Behaviour regression in 5 year old

ValHaller

Erinnire wrote: »

I'm worried my own mental health issues and history of abuse have really messed her up and the cycle is continuing. I never understood why my mum treated me like she did so I used to tell huge lies for attention (supposedly I dont remember much of my childhood) and now I see DD1 acting up in all these ways although differently to me as a kid and I know I said earlier I don't know what i've done wrong but I do. I've messed up my own daughter and I don't know what to do about it...

At least you recognise a pattern and you are motivated to come here and get it sorted. It looks to me like it will be a while to put this right - don't let your feelings about yourself - particularly guilt - get in the way of fixing this.

I would ask how old your daughter is in relation to her class mates. If she is younger or older than most, that may play into some of this.

The other issue is that there is a kind of auction for attention and your daughter seems to be willing to bid very high for some negative attention. You need to change the dynamic so that she can get positive attention more cheaply than negative attention.

hieveryone

You sound as if you are really having a tough time of it, but there are things you can do to make things better.

I work with autistic children and have researched behaviour for years. I believe that most occurrences of behaviour are a choice, and they are positively (or negatively) reinforced by the reactions of others.

You have recognised that perhaps the fact you get so uptight and anxious may subconsciously be 'feeding' this reinforcement of your child's behaviour - that is a good start!

I like to use the 'so what?' analogy. So let's say that she throws a tantrum in the house and throws herself to the floor and is screaming - so what? Leave her to it. If she is not hurting either herself or others, leave it. Remove anything nearby that she coudl use to hurt herself or others as quietly and calmly as you can.
Stay in the same room as her and go about your business. When she does join you/try to speak to you, praise her for making a 'good choice' and then go and do an activity together, or whatever you were going to do.

Some people will say that ignoring 'bad' behaviour simply reinforces that too, however, ignoring bad behaviour coupled with excessive amounts of praise for good behaviour can be hugely motivating for children - and other, more disciplinarian methods do not need to be used.

Strategies I use with children:

- reminding of what the choices are - 'you can come and join me in the activity or you can read a book'.

- remind the child what the 'good choice' is i.e - 'having a tantrum is not a good choice, coming to bake with mummy is a good choice'.

- when baby talking, (I'm assuming she has no speech problems but chooses to talk like this?) - I would simply say 'no thank you', and remove her hands from her mouth with yours. Repeat and repeat if necessary. Remind of the 'good choice' of using her words. When she does speak properly to you, praise and thank her for making a good choice.

- remind the child of other times they made a good choice and the positive outcome it had - 'remember you stopped having a tantrum and we went to the park? You can do it .........' !

- Try your very hardest not to show 'negative' emotion that you are feeling i.e anxiousness, anger etc. She will more than likely try to push ALL buttons, but remaining calm and repeating key phrases will eventually become 'boring' for her.

Hope this helps a little, and if I think of anything else I will add in.

pukkamum

Excellant post above, I agree with it all.
You mentioned being hospitalised, was this after you had her, does she remember you going away for periods of time?
If so she may well be attatching to her friend in order to have a constant, she may fear you going away again and if so she will still have her friend.
Have you talked to her about your hospitalisation, does she think it's going to happen again?
Even if she was young when it happened she may have memories which she needs reassurance about.

Nenen

I am a teacher and, from what you've described so far, I think you are doing a great job trying to support your dd as she struggles to relate to people and make sense of a world that appears confusing to her. I believe that it would be a good idea to have your dd checked to see if she may have Asperger Syndrome or something similar. You can read more about this condition and how to get it diagnosed here:
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx

Erinnire

Thank you all for being so kind. I have been hopsitalised both times after having her once really recently for 9 days.

She has known me to be in hospital at other times and I have been quite poorly for the last year on and off so that has probably been quite unsettling and I've not really thought about how it would affect her.

Thinking about it, sometimes its such a struggle to get through the day that I don't really think of how my illness effects her or DD2 Just realised how selfish that is.

SureStart family worker person has been in to school on a few occasions to spend some time with her and all the feedback from that has been really positive. She seems happy and secure at home although she has commented that I don't play enough or read stories enough which is something I am trying to change.

But all the positive stuff I try at home and out of the home doesn't seem to make any difference. I get frustrated because I could not (maybe can a little more now after these posts) understand why she behaves the way she does.

She is extremely shy and displays real babyish behaviour around adults especially. Even adults she knows and has seen pretty regularly.

At the school disco last week she spent most of the time at my side. She would go up to friends and then come straight back to me arms stretched talking like a baby it took her nearly an hour to actually go off and do a little bit of dancing with a friend and that was only when she cottoned onto to the teachers giving out prizes to the kids that were dancing! and after I got frustrated with her.

I will look at the link provided and thanks for the so what approach I will take that on board.

z.n

IME Mummy going away at odd times for an uncertain amount of time can cause huge stress for a child. That stress can come out in strange ways later on. When I was hospitalised for 3/4 weeks for birth of DD two year old DS was farmed out to friends and family so OH could go to work-he then slept with DS in his bed either at home or family member's home. DS was not allowed in to see me though we tried to speak on the phone. When I came home (initially without DD) he had been looked after well by kind and loving people but within a few weeks I noticed a bald patch on his head. The patch grew so he had a monk type hairstyle. It turned out he was pulling his hair out. I realised he was feeling unsure and made extra effort to give reassurance and divert him onto a cuddly toy. Some months later he stopped-but it took a lot longer than I expected as I suspect the comfort behaviour turned into a habit even when the stress was removed. Even now (age 15) his behaviour is a good barometer of my mental state as he seems very sensitive to any vibes I give out.