Picky eater help

gayleygoo

Hi all I'm sure I'm not alone in this so was hoping for some advice or reassurance! My DS, who is 3, is very limited in what he'll eat. Currently he is living on Nutella and toast and yogurts. He likes the usual junk food, pizza, burgers, chips etc, which I don't make very often, and when I do I pick good quality things so it's not the cheapest dinner option. I cook healthy meals from scratch every night, and it's getting very stressful that DS wont eat any of it. No potatoes, rice, pasta, cereal (unless it's sugary, and I don't buy much of it), no fruit or vegetables. He doesn't get much in the way of sweets or crisps unless it's a treat out somewhere.

I've tried reward charts, making funny faces with food, hiding veg in sauces/mince, bribing him - but as soon as he looks at his dinner he just says he doesn't want it, despite him being really hungry (because he usually refuses lunch too). He is endlessly asking for snacks during the day, but I try not to give him any if he didn't even touch a meal, unless it's fruit or yogurt, but it's rare that he'd eat fruit unless strawberries/raspberries/blueberries, and they're too expensive for me to buy more than once a week.

I try not to get stressed about it, or show upset when he doesn't eat, but some days I have been in tears from spending all day with a whinging hungry child who then refuses a tasty dinner, and then up for hours at bedtime asking for dry bread (which he does often get, as he won't go to sleep otherwise and I'm just too exhausted to argue, I give in)

I know he's probably healthy enough, although he is often tired so I'm not so sure. I know too that it's a dilemma most parents face at some point, but I feel I could be doing better for him. As an MSE'er, it pains me to throw out his meals, bowls of cereal etc, every day, and he gets very small portions anyway. Once the current jar of nutella is done, I won't be buying anymore (or jam, for the same reasons) and hopefully he might get a bit more adventurous. I'm not sure what to do after that. Any ideas on how to get him to eat family meals? Or should I just let him eat nutella and jam sandwiches til he's sick of them?!

Kayalana99

Perhaps try 2-3 days of basicly giving him only meals and no snacks whatsoever to see if he gets the hint?

It sounds like your giving into him but i dont blame you as a Mum ofc youd rather give him bread then let him go hungry!!

Only suggesting as once he realises he isn't going to get snacks perhaps dinner etc will be more appeling...

That said it sounds like your doing all you can and Im not sure if I could deny my child bread and jam when hes eaten nothing all day either...so balls in your court if you wish to try that x

stuliet_2

Hiya,
Just wondered whether you eat together as a family at meal times?
I found it really helped my picky eater to see a meal time as a pleasant time around the table socialising. We gave very little focus to the food, so it was almost incidental and just happened to be there whilst we were all having a chat around the table. I made no comment about the food, just put it in front of them and then took it away when mealtime was over (eaten or not), with no comments whatsoever. After a few days they started to eat it (and again, I didn't comment on this either, just brought something tasty out for pudding!) it seemed to work making it low key.

It also sounds like meal time is becoming a bit of a big deal in you house, (understandable when you are stressed and worried about food intake and consequences!). Kids easily pick up on our stresses and react, so mealtimes then become doubly stressy!

Well done for trying a variety of strategies (eg reward charts etc), however i think this type of thing can be counter-productive as it means that your LO is gaining a lot of extra attention from not eating. All children seek attention, both positive and negative, so long as he is getting some sort of attention, he has a vested interest in continuing the behaviour, iykwim.

I know it is hard when you are worried (especially when you have spent hours preparing something and they turn their nose up!), but I think it helps to have meal times as calm and pleasant as possible with little focus on the actual food and preferably eating together. This is what worked for me.

HTH

jjj1980

I put my poor mum through sheer he'll for years with my picky eating! I was truly a little sod as if my aunts, neighbours etc made a roast dinner, I would clear my plate. If my mum made it, I would refuse it!

Our gp at the time was a paediatrician, so really understood kids. He told her that part of me refusing at home was possibly that I could feel the tension building at meal times and it was likely making me so tense, that I literally couldn't, rather than wouldn't, eat.

