Another Rant. Really Upset

RazWaz

I tried my best to keep this under control but everyone else has waded in and now it's all a huge mess and I've got no idea what to do.

My mother has 3 brothers. The oldest has a son who is 15, I'm 23, and we have pretty similar interests. We have 2 other younger cousins that we don't see very often. My cousins grandma died a few weeks ago (the one we don't share - his mothers mother) and his mother (called X from now on) hasn't taken it very well.

As me and my cousin get on so well, he started spending the occasional night at my flat where we play video games together. We tried playing online, but we are both deaf and communication is a nightmare, so it's much more fun when we are in the same room. After my cousin lost his grandma he said it made him realise how important family is to him, and that he wants to spend as much time with us all as possible. He spends his weekends either with me, or his aunts/uncles and his Nana (the one we share).

Today I got a text from X (almost the whole family is deaf, we don't call) basically telling me that my cousin can't come round this weekend as she wants to spend some family time together, and can I stop inviting him around. I politely agreed to this, and said that if she tells me in advance when she is happy to let him home round I wont invite him outside of that. I figured I'd miss him a bit as he's a good friend, but she's his mother and it's up to her.

She then carried on texting saying that I'm stealing her son away from her and that he is never allowed around again. She also told me that I needed to tell him that he couldn't come this weekend (arranged about 10 days ago), but that I can't mention I'd spoken to her.

I didn't really know how to phrase it so asked my boyfriend some advice on how to let my cousin down gently (been getting messages all week about how excited he is). My boyfriend was furious, went behind my back and told my cousin.

Now I have X texting me all sorts of nasty things, saying I had no right to tell him, blah blah, that I don't know what it's like to lose your child or to lose a parent.

She picked some bad-timing though, I had a miscarriage earlier in the year, that child would have been due this week. Also my mother never told her family about my step-father, he died very suddenly and I never really got over it. I tried not thinking about it, knowing it was grief making X say these things, but it did hurt me and I started crying.

My mother was in the room, saw me crying at my phone, grabbed it off and read the messages, stormed off and called her brother (X's husband). Now everyone is screaming and shouting and sending nasty messages and I never wanted any of this to happen. All I wanted was to spend some time with my cousin and now I'm never allowed to see him again, I've lost one of my best friends, my family is split down the middle, and I can't stop thinking about my baby and step-dad.

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I know I just need to wait for it to die down and carry on with my life, but at the moment I'm under treatment for major depression and panic disorder by the Mental Health Crisis team, and it's just another stress that I don't need that is pushing my recovery back yet again.

All I want is a normal life, a normal house, a family and some friends, but every time I start taking steps to make this happen someone comes along and screws it all up again. There are only so many times I can pick myself up.

lemontart

big hug to you, sounds like your Aunt grief is coloring her mood and she is closing the world off outside her brood. I truly hope once a little time has passed she will realise that trying to cut you out serves no good.

Having just got back from the death of an Aunt and seeing more of my cousins in one room than ever before in my 52 years I know exactly how your cousin feels as the sense of family was tremendous.

Things will be raw for all as it appears to be a bad year for you all. I do hope it gets better for you soon xx

marisco_2

At 15 years of age it is up to your cousin to decide who he wishes to spend his free time with. He is not a child any more but a young man, with his own opinions and preferences. His feelings should be taken into account and respected, not overlooked by his mum who thinks she can dictate who he has contact with. The way she has approached all this is devious and manipulative. By expecting you to say you cant see him, she is passing responsibility for her behaviour and actions onto you. A horrible position to put you in.

If your aunt carries on in this way all she will achieve is to damage the relationship she shares with your cousin. Very few young people would tolerate that kind of behaviour for long and he will see through her. It is a pity that whilst she is texting you, saying you don't understand what it is like to lose a child or parent, that she cant think of her son and acknowledge that he has recently lost a grandparent too. If she were less selfish she could appreciate, that maybe his coping mechanism at this time is to relax and enjoy himself in your company.

You come across as a lovely person. Your aunt should value all you are doing to care for and support your cousin, not be reducing you to tears with her nasty comments. I am sending you a huge hug as you are clearly in the middle of a situation that upsets you and causes you much concern and anxiety. This could all be so easily avoided if your aunt would only apply some common sense. Look after yourself and stay well out of all the petty arguments and bickering amongst your other family members. You don't need the stress of all that right now.

