The Secret Dreamworld of a (Scottish) Shopaholic

scottishspendaholic

Hello,

This isn't my first diary on here, I had a debt busting diary way back in 2006 when I was on the forum a lot. I did really well, but then my circumstances totally changed, and my financial debt busting brain got totally left behind. In 2007, I had child no. 1; in 2009, I had child no. 2 and in 2011 I got married. I now work part time, pay out £££ in childcare and my priorities are very different to what they were!

I have detailed my debts in my signature, but at the moment, they stand at:-
Overdraft £500
Next £1,300 (approx until statement comes out on 19th)
MBNA c/c £2,000
Tesco c/c £3,000

This is where it gets complicated. My husband does not know about the above debt. We have been here before many times. A couple of years ago, he (to my absolute shame) took on all our joint debt on and it is now part of a government debt repayment 0% interest scheme (c. £33k) over 10 years (8 years to go). We pay this monthly from our joint income, but it is in his name, due to my job. I CANNOT tell him about the above as he'd leave me, I know he would and our children don't deserve that. Please don't reply if you disapprove of me and my situation, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself - but I do need somewhere to talk to myself and chart my progress without nastiness or judgement, so here looks good. I absolutely know I'm a terrible person, but I am trying very hard to change & put things right.

One of the things I struggle most with, is the fact that I have next to nothing to show for the £££, both the joint debt and my own debt. I do have some real weak points:-

1. I am a charity shop addict (they are not as cheap as they used to be) and often think nothing of spending £££ in charity shops & sales, it doesn't feel like real money as I've got more for my cash?
2. Like a lot of parents, I am obsessed with buying clothes for my children. But I am super obsessed. My children are now 5 and 4 and I have clothes (mostly charity shop & sales, but still) going up to age 13 in bags packed away and their wardrobes are bursting with clothes, some if which will never be worn as they've simply got too much or I need to buy items (tights/shoes/long sleeved tops) to match what I have & can't afford to!!
3. I have issues with food, overeating and binging, and I genuinely think a lot of the money has gone on this.
4. I buy a lot of things for the life I want rather than the life I have, I have bin bags full of thin clothes for when I finally get thin (more on this later).
5. I want my children to have swimming lessons, big birthday parties, do fun things in the holidays. Most of this is covered by the Child Benefit (separate to above, planned and spent with my husband), but not all & the defecit is covered by me as I can't seem to understand we can't afford everything!!! It doesn't help that we live in a picture postcard lovely village with a small rural school, most of the school parents and our 'peers' are 10+ years older (in one case 18 years older!) than us with high-flying jobs, I can't help wanting to keep up with the Jones', and I hate that we are always the poor ones or they are "skint too" 'cos, of course, being poor is relative.

My plan of action!

* My 'personal spends' income each month is £400. This is supposedly for petrol including commuting, clothes, socialising - but for me, petrol & debt repayment (without my husband noticing too much I have £0).
* My minimum payments total around £280, petrol around £120 and I have £0 left (will come back to this).
* Each month I already make cash via Quidco, mystery shopping, eBay etc. I plan to make continue and better this to make £150 target per month
*£75 of this will go to my debts, starting with:
- £50 per month to £500 overdraft (cleared in 10 months) and
- £25 per month to Next (together with minimum payments and with no spending, this will also be clear in 10 months)
*£75 of this will go towards personal spends (birthdays, skincare, haircut, odd social thing etc)
* As from next June if I keep up the make £75 per month overpayment to debts plan, I'll have £355 per month (£280 plus £75) to service the c/c debt only (inc. minimum payments) and will hopefully pay off both cards in under 2 years, making me not debt free (see above joint debts) but having this awful situation gone by end June 2016.

My c/cards are on silly interest rates so the amount I'm paying off each month while once treating on Next & the overdraft is minuscule. I can't get a 0% balance transfer.

I will continue with plans & a bit more about me on my next post. Hoping to post daily.

scottishspendaholic

I feel I should say here how I've racked up this debt in what looks like 2 years (since husband went into debt scheme). The truth is that I haven't, I just couldn't tell him when we were setting up the debt scheme as I'd promised so faithfully I wouldn't get into any more 'secret' debt without telling him again, and he was so angry at what I did admit to (which went into his name & into scheme).

