reply after looking up and down at her now more than ample frame "Ooh S**** you have!" The look was priceless!

meritaten

coolcait wrote: »

A DDouble entendre...

lol - er she is rather further along the alphabet than that! More FF!

Georgiegirl256

Kitiara wrote: »

One Xmas "do" after being hassled by the resident letch for ages, he asked me for a kiss under the mistletoe I replied "I wouldn't kiss you under anasthetic!" ... his face was a picture.

Love it! That's awesome! :rotfl:

miss_independent

It's not what you are hoping for or relevant to your situation but I had a lovely moment of triumph earlier.

I'm getting a lot of subtle "digs" from my Mum about her wanting Grandchildren from me...at least once a day at present. Tbh, I'm trying to accept that at 29, with no decent relationship prospects on the horizon, that I may never get the chance to have children of my own and I have been feeling pretty low/sensitive about it. I'd love to be a Mum, more than anything, but things haven't went too well for me romantically. Some people seem to think that you just click your fingers and the perfect man appears and falls instantly for you. I don't need to be sent on a guilt trip right now!

E.g...the other day we were passing some baby clothes and my Mum said, "Ooooh... Look at these! Look! LOOK!!!! See now, this is all the kind of things I'd be buying.......if I EVER get my grandchildren." *exaggerated sigh* and wistful look at me, which I ignored.

Then yesterday, "Oh, I heard a lovely name today, very unusual. You need to remember it as you don't hear that name too often, there aren't many babies going round called that."

And today, I was driving past a lady with her baby in a gorgeous new Silver Cross Pram which I (stupidly) admired in front of my Mum. She said, "Oh, that is gorgeous." so I hastily replied, "I've seen it before, its very expensive." Mum asked, "How much is expensive?" and I said, "At least £600." Then she looked at me and said, "£600? Oh come on! That's not expensive, I'll buy it for you!"

I had to bite my tongue not to say, "For what? My imaginary baby? You do know I'm not pregnant don't you?" and once again I ignored it.

Who do we bump into but an older friend of mine, her Mum and her 8 month old daughter. We both start cooing and the baby gives me a lovely smile and my friend says, "Thank God, she likes you. She doesn't take to most people, she usually screams at them." My Mum gets that look in her eyes and starts going off on one - she says, "Yes ALL children ADORE Miss I, all the babies smile at her, she's wonderful with children. I just wish she'd get a mov-"

At which point, I was fed up and butted in, in a sickly sweet, patronising voice, "YES! Mum is right! ALL babies ADORE me! They really, really do. It's such a pity that Men hate me so much...I would have made a WONDERFUL mother."

My Mum just looked at me in horror while my friend and her Mum were trying not to burst out laughing. She didn't marry until 3 years ago when she was in her late 30's so had all the pressure from her Mum too! My friend just winked at me, and sympathetically said "Let me know if you need to meet up for a coffee. Just the two of us!"

zoesmummy_2006

My best one was when an older guy who was friends with my auntie was trying it on with me and I just wasnt interested, he told me that once i'd been with him i'd never look at another man again, I smiled sweetly and replied "why, are you that bad i'd turn to women???". My aunt about choked on her wine laughing and the guy finally got the message

sexylulubelle

daisiegg wrote: »

I don't give 'smart mouthed retorts' nor do I ever hear anyone else doing so, off the TV screens. Life is not a sitcom...

Really? you must live a very sheltered life then........ no life is not a sitcom but still a witty retort is not that uncommon from my parts of the country.....
my fav! cant take credit for it is " Oh.... look a flying F%&k it must have escaped before I could give it!....................................... lol!