I am really stuck - Narcissistic mother

Toto

This situation really makes me sad for you and your sister. Your sister appears to be suffering from financial abuse. This includes taking a person's benefits and using the money as your own. It is a safeguarding issue and something you could speak to social services about. This report explains it, although it focuses on the elderly it equally applies to all vulnerable adults.

I genuinely believe people should be encouraged to live the fullest of lives they can possibly achieve. What's really frustrating is that people like your sister are sometimes prevented from having opportunities to live independent because of the parents selfish wishes. This isn't always meant maliciously (although sometimes it is).

As the other's have said, you could contact the Down's society or ask to speak to someone on the duty team of the disabled adults department at social services (if she doesn't have a named social worker). You don't need to tell them everything if you don't wish to but you can say that you have concerns that your sister is becoming depressed and you'd like to discuss what services might be available to her.

dizziblonde

There's nothing wrong in you. It's really hard to start to unpick the threads of your childhood and realise your mother is how she is (my mother again fits everything written about narcissistic mothers to a tee) because you've had an entire lifetime of being painted as some kind of neurotic, and as fodder for your mother's "all about me me me me me" roadshow (my mother thrives on playing the "oh I'm poor little concerned mummy with my neurotic mentally messed up daughter and she makes my life so hard and I love her so much but it just gets thrown back in my face" card a lot... and my crime to cause that sort of drama recently was simply to politely ask her to stop opening my post).

As for managing the situation - that I have no answers to - but don't fall into the trap of thinking you're the one that has the issues - because it's easily done and I've played the role for decades myself.

meritaten

your mother sounds like the 'poor little old victim' narcissist - my own category for the passive narcissist as opposed to the bully tyrant narcissist.
my MIL was this - and the way I dealt with her was to shamelessly manipulate her ego. I had to - she played all her sons off one against the other - but she didn't count on some of us wives sussing her out! she still got up to her tricks - but, once I understood her mindset, me and two of her DILs learned how to play her. the other DIL was a different matter - she was the golden DIL and pretended to adore MIL. lol - it was all so complex and I am not sure I would have the patience now! I prob would just cut off contact as the hassle wasn't worth it!
by appealing to their ego I mean 'flattery' - narcissists adore you praising them - they think so highly of themselves they think everyone else will too. and they will if you can drop hints as to how people (especially those in authority) would think even more highly of them! so if you want them to do something - you just casually mention what you would like them to do - then say how much other people would think of her for doing it. don't worry about overdoing it - you cant!
I used to think OMG surely she realises I am way OTT - but she never did!

top_drawer_2

I've thought so much about everything you have all said and I can't believe I have been so stupid in the past to not see it! No wonder she has so little interest in T - what use is a disabled adult to someone such as her?!

My sister is fantastic at playing up to her ego in one way or another so no wonder she is golden girl.... but she is also very selfish and is doing it all solely for her own good whereas I am have always clashed with her and am known to have "moral fibre" - something I am proud of, but I guess its no use in this situation.

I must admit I'm not particularly good at flattery, it is a common thing at work but I guess I could do to work on it to get some benefits out of it (for T) although I still need to work out how I'm going to do this as we have fallen out so often (quite badly on Thursday) that I'm not sure how its salvageable at the moment.

Toto - Unfortunately I doubt what is occurring would be classed as financial abuse as T lives here / stays in the caravan / uses the car / isn't without "stuff" by any stretch of the imagination - in fact she could be termed spoiled in many ways, Mother tends to buy her "stuff" as opposed to spend any time with her / do stuff for her own good or put in the effort. T enjoys having new clothes / promise of a new laptop etc / DVD's etc as I would guess it fills a hole (here speaks a ex-spendaholic lol).

dizziblonde - Much is beginning to make more sense, contradictory behavior and many things from when I was little.

Thanks Meritaten ) I have some serious amount of work on my hands as this type of behavior is simply not in my repertoire! I honestly don't know where to start.