Families - Who'd Have Them lol

[Deleted User]

Sorry about the title.., Its not really appropriate. Bit stressed at the moment.

I have a little bit of a bad family history.., abusive childhood .., got beaten up every week for real or imaginary misdemeanors. Lots of emotional bad stuff. Recently discovered what gaslighting is and yes, they did that so successfully I, even now, tend to have to fight my surety of remembering things correctly (although its not such a problem now).

I have started some counselling recently (just had one session), have had other counselling in the past which helped me gradually become more 'normal' - unfortunately the way I reacted to things wasn't 'normal' at all because I'd been so isolated and received a very warped sense of the world.

I saw my mum recently and we did have a bit of a talk. My brother won't talk to me, phone me, and is quite 'you're a weird one' to me like the rest of my 'family'. We were quite close, I used to try and protect him but not very successfully. I left home at 16, simply because it was that or I wouldn't survive. The physical abuse had reduced by then but the mental abuse was astounding. They were trying to break me apparently, to 'do me good' (yes, I know, unbelievable). I talked to her about my brother and told her how bad I felt, that he must have felt I'd abandoned him, and maybe this was why he is the way he is with me. My mum denied he'd walked around with bruises showing after I left (she herself told me people had remarked upon them some time ago.., I don't know what is wrong with me, the significance of what she was saying didn't hit me then somehow) and told me 'he was too soft' (again, I don't know how I didn't show my disgust at this statement). I was just so stunned I didn't know what to say. I haven't had much to do with her for about 10 years.

I wish there was something I could do to turn around things with my brother. He is close to my mum and stepdad. Maybe it was a choice he had to make (I was always viewed as the black sheep of the family, as awkward although I honestly did not do anything to deserve that title). But I can remember how frightened I was in that house as a teen, he was totally alone, three years younger and I left him to it. I'm afraid I was so busy surviving and dealing with some bad emotional stuff, it didn't even occur to me at the time what I'd done. And now, its probably too late.., but I feel so sorry, I wish I could have taken him away with me. I couldn't have done.., I don't think, abuse didn't really figure on the social register in those days (1980), childline didn't even exist. My own church handed me over to my parents when I ran from them once and hid in the church, knowing full well I was terrified. People just didn't bother then. But I wish I could have done. I've tried to talk to him in the past, not intensely but gently, broaching the subject, but he also denies anything ever happened. But he hasn't had a single relationship that lasted any length of time, and his experiences may be part of that. He left home as soon as he got a job too.

So what do I do with all this? Do I just bury it? I've texted him, no answer, phoned him, no answer, he just doesn't seem to want to know. But in my head I am now haunted by this fair haired lovely sunny boy (when my mum moved in with my stepfather).., who I left to be beaten up and frightened, without even realising for many years what I'd done. And I can't forget now.

shelley_crow

Firstly, there's not a lot you could have done to protect your brother. You were just a child yourself. Protecting you was your mothers job, which obviously she failed very badly at! Your mother and step dad are the only culpable ones in this.

You both made an effort to get away but were given back to your abusers. If that had happened today, it wouldn't have been long before you both were taken away from your parents. The church and the 'system' let you both down but there was nothing you could have done.

Your brother sounds like he has been damaged by what happened to him, understandably. Just remember, people who gaslight likevto rewrite history, so your brother might have been told all sorts as to why you left. Again, there's nothing you can do until he realises what they are upto.

FBaby

Gosh, what a dreadful childhood, you've done amazingly well (and your brother) to get out of it scared but alive.

My view on your post is that now is not the right time to try to get in touch with him because you seem to be in the midst of coping with your sense of guilt. For one, you don't know that him not being in contact with has to do with you living at 16, and for two, it is for him to explain to you why he is distant (probably a mixture of things, some you haven't thought of at all).

How about you go ahead with your counselling, get even better in your head, work on those feelings of guilt which are likely to be totally displaced, and when you are more at peace with yourself, you could contact him by letter, say to him that you deeply miss him and that whatever happened in the past, you would like to start again as you love him very much. That you are prepared to listen to him and his feelings, but that you hope at the end that he deep inside misses you too and has a wish to reconnect with you (or something like that).

pigpen

You aren't alone in this.. These are his demons to deal with and if he cannot face a relationship with you there is nothing you can do.

One of my close friends (oldest of 7) left after many years of physical, mental and some sexual abuse and her brother is maybe 18 months/2 years younger and he is the same. He hasn't spoken to her since the day she left.

You cannot change things for them, you cannot change the past and you cannot change your family.. you can only move forward.

You have tried with him and he has rejected you for his own reasons.. let him be.. he may get his head sorted in the future and he may not but you cannot force him to have a relationship with anyone including yourself. Just because YOU feel in a more stable place mentally doesn't mean he does!

When you have a gathering or special event, invite him.. don't ever leave him out.. one day he may just turn up!!!

bagpussbear

You have really been through the mill, what a horrible childhood. You didn't deserve any of that.

But you know, I don't think you should feel guilty for others crimes.

May I ask, who were the abusers? both your mum and stepdad or more family members?

You are thinking you should have done more to help your brother, but really, at 16, you were just a child yourself.

He is going to feel anger at everyone, including you but I think you need to let him know that you love him, and that as a child yourself you were as helpless as him really. His anger is understandable but displaced I think.

[Deleted User]

Thank you for your comments.

