Help dealing with very angry younger sibling

dizzydonkeys

Hi, hoping you knowledgeable people can help me with this, is quite long but will try and keep it brief!

Basically 15 yrs ago my mother passed away, leaving 4 children, my sister aged 19, brother aged 13 (living with father), myself 16 and then the baby brother age 2.5.

Baby brother went to live with my nan (numerous court battles etc but a whole other story - his father different to ours and not interested)

I assisted nan with his upbringing as much as possible as in days out, having him come stay with me on weekends when I got my own place, money towards annual holiday, school uniforms and just generally some 'pocket money'.

He has always had a temper even as a toddler but was given perhaps more allowences than most and looking back was even probably a bit spoilt (read ALOT). Nan has experiance with kids of all ages/backgrounds as had been a foster carer for 50yrs.

Fast forward to the present day, baby brother is now nearly 18, left school last June, has not got a job (mostly due to no NI number but again another story) Have tried to rectify this but he never sent forms back so still not issued one, he does not really want a job and asks me for money regularly - I cannot afford it, I have given him all I can, I have no family of my own as cannot afford it especially with helping to support him all these years.

A week or so ago he had a real rant at me how awful his life had been and he had no one and wished he was dead, called me all the names under the sun and generally being very hurtful even going as far as saying I killed our mother :-(
I know he is lashing out in anger, nan has been in hospital for the last few months and it is looking like she will be going into a home which is very worrying and I appreciate she is pretty much a mum to him so it is upsetting (as it is for all of us) but I just cannot get through to him that it is not my fault and I have done my best.

He is now refusing to speak to me appart from to shout obscenities at me and tell me to drop dead

Can anyone maybe advise how to handle this? Yes he is now an adult in theory but I don't want him to be on his own to deal with this and do want to help but also need to protect my own feelings in someway which I know sounds selfish.

Thanks

fluffnutter

It doesn't sound selfish, it sounds very sensible. We're not put on this earth to be emotional punchbags for other people, no matter how much we love them. You don't mention your other siblings beyond how old they were when your mum died. What's their relationship like with your brother?

My first thought is that it might be the best thing to simply say that you're not the cause of his problems, that it's unreasonable of him to treat you badly and that you won't see him until he can behave more calmly. Could you do that? There's a line between helping our loved ones and allowing them to be arseholes by putting up with their bad behaviour. You're not responsible for him (although I can understand why you want to help) and in putting up with his screaming obscenities etc. you're giving him the impression that it's OK to treat people like that.

I think you sound a really loving and caring person but I think some of that care and kindness should be directed to yourself.

dizzydonkeys

other siblings have very little to do with him tbh, sister is married with a child of her own, brother getting on with his life and was a fair distance away living with dad and obviously too young to have much to do with his upbringing.
I have tried to explain that we were all left in the same situation and he has been luckier than most but just doesn't get through.
I offered again to help with sorting NI number out and got yelled at for 'going on' at him about a job - I tried explaining that very few youngsters have been able to have a year just doing nothing upon leaving school.
I have refused to answer any further abusive messages i get bar from explaining why I will not be responding further - it's just breaking my heart that he is behaving like this, he has not had a bad upbringing granted things by way of monetry value have not been in abundance but he had food, a roof a holiday every year and games consoles and such like - money has been tight due to not receiving any financial help from his dad nor anything in the way of benefits so nan has had to manage on her pension hence feeling the need to help where I could but apparently this was not good enough.
I worry that he is going to ruin his chances of a decent future and now with nan being in hospital he is even more being left to his own devices which surely is not a good place for a 17 yr old to be.

fluffnutter

He's still very young and vulnerable, more so perhaps because things haven't been straightforward for him in his childhood. The problem is that most support for teens ends at 16, although I still think it's worth seeing if there is any support in your local area for young people looking for jobs, housing, practical help etc. I know there are groups in my area - would he listen if offered help like this?

Your nan's been mum to him and he's probably very frightened. But you've not had it easy either and you can't take the place of your mum, nor your nan. You have to look after yourself else what will your life be like? You've tried to help re. the NI number thing. Time to put that one to bed. You've done the right thing by saying you won't respond to any more unpleasant messages. It's really, really horrible, but it will help in the long run.

Do you have support yourself? A loving relationship? Good friends? Lean on them a little at the moment whilst you're upset about both your brother and your nan too. We all have to support each other.

RAS

Do you know who is doctor is?

I would suggest a call to alert them to the fact that he is still legally a child and has no support on a day to day basis ( I am not suggesting you are not helping him but 17 is young to be living on your own and worried about your mother substitute).

**professor~yaffle**

I think it needs a person outside the family to speak with him and try to help him, as you are too emotionally involved and obviously have your own pain/grief and other everyday problems to deal with. You lost your mum, too, this doesn't seem to enter his head.

Looking at it from his point of view, his mum died when he was 2 and a half, his dad didn't/doesn't want to know him and now his nan is ill and unable to take care of him. He's on his own, pretty much, and it's now up to him what he does, he can man up (he's nearly 18 now) and try and build a life of his own, or he can play on people's sympathies, wallow and feel sorry for himself.