Lagoon

I say good on your boyfriend for telling your cousin. X (probably due to her grief) is being incredibly selfish, but what's even worse is her trying to make you out to be the bad one in all this. Count yourself very lucky that people know your side of the story.

Your cousin won't want this. He would no doubt have been happy spending plenty of time with his mum if she'd asked him, but now that he knows how she's gone behind his back that'll be one very strained relationship.

Give it a little time. With everyone knowing the truth, and with X at fault, there's no alternative but for this to die down after everyone's finished being angry for a while.

midnightraven3

even taking her grief into account?
she is still wrong
its fine for her to upset and sad, but this goes above and beyond that, and its not excusable, grief or not
your cousin is a young man who can make up his own mind, and she will loose him as well if this is how she carries on, she isnt "in charge" and she should be glad he has a close friend/cousin

i think your boyfriend did the right thing, but this doesnt need dragging out, she needs explaining to that she simply cannot behave like this and split the family like this

pigpen

I'd tell them all to sod off and grow up and if they can't behave in a civilised manner you don't want them in your life!... Obviously it won't come to that and they will all back off hopefully and give you some head space.

Your cousin has a right to know what his mother is saying.. and if everyone else wants to interfere I'd let them get on with it and stay out of their petty squabbles yourself. If they start nagging at you say you don't want to know/aren't willing to listen etc.. they'll get the message.

paulineb_2

All I can say is, Im sorry you are upset, but grief does make people lose their way for a bit. When my mum lost her mum she was in a terrible state, she was signed off from work for a month, people will say things that they dont mean and wouldnt say under other circumstances

Im sure it will blow over, your cousin is old enough to make up his mind about who he wants to see.

meritaten

please - just calm down and wait this out. I get the feeling this isn't just about YOU. there are prob a few family issues and the situation is the catalyst for some home truths!
let them all squabble around you - but, keep quiet yourself.

RazWaz

meritaten wrote: »

please - just calm down and wait this out. I get the feeling this isn't just about YOU. there are prob a few family issues and the situation is the catalyst for some home truths!
let them all squabble around you - but, keep quiet yourself.

Both my cousin and I have agreed between us to do just this. It's just yet another stress that I just don't need right when I was finally doing so well.

I mostly wrote this just to help me get my head around it all, getting it out helps me move on rather than just sitting around stewing on it.

Thank you all for your kind words.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Deaths can make even the most seemingly normal, perfect family turn into a maelstrom of hysterical backbiting and infantile behaviour. All you have to do is look at the number of posts on here about how things have gone completely tits up and people are fighting over burial spots, cars, flowers, houses, who loved who the most, who was the favourite, who has to be mourner-in-chief, etc, etc. Having speech and hearing or not, people are still the same - some come together, some fall apart and look for somebody to focus their anger and grief upon. In addition, even if they know full well that somebody has undergone similar losses, many people just can't comprehend that anybody could ever feel as bad as they do right now. They're completely focused upon their pain and not anybody else's.



Whilst my initial reaction would be understanding and giving plenty of leeway, within nanoseconds of that sort of arsey text, it would have switched to 'Oh, **** off'. And it would most likely have been hurled across the room in disgust. Then I would have changed my number and texted the cousin with the new one.



But I am stubborn, grumpy and too bloody old to be titting around with squabbling over who owns who and that 'but they're my FAAAAAAAAAAAAMILY and you can't have them' sheeite.

As Meri says, it's probably for the best if you pretty much ignore all of it from now on. Your boyfriend was right to do that, as no amount of grief makes it OK to be like that - and it shows that they really aren't coping, one way or another. So perhaps she can get more support as a result - from people who can ensure she shuts the frack up about ownership rights over a young man, who even if he doesn't do it now, will most likely be back in your life within a few months as he turns 16.

SuzieSue

Your aunt sounds just like my mother and if she is, then I am afraid that she will never see that she is wrong and you might have to accept that you may not see your cousin whilst he is still living with her.

I really hope your aunt has more sense than my mother and that it is just the grief making her act this way.