Partner with head in sand....what do I do?

littletinybill

Hello,

I don't post on here much, but lurk and read a bit.

I am trying to help my partner reclaim bank charges. I have read Martins advice about opening a new current account when overdrawn and worked out how to put sufficient money into my partners account to get him temporarily into credit to do so.

My partner is so unhappy but I feel he has got his head in the sand. He pays out around £500 in credit repayment a month. I took on £4000 of his debt in my name but which he pays, he has asked me to see if I can transfer more of his debt to credit cards I have now cleared (I have plenty of debt of my own that I am working though- there is no doubt we have both majorly stuffed up!), he also asked if he could add 10,000 of his debt to the house when I remortgaged, I didn't want this and it caused some conflict. Was I wrong? The house is in my name (he had recently started a business when we decided to buy), I put the deposit down, but we after that we pay for it equally.

I am the one who makes sure the bills get paid and now I feel like I have to sort this out too. He gets so aggressive when we talk about this and my own frustration with him is chipping away at our relationship. He told me he has sent off the first letter to the bank re: Bank charge reclaim but I know he hasn't. I don't know whether to keep pushing him through or what, leaving him to it is not an option, he is dragging us both down. He did try to sort himself out, he went to the bank to try and consolidate and was offered a loan at 20% :eek:

He has had some kind of realisation about our situation as he has stopped talking about starting any new businesses.

Sorry for the long post, its hard to summarise. He is a good man.

Would you take on your partners debt in your name? Would you have a legal agreement if you did? How would you broach this with them without an almighty row about trust? Any other ideas/advice gratefully received!

belfastgirl23

Just to say this sounds like a really miserable situation. You have done really well in acknowledging your debts and trying to find ways to deal with them. But you can't do this for someone else unfortunately. I think this is a situation where by trying to help him you are somehow making things worse. He needs to come to the realisation in his own time and you will have to stand by and watch it (yes I know how hard this is!).

Your DH wants to have it both ways. He wants you to deal with his debts and yet he resents the efforts you are making to sort out the source of the debts. you won't do either of you any good by agreeing to this, all you'll do is delay his lightbulb moment even longer. You don't want to be in a position of being an enabler. I think you need to have a very calm and clear talk with him where you tell him that you've tried to help him but that it's causing tension and upsetting you so the best way is that he deals with it himself. He has the choice, if he agrees it's necessary then you will help him to sort himself out but if he can't agree there's a problem then you can't help him. If his choice is not to sort things out then you need to make it clear that he cannot approach you to take on debt etc. At the end of the day you can't control his actions, all you can control is your own reactions.

I know this is hard advice to follow. It sounds to me like he's working his way towards some kind of realisation and you should be ready to be there for him when it happens. But in the meantime DO NOT take on any more debt on his behalf.

And lots of luck.

rchddap1

Only read the first bit and alarm bells started ringing. Do not take on someone else's debt. You can be literally joined at the hip, but you still should not do it. Each person's debt is their own to manage.

What happens if you take on his debt and then he decides to go on another spending spree or walks out on you (I know someone to whom this has happened despite our warnings...and she ended up losing her house!).

You may be together but it is not your responsibility to sort out his finances. You can help him budget things yes...great idea. But not to take on his debt, or to put it on the mortgage. Once you have sorted your debts out maybe you could start a holiday fund or take on responsibility for more of the bills leaving him with either something to look forward to or having more money to pay off his debts.

Its a hard thing to say 'no'....but in this case it is the best thing for both of you. Especially him...as it forces him to sort out his financial situation. Give him moral support and financial guidance...but not monetary assistance by taking on his debts.

ktb

Hi littletinybill..

I totally agree with what has been said above... do NOT take on your partner's debt.... He'll need to have is own lightbulb moment before he makes any progress & you transferring his debt onto your cards isn't going to help.

I found with my OH the most effective way to get him to sort his debt out was to rather successfully tackle my own. I talked about this site and debt management loads when I first started dealing with it all... and he just switched off! When I suddenly had stopped 'going on' about it all but had a positive balance in my bank account and was transferring all my debts onto 0% cards etc he suddenly took notice. I'd leave my SOA and sepending diary lying around for him to see etc & it was all there in black and white...

One day he came to me and asked my how he could stop the bank charging him interest on his overdraft... even tho I had explained this 100 times before he hadnt been listening...:rolleyes: but now he is slowly but surely paying it off every month and can see the light at the tunnel... it has made him such a happy positive person I cant tell you!

Obviously all people are different - but it sounds like your fella is quite like mine... doesnt like to be nagged or pushed and perhaps is also a little down in the dumps with it all as he feels a bit like a failure and that there is no way out.