He sat with my mum and listed everything I would eat, then marked them as savoury or sweet. At the time I would happily walk round with slices of cold meat in one hand and bread in another, munching away while reading, watching birds outside etc. However, make it into a sandwich and I wouldn't touch it. It was agreed for a period of two weeks, I would have easy access to brown, dry bread, slices of cold meat, cucumber and carrot sticks. Breakfast was toast with very little butter and/or scrambled egg.

After the two weeks, it was time for me to start helping make myself a meal plan for the week. This meant there would always be the food in that I would eat. I could change my mind on the actual days but each Friday we wrote a menu for each day, eg Monday Sausage and Chips etc. It really helped as I clearly remember feeling more in control of how I felt about food.

My mum has said this worked wonders! I am still quite picky even now in that any meat has to be well done, I split my meat from curries once cooked and don't eat the meat, like to be able to "see" what I'm eating - never eat stews, casseroles etc.

This may sound an odd question but does he mind getting sticky when playing? Could he be wary of getting that way when eating and it's putting him off?

Another experience of this is my friends little boy, he is very much like your son by reading your post. We have taken to meeting up at mealtimes and sitting him next to my daughter, who will eat whatever is put in front of her and this seems to get him interested. I then take over from my friend in keeping an eye on him as understandably I don't have the emotional ties to his eating that she naturally has so he doesn't feel the tension from me. Is there anyone from playgroup/nursery/family that you could try this with?

As stuliet says, taking the focus away from the food and letting it just be a coincidence that it's there is a fantastic way of dealing with it. I completely understand the worry when a child just will not eat, especially when you know they are hungry.

DomRavioli

It sounds a little draconian, but make your child what the rest of the family are eating. If he is hungry they will eat it; you seem to pander to their needs far too much; it seems you might have used food as a tool to placate your child, instead of using it as a means of fuel for them.

It takes a lot of patience, and a good set of earplugs to get them to change their diet, but with time it will come. Don't be disheartened, but don't let a small child push you around; YOU ARE THE PARENT HERE!

Mojisola

jjj1980 wrote: »

It was agreed for a period of two weeks, I would have easy access to brown, dry bread, slices of cold meat, cucumber and carrot sticks. Breakfast was toast with very little butter and/or scrambled egg.

After the two weeks, it was time for me to start helping make myself a meal plan for the week. This meant there would always be the food in that I would eat. I could change my mind on the actual days but each Friday we wrote a menu for each day, eg Monday Sausage and Chips etc. It really helped as I clearly remember feeling more in control of how I felt about food.

Another experience of this is my friends little boy, he is very much like your son by reading your post. We have taken to meeting up at mealtimes and sitting him next to my daughter, who will eat whatever is put in front of her and this seems to get him interested. I then take over from my friend in keeping an eye on him as understandably I don't have the emotional ties to his eating that she naturally has so he doesn't feel the tension from me. Is there anyone from playgroup/nursery/family that you could try this with?

As stuliet says, taking the focus away from the food and letting it just be a coincidence that it's there is a fantastic way of dealing with it. I completely understand the worry when a child just will not eat, especially when you know they are hungry.

Before getting heavy about things, I would try a light touch as suggested above. Sort out what he will eat and put that in front of him. Ignore whether he's eating or not. Don't make a fuss if he doesn't eat. Take the emotion away from it and make the whole thing boring.

Mojisola

DomRavioli wrote: »

Don't be disheartened, but don't let a small child push you around; YOU ARE THE PARENT HERE!

There are lots of different techniques that parents can use to achieve the same ends. It doesn't always have to be a "Parent wins, child loses" scenario.

Make-it-3

What is your priority? That he joins family meals, eats a variety of food or putting a stop to fussiness. As I don't think you can deal with them all at the same time as they require different approaches.

If you want him to join family meals I agree make it fun and not all about the food, do try to include something on the plate you know he will eat. As you say pizza, burgers & chips can all be healthy if cooked from scratch (eg will he eat a vegetable pizza) or chipped shaped vegetables/sweet potatoes?