I cannot wait for this double life to be over. My heart beats double time when the postman comes (most things are online, but I do get the odd letter), I sneak around shredding anything paper I do get and have a 'bag of secrets', which includes a planning notebook & spending diary, that comes everywhere with me.

I feel like such a fraud when my husband says he loves me. I'm such a loser.

scottishspendaholic

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scottishspendaholic

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marmiterulesok

Hi,

It's not easy keeping things like this hidden.I hope that your plan works out.

Just a few ideas:
-doing a Statement of Affairs to see exactly where your money is going
-a spending diary,writing down every penny spent (for a month or two).It can be a real eye-opener.
-cutting up your credit cards if you still use them?
-have you thought about doing the NSD (no spend day) challenge,to be found on the DFW board?It's quite addictive and can really help resist impulse shopping.I used to be quite a shopaholic myself,but this challenge has really helped.
-as for the overeating/bingeing is this something that is hidden too?I can empathise with you.Do you have any idea why you do this?
-selling the clothes your children won't wear (you say there's lots),going through your own clothes (including the 'thin' clothes) and selling some of these
-having a budget for any spends in the charity shops ie £10 a month.,so that you can still spend there,within limits.

One thing that really helped me to change my spending habits,as I used to go into town on days off with the express intention of spending on anything,was to simply stop window shopping and just shop with a shopping list.It's amazing how much less tempted you are,if you're not gazing at all these lovely things.Even now,if I'm walking through town and something catches my eye,I hear myself saying 'Keep walking,keep walking,don't stop and look.'.It really works,you know.

I also realised that I don't actually need a lot of things.I already own just about everything that I need.

Anyway,enough from me.I hope some of this might help you.Good luck and keep posting.

Buffythedebtslayer

Although I don't have a husband and kids a lot of what you say about shopping rings true with me. I have SO much stuff it is ridiculous and embarrassing and really if I am brutally honest part of the reason why I don't own my own house or drive a newer car etc. it is ridiculous that I had such a well paid job and have so little to show for it!

Yesterday I had a particularly rubbish day and so spent about 80 quid on clothes - convincing myself I was saving cos I was buying on E bay brand names I could never "afford" in real life.

So yeah, I understand where you are coming from. Keeping it a secret must be very difficult. I am starting myself a little challenge today and a new diary so will be around more than normal and hopefully we can support each other - as you know this is a great place!

xx

please-let-me-be-lucky

Hi, I shall subscribe and cheer you on from the sidelines :j

I know what you mean about wanting the kids to have the best of everything, as truly this is where most of my money goes too. However, I find that kids only care about having fun, not clothes etc (especially at the ages yours are), so please don't beat yourself up over it. We are lucky enough to have gorgeous weather right now, so plenty of free fun to be had in the garden, parks, beach and nature walks etc. Personally, we have a National Trust membership, English Heritage membership (courtesy of Tesc0 clubcard deals) and an annual pass to a farm activity centre (£20 Gr0up0n) and that is the basis of our 6 week summer holiday. All other days out will be free, or at least reduced cost with vouchers etc. It just takes a bit of planning and a packed lunch!

Totally agree with what marmite says above, particularly about selling some clothes etc. It's free listing today on eb@y so you can get stuff listed on there, or try a cash for clothes place (you don't get as much but it's instant cash). Even if you just use the money to buy them some key pieces to make the rest of what they have more wearable it will be a start, but putting it towards debt would be even better.

Food is one of my passions too, so I use that to my advantage. Do a store cupboard/freezer inventory and set yourself a challenge to use what is there. Bake with the kids instead of buying ready made at the shop, and batch cook and freeze meals. You will start to feel like you control the food, not the other way round.

Good luck Xx

skint_spice

scottishspendaholic wrote: »

5. I want my children to have swimming lessons, big birthday parties, do fun things in the holidays. Most of this is covered by the Child Benefit (separate to above, planned and spent with my husband), but not all & the defecit is covered by me as I can't seem to understand we can't afford everything!!! It doesn't help that we live in a picture postcard lovely village with a small rural school, most of the school parents and our 'peers' are 10+ years older (in one case 18 years older!) than us with high-flying jobs, I can't help wanting to keep up with the Jones', and I hate that we are always the poor ones or they are "skint too" 'cos, of course, being poor is relative.