Life didn't deal him a good hand, but he's young enough to make a go of things still, IF he changes his attitude.

dizzydonkeys

Thanks for the kind messages, he is not living alone, my uncle lives there tho is at work full time still and my brother just will not listen to reason from anyone, my poor uncle gets it from all sides he is obviously very worried about his mum and what will happen to the house when she is taken into a home (is hers outright uncle has never moved out but is in his late 50's)
I have suggested counselling or speaking to a doctor - he says there is nothing wrong with him, it is everyone else that is the issue.
I have a partner who is understanding mostly however as an only child does not see that it is my problem really and his answer is just to leave my brother to it and he will realise eventually.
I do not wish to just leave it tho as worry what can happen, I know how it feels as was a similar age when we lost mum all be it very suddenly and I went through a 'sticky' patch shall we say so know the affect this can all have hence feeling the need to be there, I had no support at the time and do not want him to be in this position.
I just do not know how to go about approaching it all *sigh* as for friends, few and far between I am afraid as mostly keep myself to myself, made a point of going to college and working my backside off from day dot so as to ensure I had some kind of stable future - in life in general I do not suffer fools very well so generally keep people at a good arms length away.
He made noises about wanting to come live with me a few years back but it just wasn't feasable I had no suitable accomodation/finances or knowledge to raise a teenager on a daily basis and I know he probably blames me for that too.
I have told him I will always be there and he has always confided in me but this has just gone beyond all realms of reality and reasoning :-(

MakeupAddict_2

dizzydonkeys wrote: »

this has just gone beyond all realms of reality and reasoning :-(

That's the problem - he's beside himself right now, like a toddler in a tantrum.

He's been abandoned twice in his life, by his mum and his dad, and both when he was too young to understand so he's created his own image in his head of what happened. Now he sees that his second mum is abandoning him too, and even though he's older, he still doesn't understand loss.

You say in your first post that he was spoiled a lot, but then later that money was tight. I'm guessing the two together mean that he wasn't showered with everything he wanted, but he got a lot more than his fair share of what there was to go round. Again, at 17 he's old enough to see the things that others have, but not mature enough to appreciate what you all did do for him.

Right now I suspect he feels that the world owes him, which is why he isn't falling over himself to get a job and do it for himself. He's lashing out at you and his uncle just because you're nearest - and maybe because you have always been there for him, deep down he feels safe to do that, believing that you won't abandon him too whatever he does (even to blaming you for your mother's death), whereas others might.

You don't have to tolerate his abuse, but I'd be wary of cutting him off completely. I said at the start that he's like a toddler - I'd treat him like one. Don't give him attention when he's misbehaving. Tell him that you will always be there for him as a civilised adult, but you won't respond when he's abusive. Will he be in the same room as you? if he will, look him in the eye and tell him you know he's scared and hurt, that you love him and care what happens to him, but you won't be treated with abuse and obscenities. Give him a hug and leave him alone to think. He's still very young, but he'll get the message.

MuAx

dizzydonkeys

Thank you, pinning him down is not easy but will give it a whirl (not sure turning up at 8am is a good idea tho which is about the only time guaranteed he is in typical teenager in bed til lunchtime)
Yes he was spoilt, money was tight but he got 'things' at the expense of others in the household.
Granted he didnt have all the designer clothing but x-box, wii, playstation 1,2,3 etc as they came out he got them.
I am sure he is just lashing out at us as he feels safe to do so and I will not be cutting him out of my life but have told him I will not be spoken to in the manner he has been as it is unfair and hurtful and have told him I would rather he didnt speak to me if that was all he would have to say.
He has made no attempt to contact me over the last couple of weeks (probably just out enjoying the weather with his mates) but still worries me.
MakeupAddict - I think you are right in that he feels he is owed something, and I know he is scared hence trying my hardest to be there and listen to his rants but when they get personal it hurts me and upsets me alot. I just wish I could solve it all for him - has certainly put me off having children of my own I know that much I would be rubbish :-(

Maybe I could try and take him out somewhere so we can chat properly but I am a little afraid of him 'kicking' off in public or running off.

Generally he is a well rounded kid clever etc etc it's just all come to a head these last few months and I am struggling physically and mentally to keep up with it all.

Pee

If it's the uncle's home, and the home of a dependant under 18, which is still is, then it should be disregarded by the Local Authority, so some good news for your uncle and brother.

I think that there is a lot of truth in him lashing out at the closest person - with Gran in hospital that's you. That's an honour, but obviously a dubious one.

He may either have looked for a job without success or believe, as I do, from the news that there is little point him looking. (Teenagers don't usually listen to as much radio 4 as I do, though..) Maybe take a back seat with the trying to help him? There is no rush.

BTW, sounds like you would make a very good dad.

dizzydonkeys

that's handy to know re the house thing thanks, will let my uncle know. He was all for applying for jobs back end of last yr but no one would touch him due to no NI number (didnt know he hadnt had one until this point) took so long for forms he obviously decided that was more fun playing out as it were but then gets annoyed as we will not fund his trips.
I am not trying to assist with the job hunt just to sort the NI number as without it he is stuffed and it takes weeks to sort so once he has it the rest is up to him.

Oh and I am female lol but thanks