Don't know what to do

loobylaa

Sorry in advance for the long ramble, you all seem to be a friendly bunch and I guess I need to unload on people that don't know me..
A little background, I get married next month to my long term partner, I have a child with aspergars and adhd, a fair amount of debt, other child is a typical moody teen and I suffer with my weight.
Lots more too but these are main things at moment, I feel like I'm cracking up!! I can't sleep and cry over the slightest thing.dont know if I'm been over sensitive but no one seems to listen when I'm screaming for help. All the above things are driving me mad and I don't know what to do, I have trouble saying no to people so feel like aswel as all my own hassles I have everyone else's too but yet when I need help I can't get it. I feel like just running away from everyone and everything

marisco_2

The build up to your wedding day should be a really happy time for you. Yet there seems to be an awful lot going on in your life that is causing you immense stress and upset. I find it concerning that you feel like you are screaming for help and that no one is listening to you, but instead piling more and more pressure onto you.

If you don't feel able to express exactly how you are feeling, to a long term partner that you are about to marry, I question how good your relationship with him is. I hope that doesn't come across the wrong way. I feel you really need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart chat. Be completely open and honest with him over where you are at, reach agreement to start pulling together as a team and work through your problems. This is a partnership and you shouldn't be feeling so alone and unsupported to the point of wanting to run away from everyone and everything.

ilovelondontown

Honestly if you posted and said, I'm getting married in a month and I'm cracking up that would alone would be understandable !

From your post you don't specify what advice your looking for, so I imagine you just wanted to off-load your feeling of being overwhelmed, also understandable and somewhere like this is the place to do just that!

Just getting married drives people around the bend, I think I had several breakdowns during the wedding planning process it's a huge deal without adding normal life into the mix.

If you can, put all wedding related matters to the back of your mind for a few days and find a way to chill out and switch off from EVERYTHING. If you have the luxury of taking a day to yourself to go for a walk in the park or to sit and watch a film alone take it, if your time only allows 10 mins to yourself grab a glass of wine/chocolate/good book or whatever takes your fancy and have a bath. If you don't like baths, have a quick shower change into some cosy clothes and lie on your bed for a nap for 10 mins just to switch off.


You need to try and break down everything in to little managable chunks, what is it about your debt or child's ADHD that feel unmanageable at the moment? Talk to your fiance or a close friend to get some real life support, don't try to do it all on your own, and mostly when it all gets too much, know that this too shall pass.

Good luck with the big day and enjoy it, it goes so fast!

loobylaa

Thanks for replys not sure how to quote as I normally lurk rather than post so ill do my best to remember what's been said, hubby to be is very supportive and I do off load on him quite alot I think I've got to the point where I don't want to worry him more as he works extremely long hours in a quite dangerous job so I don't want him concentrating on me rather than his safety, we have been together for what seems like forever and I have put the wedding off 3 times already due to financial reasons. I couldn't do it to him again as he's one of life's genuine nice guys and I know it would hurt him so much!! The things that are worrying me with the wedding now is mainly money( or lack of) we have done it as cheap as possible as didn't want any more debt so have been paying things off bit by bit, however the past few months due to everything possible breaking I've not paid anything so find myself now with about £1000 to find to pay people that all need by end of week!!
Problems with son are he is very aggressive when in a meltdown and has hurt me and his brother aswel as frequently destroying the house, it's getting to the point where I dread him coming downstairs in morning as never know what mood he will be in. It makes for a very uncomfy household as we feel we are all treading on eggshells

meritaten

first of all - learn to say NO! no, to the people who are making demands on you that right now you can do without. you have an excellent excuse -'Sorry, I can't as I am up to my eyeballs with the wedding' and stick to it!
Your son is challenging - is he under a psychiatrist? or some other mental health professional? if so ring for an emergency appointment. I assume he is quite young? if he is an adult and goes into meltdown then perhaps the GP could help if he is being violent?
Money - its difficult to raise so much money in a short time - contact people and offer a lower amount with a promise to pay within a reasonable timescale. explain there have been expenses etc but you don't want to have to cancel altogether (tho if there are some you could cancel without financial penalty - than that is worth a thought. such as - do you really need a professional photographer? a friend with a good digital camera can often be good enough.
at least try some of these - you will feel better if you DO something!