Don't feel you need to keep up, I remember being jealous of a couple of DS's friends parents when he started school - perfect house, perfect marriage and both very glam - but getting to know them they were in debt up to their eyeballs and then split up so someone else's life may have cracks you can't see. Most folk are trying to save a bit of money these days so don't feel you are alone in this.

I started here with lots of debts and lots of stuff but you can get just as obsessed with paying a wee bit off the debt each day. Good luck to you, we'll all be cheering for you.

suburbanwifey

*I have subscribed* wow! what a story, it must be so hard and I can see why you feel bad having landed your hubby with 33K debt to pay and then ran up another 7K, just *wow* He does love you a great deal me thinks and that is something to be very thankful for in your situation. But all is not lost! today can be the start of the rest of your life! and if you make changes you can put this all right, you can pay off that 7K and he need never know and you can all go on to have a brighter future as a family. I'm posting as well as subscribing as I have a bit of good advice (I think!) for you that may help if you take up the idea. I'll now explain where my idea comes from as I am not in debt but my idea will help you as you are in debt I think .... there is a back story! haha

Last week (Monday) I was rushed into hospital with extreme stomach pains, serious pain which I thought was my appendix about to burst. Hubby was at work and so I rushed to a neighbours asking them to take me to A&E as a matter of urgency. Julie kindly got us both in the car and took me to the nearest hospital A&E. Whilst being rushed through as an emergency I phoned hubby at work on my mobile and told him what happened. He said he'd be right there! He works a short 15 mins drive away from the hospital I was taken to. However there is another hospital 17 miles away from our English home with an A&E unit - 27 miles away from his work. He does not drive (never learnt, never wanted to) but cycles everywhere, but got a guy from his work to take him to the hospital and he dropped him off and he went back. 1 hour later I phoned my hubby (whilst waiting for an ultrasound scan of appendix etc.) to ask where the h*ll was he! I had phoned an hour ago etc. It turned out he was at the WRONG (!!!!!) hospital 17 miles (from home) in the opposite direction, a cool 27 miles from where I was! :eek: Duh!

There was no one could go get him, Julie couldn't leave me, the lads at work has done there bit taking him there and guess what? he has NO money on him, not a penny. Why? because he cycles to work every night (works nights) and just so if ever he was mugged or anything they wouldn't get any credit cards etc. But in this situation, he was stranded 17 miles from home and 27 miles from the hospital I was in. It was 27 degrees heat, he has no money, no water and was in his work uniform, which is hot to say the least in those temperatures and he did not have walking boots on, he had steel toe capped boots on. Final result? I was alone with a neighbour going through everything at one hospital, whilst he has to WALK in 27 degree heat, without a drink, back home a horrendous 17 MILES. It took him 4 hours! We both arrived back home at 5pm. What a day I can tell you, he is 51 years old and he walked 17 miles in ludicrous heat as he has NO money on him and had no other way to get home :eek:

I had a serious talk with him about the fact he takes NO money to work, so when in this situation, this happened. He still said he felt happier not carrying money incase he was ever mugged on his bike! I came up with a solution - a pre-paid credit card with an emergency amount of 50 pounds on etc. I then ordered him one. Now my hubby has a 5* credit rating like me and he kinda scoffed at the idea of a pre-paid card as he could see no need for it as he has a credit card etc. I said but listen, if you did get mugged, all they can get is a 50 pound max pre-paid card and if you need emergency money to get home (rather than a 17 miles walk!) then you have 50 pounds on you! Problem solved :T

I read your entire thread (still quite short when I found it this morning) and my horrible situation last week made me think of this solution for you! Cut up those normal credit cards pronto, you can't be trusted with them, its hard for you to control your spending. They need paying off! not adding too etc. BUT, as a girl, a wifey and a mummy, you need money for girlie things, treats for the kids and a way to buy secret pressies for hubby etc. but with a BUDGET (ie: what you can AFFORD, not what you are running up in debts which are crippling you, your hubby and your marriage) Get yourself a pre-paid card, add to it every month exactly the amount you are allowing yourself to spend on clothes, perfume, make-up, whatever etc and ONLY spend on that card, when it runs out of money, you CANNOT spend any more until you add your monthly allowance again etc. It would work and it would help you (no, FORCE you) to stick to not over spending

