Behaviour regression in 5 year old

Erinnire

I've been having these issues with my daughter for a few years now and they don't seem to be improving. She is very babyish in her behaviour, she has a younger sister (3) and displays younger than her.

I was hoping it was something she would grow out of when she started school when seeing how other children behave etc... But if anything it's got worse. I've had meetings with the school on various occasions because she is so over dramatic and disruptive.

Things like if she is 'told off' at school she throws herself onto the floor and screams for long periods of time.

She has an unhealthy obsession with the little girl from next door who is in her class and won't eat at snack or lunch unless she sits next to her. We have issues with this at home as there is no fence in the back garden so we can't seperate them at home.

She talks in baby talk and always has her hands in her mouth.

She refuses to respond to the registers at school and regresses loads if anyone she doesn't know (or does for that matter) speaks to her.

She Also displays the same behaviours at home, at rainbows and at swimming. I was hoping the extra circular activities might help but they don't seem to either.

I'm at my wits end, I've asked the school if they think I need to take her to see someone but they've said they don't think so yet. But I am really concerned. I've asked for help though sure start as I really struggle to deal with her behaviour and they've suggested taking her to our GP which I am going to do next week once she starts summer holidays.

I've tried ignoring the behaviour, praising good behaviour, telling her off, everything. I stick to ignoring and praising for the most part anyway but nothing seems to help.

I had her school report a few days ago and all her learning standards were expected but all the social ones were emerging. She is such a bright girl but this regression is really holding her back and not to mention disrupting other children's learning which makes me feel terrible.

I don't really know what the point of this was but I feel like crying about it today.

susancs

It sounds like she is a bright child who enjoys the attention she receives from the behaviour. Although you are ignoring the behaviour she may well sense your anxiety and upset and maybe at school and in other situations they are not using the same techniques as you so she receives maximum attention using the behaviour she does. In regard to the "baby talk" I would say "I can't understand, what you are saying when you talk like a baby and have your hands in your mouth" and ignore her until she uses her 5 year old words. At home or school have you both monitored the tantrums to see if there are trigger factors? For example is she happily doing something and then told to go to the table for snack and then the behaviour happens? In this example giving a five minute warning using a visual egg timer that we will be clearing up and having snack will probably help. If it is a problem waiting for her turn at an activity again an egg timer may help. Visual aids such as a whole palm up hand and the word "stop" may help. You can give two choices and if she does not choose you choose for her, she will quickly learn to make a choice rather than have one made for her. All settings she attends must use the same agreed behaviour management techniques for it to be effective.

I personally don't think it is a bad thing that she has a prefered friend at her age. This friend is her constant at both home and school and provides her with a sense of security.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Buy a fence or never open the back door (and buy earplugs). It's not fair on the other kid, as she could end up feeling owned and completely controlled by your DD - plenty of smart kids can be very manipulative, even early on, as it gets results. Won't eat without her? Go hungry. Baby talk? Can't understand baby talk. Sorry, come and tell me when you decide to use your big girl voice (get on with something else).

ETA: The staff when DD1 was in KS1 were so worried by the level of control a girl DD had known since baby group tried to exert over her, they changed their entire class policy so classes were split up at Y3. And it was pretty obvious why all these friends had been split up, having seen the girl running after DD shrieking that she wasn't allowed friends other than her, refusing to go to the toilet without her, etc, throughout the year.



There could be some escalation at first - perhaps deliberate wetting. Perhaps pinches, little digs or toy snatching from her sister. But responding in a disinterested way to those, whilst responding positively with warmth and attention for 'normal' behaviour should mean this is shortlived.

pigpen

She sounds like my sister who is 26.. also prone to having throw self on the floor tantrums.. no reason other than attention seeking.

I also cannot understand baby talk... I'd also request your daughter and this other child were separated when possible.. the poor child must feel suffocated!

If you have concerns speak to the school nurse or your GP and see what they think.. school won't say you should seek outside input because it might mean they have to use their budget to provide extra support which most schools don't like doing and so long as they are 'doing ok' academically they aren't really that bothered about the overall picture.

If you get her checked over by someone else and they say all is fine you can move forward in finding something that deters this behaviour, if they say she has an issue you can move forward in finding her any help she needs... either way it puts your mind at rest.