nlj1520

It's not going to be a short-term help, but have you contacted the National Autistic Society or the challenging Behaviour Foundation for advice/information on your son's condition? They are both really good, practical and supportive. I have had help from both and really valued their input. I should also point out that I now work for the Challenging Behaviour foundation.
Have you talked to your GP about your feelings? It may be that you are suffering from clinical depression and he/she may be able to treat that.
You poor thing, you sound desperate.......my heart goes out to you and I do hope that things improve soon for you all,

loobylaa

I wish I found it easy to say no!! Unfortunately I find it near on impossible as I feel people will judge me for not helping, reading that back I know it sounds stupid but that's how I feel, with regards to wedding payments I will have to hope and pray that the company's understand, am hoping if I give a small token payment this week then they will wait till next week for the rest, if I was to cancel any of the things now we would lose out a fair bit of money as all have large non refundable deposits on so don't really want to go down that route,wish we'd just stuck to our original plan of registry office on our own and nothing else!! My son is under local child and adolescent mental health team and after us not wanting medication due to side effects we finally agreed, they prescribed him an anti depressant to help with anxiety issues he has which will hopefully help with his anger, the only thing is these take up to 6 weeks to take effect and he only started mon( getting him to take them is a battle in itself) he is 13 but a very tall 13 and towers over me, I tried NAS when he was younger and didn't get much help but am willing to try again now he's older, never heard of the challenging behavior group so will google that now and see if they can help, thanks again for replys

marisco_2

loobylaa wrote: »

I wish I found it easy to say no!! Unfortunately I find it near on impossible as I feel people will judge me for not helping

People are entitled to turn to those closest to them and ask for help, but not to expect it is an automatic given that someone will be able to. Most adults accept that others will do what they can to assist them at a time of need, but that they have their own responsibilities and commitments to meet first and foremost. You cannot be all things, to all people, all of the time and trust me I know that is easier said than done. I learnt that lesson the hard way.

Push yourself too hard and put yourself under too much pressure and you will be good for nothing in no time. Apart from anything else the stress from it will burn you out. Trust that it is completely acceptable to say no when you need to, people will respect your honesty. If they do judge you and make you feel uncomfortable then they are not worthy of your time or attention any way.

vanessav

It is amazing how much energy a child with anxiety and asperger's can generate. It can be overwhelming and incredibly hard work. It sounds like you need more help managing your son. Then I am sure you will find that everything else in your life gets easier. Anti-anxiety medication can help a lot. But CAMHS staff should also be able to visit and offer more help - especially through adolescence. They may be able to offer childrens' CBT, which can make a huge difference to how a child deals with life. There is funding for this in the NHS due to a new-ish NICE Guideline. I think you should ask for the next tier of help. I really hope things settle down for you. Don't be afraid to ask your husband for a bit more input when he is home as he probably doesn't realise how difficult you are finding things. Good luck.

kingfisherblue

Do you have a carer's centre near you? They might be able to help support you, and they will also be able to give you information on any local support groups. The groups can offer a variety of ways to support you, from finding respite care to showing you safe ways to restrain your child when he has a meltdown. Some areas also offer the Triple P course, which has been successful in my area according to parents whose children have challenging behaviour.

meritaten

I do apologise! I totally forgot to add my good wishes for your wedding day! May your day be everything you could wish for and the beginning of a wonderful life together.

Hun, life is a challenge for you right now - but just the act of dealing with the issues does help!

and please do practice the magic word 'No'! there will be occasions when YOU have to put yourself and your family first. and if people judge - then they are just selfish!