17 year old son Causing Problems at Home

Orange_King

Hope that some people who have unfortunately been through similar family difficulties will be able to advise an appropriate course of action and what the legalities are.
We have a 17 year old (18 in January) diagnosed with ADHD and refusing to take his medication who is now basically totally uncooperative, disruptive, aggressive, intimidating while in the household. His behaviour is at times very threatening towards his mother and younger brother. There is rarely a day goes by now where there is not some situation needing dealt with and he can’t be reasoned with at all when in the home.
He has also started to remove himself to a friend’s house for extended periods of 2 or 3 days and the conclusion is that he is drinking and possibly getting access to drugs but would hope that things have not reached that stage yet. He won't tell us where this is but we believe it is a notorious bed sit area in our town and while away he won't answer phone calls or texts. He has just lost his part time job through being inflexible/not suited to the line of work and while he has money available this won’t last with a phone contract etc.
We have had a family holiday booked for a year and leave in 2 weeks time but he has said that he won’t be going and expects to be left alone in the house. We have agreed that he can’t be left unsupervised during this period. He has been told that he can either go with us, go to relatives if they will have him or basically be removed from the house. Social Services have been involved previously and are due to meet with us tomorrow to discuss this.
He is now of an age where he could decide to leave of his own free will but he doesn’t have employment or life skills necessary to be on his own but at the same time life can’t continue as it has for my wife and other son who have to endure much of the aggression.
As his parents, can we rightfully remove him from the home at this age (he is still in education doing Public Services ironically enough) until such times that he will comply with house rules and manage to get on with everyone without fear of further abuse? We don’t want to cut him off completely either as our door would always be open if he was able to get the help he needs to sort things out. But he won’t listen to anyone and his friend has clearly been steering him down the road of conflict.
We have an appointment booked to see the family GP however in the past it has always been left in the hands of the CAMHS folk who are responsible for his medication etc and he doesn't attend their appointments when required.
We are really now strugglling to find an alternative but to make him realise the error of his ways outside of the safety net of the family home. Grateful for any suggestions/advice and what steps can be taken regarding his removal from the house if we do go on holiday.

Orange_King

We had a meeting with our social services contact on Thursday and she is taking him out for a coffee tomorrow. Meantime, he's been awol again this weekend not even in our town and no sign of any co-operation.

SS confirmed he would not be allowed to remain on his own and would be placed in a hostel for a temporary period until a permanent solution is found.

I still hope he will come away with us despite the aggro he is likely to cause but ultimately he does need a shock to his system.

So many views, so little response.

z.n

No suggestions for you - but lots of sympathy. It must be a huge worry. I do hope things ease a bit. A lot of young men seem to go through a 'wild' phase -the trouble is that it is easy to go too far.

Orange_King

Thanks, his freedom of course is dictated by the access he has to money from his job. With that gone and bills to pay his stance won't be able to continue indefinitely.

FatVonD

No useful advice but, if you're worried that the house may get trashed while you're away, do you have a relative that would house sit for you?

spacey2012

From someone older and wiser.
No negotiation, it is either your way or the highway once they are old enough to look after themselves.

kelpie35

I do understand your worries and frustrations. I have had to go through a similar situation with my son.

I am pleased you are having support from SS.

If your son does decide that he is not going to go on holiday with you then you need to make sure he does not have a key to your home. I would also inform your local police or good neighbour to keep a watch on your home and if he returns in your absence, it will be dealt with immediately.

SS will place him in a safe hostel till you return.

If I can be of anymore help please PM me.

Take care

cutestkids

This must be a difficult situation you find yourself in OP he is your son and you will want to do what is best for him but while he is behaving in an aggressive and threatening manner towards other members of the household he really can not be there.

You say he is refusing his medication, is this a recent development, was the medication previously helping him?
If it is recent do you know why he has stopped taking it will he talk to you at all about how he feels?

I think that at almost 18 he is old enough to need to be able to make some decisions about his condition and meds but he can not just come off he will need to take medical advice and look at behaviour management and other ways of helping to control his condition, he needs to be aware that the situation as it stands is not acceptable and that you will not allow it to continue, if a short sharp shock is what is needed then I would be firm, he either attends meetings about his health, and takes advice given onboard or you will withdraw your support until such times as he does.

May sound harsh but one person in a household can not be allowed to make living conditions intolerable for everyone else no matter what diagnosis they may have.

CustardAndPickles

Just to echo other posters, really. Your son is almost 18, he's making everyone else's life miserable and it's his choice to do so. Realistically, if he's "aggressive" it's not going to be long before he ends up hitting people at home.
So yes, you probably should turf him out. Social Services will find a hostel for him as you've said and realistically, living in a hostel with no money might make him realise how good he had it at home.

itsanne

Orange_King wrote: »

So many views, so little response.

I suspect others are like me - loads of sympathy but unable to actually help. With a son nearly 10 years older than yours with longstanding serious mental health problems, I've had your original post in my mind since it first went up, so thank you for updating.

There is already good advice here about avoiding possible problems at home while you are away. Having been in a similar situation, I hope the following observations may be of some help.

Despite knowing that your son will be accommodated while you are away it will feel very strange leaving him behind. As well as worrying about what he is up to, you may well feel guilty about going away and enjoying yourselves. That does eventually get easier. In the meantime, in light of his aggressive behaviour towards your wife and other son, maybe a holiday without your son is in everyone else's best interest.

It is almost inevitable that there has been a conflict between what was best for your son and what was in everyone else’s best interests. It will have been a no win situation. There comes a point, though, when the balance has to swing towards others in the family. Maybe a combination of your son’s age and the deliberate choices he is making means that you have arrived at that point. That is not being unsympathetic towards your son, but in the long run things cannot continue as they are at present.

The first time we put our son out he was very slightly older than yours. We let him come back about six months later, but had to put him out again. We see him regularly and provide a lot of support, but there is no way we could contemplate allowing him to live with us again. We felt very guilty initially, but not now. Assuming a similar situation in N Ireland as Scotland, because of your son’s diagnosis he will be supported/accommodated beyond the age of 18. Hopefully that will give you some breathing space.

The more you do, or are thought to cope with, the more you'll be left to get on with it. Despite the "breathing space" noted above, the older your son becomes the more difficult it can be to obtain outside support. It's very important to make use of the support that is being offered at present.

I don’t want to hi-jack your thread with more details, OP, but please feel free to PM me if it would help.

Take care of yourself – and the rest of your family. Enjoy your holiday when it comes!

whiteguineapig

i have no advice either,
op would a good burglar alarm set your mind more at rest while you are away on holiday
i think that would be worth the expense