Well done for trying to sort your own debts out.. :T I really hope that your OH gets there too sometime soon - but unfortunately each individual needs to do it on their own terms when they are ready... so just focus on your own journey and be there for him when he wants to jump on the debtfree train too...

poppyscorner

Hi just read your post and I agree with all the other comments and from experience my hubby has an ex wife but when they were married his ex asked him to do this he did it they were happy and seemed solid at the time the marriage later broke down beyond repair and he was left with a £12000 bill that he had to pay and is in fact still paying off 6 yrs later is he bitter about it yes but with himself he cant believe now that he was so stupid to agree to it just be very careful it is always going to be difficult when the person you love asks forhelp and you feel you must refuse but you need to talk to him about it it wont be good for either of you and as someone else said it will delay him facing up to his own problem with debt something which you have already done and should be very proud of doing so

good luck
poppy

Errata

Couple of things ring very, very loud bells for me.
It appears he has a habit of shuffling his debts onto you, or into your name.
He has an anger management problem.
I'm wondering why this is happening.

daphne_descends

You can't force your partner to have his 'lightbulb moment'... which I'm sure is incredibly frustrating. Debts aren't an issue with my OH but it took a while for him to stop pulling faces at my moneysaving ideas after I found this website.

I think honestly all you can do is be patient because there's no doubt it will happen - keep talking to him, show him articles on the site or forum posts etc and it will sink in but you can't make it happen.

Personally yes I would take on my partners debts but only if I was convinced we were on the same wavelength about them - so in your case I wouldn't advise you do this any more because until your parnter realises why he is in all this debt, it probably seems like a quick fix solution - where's the discipline in trying to pay them off. Has he committed to not taking on more debt/no more spending etc? Tackle these things first, then the actual money.

It's a long haul to pay off such large sums and you need to be in it together - equally - not one of you dragging/carrying the other.

Good luck.

pinkshoes

By taking on his debt, you are not helping him. It's just telling him that it's ok to get into debt, because he can palm it off onto someone else!!

I would NEVER take on a partner's debt, and maybe you can suggest that the debt that you've already taken on goes back in his name? you should sort your own debt out first, and well done for doing this.

If you ignore his debt for now, and don't mention it to him, but only deal with your debt, he might pick up on your positive actions and copy you. Maybe if you have any "luxury" items, then sell them to pay the debt (i.e. you don't NEED a 37" tv, a 2nd hand 15" one is fine!!).

good luck!

tosca5

I made a huge mistake of taking on a large sum of debt from my then partner...breaking up wasn't on the cards then!!
Now i'm left with this debt..:mad:

Be very careful, i would strongly urge you to think hard about it and don't take on any more of his debt.

littletinybill

Thanks for the advice - I am popping in and out and mulling over what you have all written. I think I know I am not prepared to take on any more debt in my name without some kind of legal agreement and I can't see me broaching that with him.

Maybe the mistake was with the house - I had a large sum of money given to me by family which I used as the deposit. This created an instant inequality and we did discuss if we should be better off buying something that was meant we were completely equal (ie not using any deposit). We had a row about the mortgage the other night and he referred to it by saying 'I'll get you your money' - its not MY money at all! Its his half of the joint responsibility.

This week he paid in £40 into his account to bring him back under his overdraft because he had been charged, later that day they took the overdraft interest and he was over his overdraft and charged again. This used to happen all the time to me, but now it makes me weep! I want to stick 500 quid in his account just to stop the charges! I can’t bear to see him struggle with it and feel so hopeless. We are moving out in 8 weeks and renting the house out and living v.cheaply in a relations house for the next year so it’s a massive opportunity to really get on top of things.

I don’t know where the anger comes from….but I made a mistake in how much he owed me (seperate to mortgage and bills) last night saying he had to repay me 250 quid and it was actually 170 and he bit my head off straight away. I literally have a physical feeling of going weak inside at moments like this and that worries me because I regard myself as a strong person.

Sorry to ramble and thanks so much for your advice. I feel better just reading your thoughts.

daphne_descends

It just sounds like he is super defensive (I don't want to say 'aggressive' - that's for you to decide). It made me think of my old housemate - I'm not suggesting that this is like you, but she was very controlling of all the bills we had - she left for work so much earlier than me she always got to the post first, for example, so she'd take the electric bill or whatever to work with her, then email me to say what I owed her.

Nothing wrong with that, but it made me a bit defensive because actually I owed Southern Electric X amount, not her - it felt like she was being a bit demanding, and her maths was crap too so whenever she got it wrong it would get my blood boiling a bit. And we were merely friends. But, because we were just friends I was only ever polite and nice to her - had that happened in a relationship, well you have different boundaries and can argue over silly things and have little tantrums - not so much in a friendship, I think.

Does this sounds familiar at all? Do ignore if this post is twaddle, I'm not trying to play junior psychologist or anything, I promise!

But it does sound as though your big deposit is an issue as well, maybe he feels like he should've been able to 'provide' in some way? Do you think it might be a gender thing - I HATE generalising I promise because my OH doesn't fit any stereotypes really so I don't like it when they're imposed - BUT if I suddenly had a big wodge of cash I think some hunter-gatherer nonsense might kick in and he'd probably wonder if I resented him for not being able to come up with a large amount of money - which is silly - but everyone can be silly at times...

Sorry, this got rambly and is mostly nonsense