Its just so strange. I knew all the information for years. I have always been 'caring'.., and yet I left my brother like that and didn't really think about it.., its only recently occurred to me what I left him to. How can a caring person be like that? Admittedly for years I am afraid I was a suicide looking for a place to happen. I got stronger over some years. I've just split from a second abusive relationship and I know mentally I am healthier than I ever have been. Something about this relationship and ending it made something change in my head.., for the better.

But I still don't get how it could never have occurred to me why my brother won't have much to do with me. I've always felt sad about it, but I guess I felt it was because of the judgements made about me in the family. My mum used to moan about me in front of me to everyone (it was all either untrue or changed to make me look like a monster.., I still can't socialise easily, I don't have a single friend, not them its me I don't trust anyone don't know how to 'do' friendship). So I was thought to be pretty dreadful by everyone. Including my brother. But now I see it probably goes a bit deeper than that. I just wish I could give him a quiet hug. But you're right, that or talking to him would help me, and not necessarily him. He has never had any counselling at all, is pretty closed up and I think he's dealing with it in the way he can at the moment.

But no, I can't see myself 'forgiving' what I did. Or forgiving that I didn't add two and two earlier. Caring people are supposed to be able to stop looking up their rears and be empathetic/understanding/supportive etc. Somehow I didn't do this for my brother.

Sorry I'm going on and on, all about 'I' which makes me look totally self obsessed. I'm just a bit shocked I didn't realise years ago what I did. I hear what you have said but even if I couldn't remove him from the situation, I could have tried to talk to him more. Somehow. Whenever I did though (wasn't often), he would laugh at me. I just remembered that. I buried it I guess.

pigpen

The thing which my friend hadn't realised was that she, like you were children when you left (16 is NOT an adult!!) and you didn't have the power or the means to remove younger siblings from the abuse they faced after you left.. in their heads you left them to deal with the fall out, but in reality you saved yourself as soon as you could and you were not responsible for what went on nor could you have prevented it.

Just keep letting him know you are thinking of him and are there in his own time.. just a Christmas card or invites to special events so he knows he is not forgotten.. If he puts the cards in the bin or burns the invitations that is something you have no control over.. but at least you can say you still try.

Gigglepig

OP some possibilities could be


- is that it is easier for your brother to take the stance that you were "difficult" than face up to that your family was abusive, and having to confront the rest of them. You might be stir up memories he would rather forget.

- or he may have a genuinely different version of events to you, think that you had a nice upbringing, and not see what all the fuss is about.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, the reality is that you were pretty powerless at the time and probably had more than enough just keeping yourself going.

Another thing that may help is to some time with 16 year olds and remind yourself you were only a child and yet managed to get through. You see the situation through the eyes of an adult, but you were not an adult at the time. When you see young people, it may be obvious that someone that age should not need to deal with such issues.

meritaten

Deanna - you were a child yourself, you were 'escaping' and couldn't take him - if you had do you not think that your parents wouldn't have had him brought back? and you could have been in serious trouble over it.
there is no WAY you could have looked after him and healed yourself.
this guilt is natural - but its not right! I think you feel you wont be fully healed until you regain a relationship with your brother. News for you hun - you have a relationship - a blood one. You will always be brother and sister. there may be a rift at the moment but, rifts can be healed. contact your brother when there are celebrations going on -invite him! contact him regularly but not so often he feels hounded - every 3 months or so? remember his birthday and at Christmas. and leave the door open for HIM to contact you when he is ready.
and please - keep working at healing yourself! and to me you sound like a lovely person who I would like to know - be kind to yourself.

marisco_2

I don't think I have ever read anything quite so harrowing. To have left home at just 16 years of age, and to have pulled through and gradually rebuilt your life after enduring all you did, is testament to what a strong and resilient person you are. Please do not blame yourself for not taking your brother with you. You were really little more than a child yourself when you felt forced to leave your family home and cope with life by yourself.

All through your childhood you had been brought up to accept that the abuse inflicted on you was normal. As you say there were not the safeguards in place at that time, to protect such vulnerable children and young adults. I hope the counselling you are receiving now will be beneficial for you. Maybe your counsellor can suggest a way of contacting your brother and trying to get through to him all that you wish to express. Don't take his views and comments personally, as painful as they may be. He has been raised to have a very disjointed view of life and other people. How awful that your parents have done this to you both.

Dimey

Deanna, I should think that when you left you had no room in your mind for anything other than saving your life. It seems quite natural that it would have taken many years before you could think of anyone else other than healing yourself.

I wonder whether your brother has the same memory of your lives with your step-father and mother? If the worse abuse was directed at you and your brother coped by switching off then you may find his life was not so bad after you left. Of course equally it might have been. But until you do speak with him you'll never know and you can't torture yourself further by speculating.

Until your brother is ready himself to talk, you'll have to close that box in your mind and continue to gain strength in preparation for the day he might want to talk. I guess you have to give him time. I expect you couldn't have talked till you were ready and you have to give him space to find his own way.

When the time is right I think an initial written letter is the softest way to articulate what you want to say. Even if it takes you a few attempts to get the content just right. It will be a tearful process. Do you know his new address , not via your mother?

I'm very surprised you are in contact with your mother.

I fully understand you having no friends. You need to protect yourself from further hurt. As you've been manipulated so much and your words twisted, you might feel you can't trust anyone not to misinterpret you. So safer to be alone rather than be upset. I hope you have some pets to give you love and comfort and receive love from you.

I expect lot has changed for you over the past few years so you must know that more will change occur over the next few years. I pray the next changes will be positive for you and you enter the time in your life where you get the happiness and contentment you deserve.