Erinnire

I do those things but it doesn't seem to be improving. Telling her to stop talking like a baby and to use her words or I won't speak to her until she speaks properly etc.. When she kicks off at home I tell her to go to her room until she has calmed down and let her come back at her own speed.

I want to put up a fence but I'm not allowed as its not my boundary and the HA won't put one up for us as its neighbours responsibility supposedly and there's no way she can afford it. I've offered to pay halves on it/pay for it on the down low haha but nothing's happening as of yet...

The kids get on ok but are always bickering over something. I've asked the school to separate her from the little girl at school but they don't seem to have done. Hopefully moving into year one I can ask again.

Not so they can't play together but this dependance is just too much. It's better than it was, at one point she had renamed all of her teddies and toys after the little girl and tried renaming the cat and the car!

She is also very awkward in social situations constantly needs reassurance and is very baby like or acts like a dog?!? and doesn't seem to hear you when you speak to her. I've had her hearing tested but its fine.

I only just found out about the eating thing recently and mentioned to them that letting her go hungry if needs be but they can't do that supposedly. I think she would eat eventually and is causing a fuss because she feels she can at school although they adopt the same approach to her behaviour as I do at home. Ignoring it for the most part until she stops.

I really don't know what I've done wrong. Although I know that attitude isn't going to help her.

She hasn't had the easiest start to life, I suffered with very bad PND and depression and have been hospitalised on a few occasions which has perhaps had more of an effect on her than I've realised.

securityguy

susancs wrote: »

I personally don't think it is a bad thing that she has a prefered friend at her age. This friend is her constant at both home and school and provides her with a sense of security.

The OP didn't say "friend", merely "unhealthy obsession". In which case, the neighbour might well decide that her child has other interests in life than providing "a sense of security" for someone else's child. And might well be well advised to do so.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If you put the fence within your garden, it's nothing to do with your neighbour. Only has to be six inches within, too. I'd ask the HA whether they have considered the possibility of being held legally responsible if something untoward happened to the children due to a visitor to the other property - or because there was no secure garden for them.


If being a baby or a dog gets attention, she'll still be wailing and woofing when she's 30. Keep at it - but don't forget that telling her off and explaining why baby talk is annoying is still attention. A mild 'I can't understand baby talk/woofs, sweetie' and then going back to something else to do is more effective.

Mojisola

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If you put the fence within your garden, it's nothing to do with your neighbour.

It doesn't even have to be a structure. If the neighbour was willing, you could tie some kind of screening material to her fence - something really cheap but not pretty like a strong plastic or something fancier like reed or bamboo screening.

samtoby

My son at 4/5 displayed some behaviours that had me worried but it was time at the same things people have suggested and a great amount of will power. I was so stressed but you kind of manage - I think it took about a year.

I know it might be totally out of turn and I do not mean any offence but does your younger child get a lot more attention - wondering if she thinks she behaves like the younger sibling then she might get more attention.

Just stick at it - it will improve its just time - like everything!!

Pigeongirl

Perhaps she should be assessed for Autism.

Erinnire

samtoby wrote: »

My son at 4/5 displayed some behaviours that had me worried but it was time at the same things people have suggested and a great amount of will power. I was so stressed but you kind of manage - I think it took about a year.

I know it might be totally out of turn and I do not mean any offence but does your younger child get a lot more attention - wondering if she thinks she behaves like the younger sibling then she might get more attention.

Just stick at it - it will improve its just time - like everything!!

No I think that is a fair comment, I think her sister does get more attention being the youngest but not that my 5yr old is rejected just that youngest spends more time at home with me as im not working where as I was when they were both small. DD1 has always been in full time childcare apart from her first year. But it is swings and roundabout as DD2 was in full time childcare from about 7 months until recently.

I find my relationship difficult with DD1 because of the behaviour and if im honest with myself I think I have made it worse maybe by getting so stressed and angry about it early on especially when my own mood has been low.

I have my own issues and part of that is I really struggle to deal with other people's emotions so when she does 'kick off' I get wound up so quickly although I don't express it and take it out on myself she must notice it on some level.

I'm worried my own mental health issues and history of abuse have really messed her up and the cycle is continuing. I never understood why my mum treated me like she did so I used to tell huge lies for attention (supposedly I dont remember much of my childhood) and now I see DD1 acting up in all these ways although differently to me as a kid and I know I said earlier I don't know what i've done wrong but I do. I've messed up my own daughter and I don't know what to do about it...