Help required for desperate cretin. Mockery permitted.

Slatternfinger

The story begins with a miserable Slatternfinger being taken out for a meal by a pal/colleague to lift her spirits after spectacularly complex ex drama (also a colleague, sadly). As if blithely agreeing to go halfsies then being presented with a 40 quid bill for one shared main and one Borrower-sized dessert wasn't bad enough, Slatternfinger goes down with calamitous food poisoning. She calls her friend the next morning from the lavatory floor to ask if he too has sprayed his sleeping quarters with gallon upon gallon of projectile vom. He hasn't. He feels just fine. They deduce that it must have been the trifle - the only thing she alone ate since, as aforementioned, they shared the main.

The idiocy (you thought the idiocy was my agreeing to go to a swanky eaterie halfway between paydays? Just you wait...) that has left me marooned paddleless up !!!! creek involves my incomprehensible goddamn ridiculous "plan" (term used loosely) to rid the carpet by my bed of the tiny but putrid-smelling patches of vomit-stain left behind. The spray-on carpet cleaner purchased in the immediate aftermath did next to !!!!!! all, so I bought myself a bottle of biological laundry detergent and a good, firm Sainsbury's scrubbing brush. That worked a treat. Stain gone, smell gone (or at the very least, irrevocably masked by overpowering Persil chemical pong... which of the two we may never know).

And then, to my eternal shame, I elected to rinse the detergent from the carpet by - I can hardly believe I am typing this - POURING JUGS OF WATER OVER THE SOAPY PATCH UNTIL THE DETERGENT BUBBLES WERE NO MORE. AND THEN LEFT IT. LEFT IT TO DRY AT ITS OWN LEISURELY UNASSISTED PACE.

Really, I do have a few excuses that a few merciful souls might consider valid... have been on the point of a mental breakdown for a fair old while, am exhausted beyond belief from working every hour that God sends, I am 21 (apparently it is gospel that everybody yet to reach 24 is neurologically wired to behave with a perverse lack of rationale or so I'm told) but I am willing to admit none hold much water, if you'll excuse the expression. In this instance I must hold my hands up and admit that despite two decades of believing the precise opposite, I am, in fact, a moron.

Because needless to say, 4 or 5 days later, accompanied by streaming eyes, Deirdre Barlow cough, periodic difficulty breathing, a sod of a headache and funky smell emanating from a still-very-very-slightly damp carpet, it has occurred to me that I have fashioned myself a mould problem.

This is month number 6 in a rented property that I share with two friends, who not unjustifiably would go apeshit if they knew what was lurking this side of my bedroom door.

To simplify somewhat, clearly my choice is between rectifying this myself and having the carpeting in my room torn up and replaced.

Before I go down the latter route and all the catastrophes it would entail (for one thing I literally have coppers to my name within 2.5 weeks of payday without fail), I just thought I ought really to do my level best to sort it now, myself.

Hit me, folks. Is this dealable with in any way, shape or form?

Thanks in advance. I await your tips, counsel and scornful laughter with much anticipation.

I_have_spoken

It's a bit early to be drinking so heavily!

gjchester

Slatternfinger wrote: »

Hit me, folks. Is this dealable with in any way, shape or form?

Thanks in advance. I await your tips, counsel and scornful laughter with much anticipation.

Call a carpet cleaning company, may cost money but they may be able to save it before you have to replace it.


Remember at some point you will leave that property and probably have to replace (or pay toward replacement costs) the carpet too.

Slatternfinger

I_have_spoken wrote: »

It's a bit early to be drinking so heavily!

Oi! Sober as a judge here, assuming the fumes from the invisible carpet algae don't have any intoxicant qualities.

Slatternfinger

gjchester wrote: »

Call a carpet cleaning company, may cost money but they may be able to save it before you have to replace it.


Remember at some point you will leave that property and probably have to replace (or pay toward replacement costs) the carpet too.

I have approximately 20 quid to my name. However, my destitution aside you do make a valid point so I will have to find a local one and give them a bell at some point this morning.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime along the hair dryer and bicarb line?

The pitiful irony of all this is that I reside about 3 doors down from Carpet Right.

abankerbutnotafatcat

It's hot, clean it again using a very mild/diluted bleach solution (go too diluted if anything at first, you're trying to not destroy the carpet further), rinse it thoroughly, dry it as best as possible using bath towels pressed up against it, and keep all windows/doors open to aid drying - as I said, it's hot so this is on your side.

You may find an anti-mould product that says it is suitable for carpets rather than risk bleach - these products tend to have customer service numbers on the label who you can phone to ask.

Loved your post! Good luck.

cyclonebri1

I_have_spoken wrote: »

It's a bit early to be drinking so heavily!

And a little too late for a doctors appointment today:rotfl::rotfl:

Sorry op, can't wade through that post, way too much artistic licence used;);)

Why didn't you just ask what to clean the carpet with

golfergirl28

OP, I enjoyed your post! But perhaps not the forum for such writing.

DaftyDuck

Next time, just sleep with the guy, if only to "use" his carpet, not yours. Problem solved!

More constructively, any carpet cleaner will clean a carpet (duh!). The main problem is drying the carpet, and removing as much moisture and ... gunk... as you can.

Are you able to lift that area of carpet reasonably easily? If so, carpet cleaner from a pound shop (anywhere; 1001 brand is good, Astonish also, £ shop stuff works, and fits your largesse), a towel or other junk cloth under the carpet, and scrub carpet lightly. Rub as dry as you can, then towel on top as well (make sure it's a pale colour or colourfast) and step heavily all over the area. Remove both top and bottom towel. Repeat using dry towels top and bottom until sorted. Make sure area is now completely dry using a hairdryer set on low heat. DO NOT just scrub the patch... work your way out, fading how vigorous you scrub slightly so's not to leave a patch. Remember, underfelt can store water and ... yuck... as well, so that may need a wipe or dry. You can replace a square of underlay from your nearby Carpet Right; ask for a few samples to try for squidgyness...

Scrubbing too hard will only damage the carpet, using too much water also. Little and often works. I know this - but from having a dearly-loved and poorly moggy, who puked, pee'd and poo'd regularly for the last few months. Much cleaning needed, much practice gained.

Edit: if area flattened after all that, try a small amount of clothes conditioner, minute amount does wonders. Fluff using a brush and hairdryer on low.

Caitlin_Bree

..so you're not great with carpet.

Bet you made your English teacher proud.

cyclonebri1

Are you Bridget Jones brother?? Bert?? (private WSCC joke)

Chuck the diary.