Good Luck! that hubby of yours sounds a treasure, I'd pay that debt off if I was you and not run any more up, a man like that you shouldn't lose xx

PS. I have no doubt whatsoever he wouldn't leave you if he found out but he would be so hurt and would probably never be able to trust you again x

Forgot to add link to card I got for hubby and loaded 50 pounds onto:

http://www.mycashplus.co.uk/

ElphabaThropp

Oh goodness so much of your post resonates exactly with me.

I think nearly every excess purchase relates to trying to buy a perfect life. Clothes for when I lose weight, the endless quest for the perfect lipstick, everything meant to buy into an image which has sod all to do with who I am and just ends up dragging me down.

Food is an issue for me as what I eat is very much driven by emotion. I've drawn up a meal plan for this week and am going to stick with it. I'm keeping it realistic, I've got to eat the set meals but for this week I'm not going to beat myself up on what I eat in between so if I have 4 bags of crisps or a pack of biscuits so be it. Take it one battle at a time. I'm also going to drink a full bottle of water through the day and eat a good breakfast as I find that when I do this it reduces binge eating and poor choices.

I've also decided to get rid of all clutter and only take clothes that fit me when I move house. All half done projects etc are to be finished and binned. These things are all just reminders of things that you haven't done or achieved and it drags you down mentally. I'm already feeling freer as I start to let things go.

I've subscribed and will keep up with your journey. xx

scottishspendaholic

Thank you so much to all of you who have replied, I appreciate your time so much.

I wanted to reply to a few questions/suggestions/points:-

- SOA, I'm not going to do this as its my own 'personal spends' pot that will be repaying my debts, not from the joint pot as it were. If we were to make savings on something we pay for jointly (ditto batch cooking & freezing), my personal spends pot (£400pcm) wouldn't benefit from that IYSWIM, it would be a joint saving. However I am confident we aren't wasting joint money, our bills etc are reasonable (and agreed with DH's Money Advisor) and we do an economical main food shop and I'm careful with using our food wisely.

- I have started a spending diary, great idea, thank you! And I will be attempting lots of NSDs! I like to have cash in my purse, but this just gets frittered, £10 after £10 after £10...I am going to attempt leaving my cash at home (but will still be able to access cash in an emergency, thank you sw!).

- I have cut up the credit cards, oh yes.

- Yes, my overeating is hidden. Not that hard to work out though, when you look at me. I need to address taking control of food again, but will come back to this in a week or two - it is certainly part of my grand plan!

- Great idea re. selling clothes, I'm on it & planning to sell this week via another forum I frequent.

- A budget for charity shop spends is a great idea, leave this with me.

- I definitely agree about the window shopping, I can't pass something I want without buying it, especially if its in a charity shop or sale. I'm better off not shopping for the foreseeable. I will also try to avoid the non grocery aisles at the supermarket.

- My eldest child (nearly 6) is being especially obnoxious just now, after a week of treats, ice creams every day (we've been off work this week) & 2 parties this weekend. I actually prefer my children when I don't try as hard and we're living a simpler life. We are going to the (free) museum tomorrow, and I won't be going near the gift shop.

- I know that big house, new cars is often a smokescreen, but it's so hard when you're always the poor one. I don't want to have the best of everything and am not really a big spender, I just like to spend little & frequently on tat! I just want to be comfortable and for my money to be my own.

I feel I should clarify, that I didn't 'land' my DH with £33k debt, which he took on - the vast majority of this was joint debt (house improvements, major house structural work, silly credit card spending, holidays from years ago etc). I (and he) admitted to other much smaller debts when we were at the stage of going into the debt scheme, however the full extent of my own debt was just too big to admit to, I felt at the time, and would have made the debt scheme unaffordable, silly I know.

Back in a sec with today's progress!