Lots of small children prefer to snack/graze/eat on the go - they need quick top ups of energy and don't want to be distracted from play. If you are happy with this then try to make the snacks varied and different food groups

Fussiness - firstly check its not just your perception. Make a list of all that he eats over the course of a week. Has he had something from all the food groups fruit, veg, protein, carbs, dairy etc - then his diet probably isn't as bad as you think. If he just wants junk food then don't have it in the house. But a slice of good quality bread and proper butter isn't unhealthy, berries are all in season and reasonably priced right now - make the most of it. Also keep trying and exploring new foods you may hit on some new healthy alternatives.

shortdog

Both of my kids were grazers, who preferred to eat small snacks throughout the day rather than sit down to three meals. My son was never happier than when he was given a lunch box with various bits and pieces in it for him to graze on whenever he felt the urge - I'd pop in rice cakes, toast, some little bits of fruit, ham, yoghurts, etc. The only riule we had was that it had to be eaten at the table, but he could go to the table, have a bite, and then wander away again.
He was still provided with a breakfast, lunch and tea, but each of them were tiny portions of whatever we were all having, he was invited to join us at the table, but there was no pressure to eat.
He loved fruits and veggies chopped up into bite-sized pieces, with something to dip them in - yoghurt, tomato ketchup etc (and, yes, he will still dip fruit into ketchup!). He will happily eat raw veggies, but is still not keen on them cooked, so he's given them raw. Sweetcorn and peas are loads of fun to eat, as are things on kebabs (use straws, and mix and match - peppers, pineapple, apricots, grapes, ham, chicken chunks). Last nights tea gone cold and popped into snack tubs always went down fairly well as well.
Pizzas are much more fun when you've made them yourself - provide him with the dough and toppings, let him watch it cook in the oven, he'll possibly want to try it then. If not, chances are he'll nibble at stuff as he's making it.
Will he eat potato wedges? Then make them yourself - you can make them look like chips if you want. Squashed chips are good (mashed potato) as are round chips (baby potatoes cooked in the oven in a little oil), or big chips (potato rosti style). Superhero slop (mash with carrots, or peas, or beetroot, etc liquidised through it to give it a colour) always goes down well here - pick his favourite character and link it to that (could it be Thomas steam, or Bob the Builder cement, or Peppa Pigs mud?). Use your imagination - mince was a burger until Roly squashed it by mistake, the shop ran out of fish fingers, so we had to get fish arms instead, the chickens haven't laid any nuggets this week, but here's a chicken leg.
Take his food back to basics if needs be - don't give him spaghetti bolognese, give him a bowl of pasta, a bowl of mince, and a bowl of sauce.
The main thing is, as others have said, stop stressing about it. A child will not starve themselves to death - my brother lived for about 2 years on raw carrots dipped in strawberry yoghurt, and nothing else, and he's fine. Decide how you want to feed him, be that with snacks or main meals, and then go with it. You may find, however, that by letting him snack throughout the day, he'll start eating tiny bits at tea time, as he won't be as hungry, and so there's much less pressure.
Eating is one of the few battles a child is guaranteed to win every time, short of force feeding them, so take the battle away from the situation. If you don't care (outwardly) what he's eating, then wheres the fun in fighting about it? It's only worth fighting if there's someone to fight against.

DomRavioli

Mojisola wrote: »

There are lots of different techniques that parents can use to achieve the same ends. It doesn't always have to be a "Parent wins, child loses" scenario.

When did I state that anyone lost? I was speaking of taking control of the situation by hopefully making the OP realise that if it was any other 3 year old, they wouldn't get away with it.

Perhaps when the child attends a social group such as nursery or playgroup, trained workers may help a little; worked wonders with my niece who now eats anything and everything.

AlSelley

the pasta, rice, potatoes is really not a worry. have you thought about making milkshakes with supplements in them? then you can basically let him do what he wants. Picky eating is a very common thing at his age and it will pass