Families - Who'd Have Them lol

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Unfortunately you have no idea what happened to your brother and he probably has no idea what happened to you. You have both been surviving alone and his light bulb may not go off for years yet. What a shame as probably you two talking about it might be the best therapy for both of you.

Not a nice situation for you to have to sit back and hope that one day you can be close again.

Ames

I'm in a similar situation. When my parents split up I moved out with dad, leaving my sister with our abusive mum, who got a lot worse. I was 18.

Mum died a couple of years ago and me and sister have had some heart to hearts, and I think she does blame me to some extent.

But I have to accept that it's her problem, not mine. I can't change anything now. (If only accepting it were as easy as saying it!). I think you have to do that too - you can't change what happened in the past.

Having counselling is a great step forward, and I think that at least to start with you have to concentrate on yourself, your own feelings, your own life. Even if your brother suddenly responded to your contact, would you be able to help him? It sounds like you're not in a place to do that, you need to come to terms with your own experiences before you can help him with his. I know from me and my sister, when she's told me things I just haven't been able to process them, because I was having a hard enough time dealing with my own demons. And, of course, he has to be in a place to want help. Until you're both in the right places then trying to do anything could just make matters worse.

I hope that didn't sound too harsh - I didn't mean it to.

[Deleted User]

Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate all your responses and you writing down your experiences. I am only just becoming consciously aware of some of this (which hopefully means many years later I'm actually healthy enough mentally for these things to be remembered/connections to be made), and obviously fresh viewpoints are helpful.

meritaten

I think it isn't that you are 'discovering' things so much as 're-discovering' them or seeing them in a new light. the mind is a strange thing - you can see, read or hear one thing for years and years - then suddenly you have a 'light bulb moment' and it really makes sense! its just the mind is ready to cope with the information now! I am nearly sixty and still think I am a 'work in progress' - but I try to take things as they come and hope the years have given me the experience and wisdom to come through hard times. I truly believe that 'which does not kill you serves to make you stronger'. It may be that although you are well on your path to healing - you are not ready yet to take on your brothers issues too. it will happen at the right time for YOU and him! have faith in that.

RAS

deannatrois
Fortunately my parents split up so the physical abuse ended. But if I were to mention any of this to my younger brother I would get to things from him:
1 I am lying cos’ it never happened
2 he would be shouting and bellowing, moving round the place quickly, throwing his arms around – quite frightening really.

Last time I did this I decided not to bother trying again.

Now I realise he has no recollection of what happened although he remembers deep down hence the desperate efforts to prevent any recollection (the arm waving is as if he is brushing memories away from in front of his eyes).

For many years I had PTSD which meant that I could disappear into a mangled heap for several days if anything or anyone triggered a memory of what happened. So I avoided anyone who reminded me of what happened.

Your brother may not have any memory or he may simply have had to minimise the importance of what happened in order to survive in your parent’s household.
All you can do is work on your own recovery and be there one day if he wants to talk to you about it.
P.S, Wee bro is over 50 years old.

[Deleted User]

Yes I didn't want to mention it because its not good that its taken me this long to get this far.., but I am nearly 50. Thank you so much for your comments RAS, I can empathise with a lot of what you've written.

I am beginning to wonder if I have a form of PTSD because at the moment I am having problems with memories intruding and causing some stress. Obviously its happened before but more when I'd just left home for a few years.

I experienced a lot of fear with my ex too. Still do even though he doesn't live here anymore. But to be honest fear is a part of my life. Its amazing how this thread is helping me to make possible connections and think about things. Thank you so much.

meritaten

yes - There is a reason its called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Have a look at each word in turn and its meaning as relating to yourself. You may be thinking the PTSD is related to your childhood - which is why you think its taken a long time to get this far - but, hun from my seat here - you had ONGOING Traumatic Stress until quite recently! something to think about eh? you are doing well hun, don't be too keen to take on someone else's burden until you have put down your own!

RAS

deannatrois wrote: »

I am beginning to wonder if I have a form of PTSD because at the moment I am having problems with memories intruding and causing some stress. Obviously its happened before but more when I'd just left home for a few years.

Given your history, it is more than likely. Humans are hard-wired to panic; as one of my teachers said the early human who heard a twig snap and thought "Ooh bunny rabbit" got fewer chances to pass on their genes.

I am pretty much mended from that and from an attack when I was an adult (thankfully I had done a LOT of work on the childhood stuff when that happened and understood my reactions and had a lot of strategies to cope with it).

PTSD is not something that just goes away. I can still fall off my stool occasionally. The big advantage is that:

1. I know I have fallen off my stool; my over-reaction is as a result of something that happened a long time ago not what has just happened.

2. I have a number of strategies to use for immediate self-help and places I can go to sort it out. It is possible to fix response to single incidents rather than the entire package. The earlier the incident the more useful it is in unpicking the damage done by later incidents.

3. The length of time between lapses gets longer and longer (well over 5 years now).

I eventually realised that I could not pre-fix problems because I dont know everything that triggers a response but I am massively happier.

There is also a category of smaller responses; the ones when my voice tenses and I cut off emotionally; sometimes when my memeory and a sibling's are different for the same event for example. My adverse reponse to those is lessening and I could talk about them now. I choose not to as my siblings response is justified; they were not in fear of a battering at the time which affected me.

Be very kind to yourself; counselling or psycho-therapy are hard work and you need to pace yourself so that you can manage the level of distress you feel.

Your therapist should make sure that you are safe and OK before you end the session and can contact them if you have problems between sessions.