How do you decide whether to leave your partner?

Ophelia_10

Hi all

Am in a fair amount of emotional turmoil at the moment.

I am really struggling whether to 'stay or go' with regard to my relationship (not married or living together, just a difficult long-distance relationship).

I'm curious as to how other people make the decision to leave or stay? There are good things about the relationship and bad things and I really don't know how others make the choice? I know it's easier if the bad outweighs the good or if one is a real nasty piece of work, but what if the good and bad seem to be sort of balanced? Sorry, I hope I am making sense.

Just curious and addressing this to those who have been in a similar position.

Thank you in advance for any replies

Kayalana99

I don't think you can decide by judging someone on good and bad sides... fact is can you accept this person for who they are and make a life with them?

I think its the old saying "If its right you'll just know..." applys.

Errata

You leave when no other option is feasible.

Perfect10_2

Try picturing the two of you together in 10 years time, then in 5 years time, then in 1 years time. If you can't see yourselves happy together then maybe subconsciously you know it's not the right relationship for you.

At the end of the day it is a tough decision but as someone who has recently ended a four year long distance relationship after previously coming out of a ten year marriage I am actually enjoying just being me and having some time deciding what makes me happy

It took me a long time to get the courage to leave both these relationships and you don't need to rush yourself.

Good luck whatever you decide xx

zzzLazyDaisy

You get to a point where the pain outweighs the gain - and everyone's 'tipping point' is different.

But to answer your question - if the good and the bad are about balanced, is that really what you want for yourself long term? A relationship which swings between highs and lows and has about an equal amount of each? Where you feel unsettled and unhappy around half of the time?

In a good relationship, you feel happy, loved, cherished, and emotionally 'held'. Even when you and your OH have your ups and downs, you still know the relationship is secure and solid. That you are there for each other, even if you can't be together as much as you would both like.

Is that the sort of relationship you have? Or have you done so much compromising and adjusting that you have forgotten what a happy loving relationship feels like?

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Dx

DUTR

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Hi all

Am in a fair amount of emotional turmoil at the moment.

I am really struggling whether to 'stay or go' with regard to my relationship (not married or living together, just a difficult long-distance relationship).

I'm curious as to how other people make the decision to leave or stay? There are good things about the relationship and bad things and I really don't know how others make the choice? I know it's easier if the bad outweighs the good or if one is a real nasty piece of work, but what if the good and bad seem to be sort of balanced? Sorry, I hope I am making sense.

Just curious and addressing this to those who have been in a similar position.

Thank you in advance for any replies

As per replies #2 and #3, what you don't do is base your descision on an internet poll :eek:
Everybody is individual, so their reasons/tolerance will vary.

Kayalana99

Errata wrote: »

You leave when no other option is feasible.

I don't agree with this on so many levels. :eek:

Unless the person is complety insane or some other major problem that draws you to breaking point...its possible to stay with them...but that doesn't mean you'd be happy or even love them.

marisco_2

I was in a long distance relationship myself back in my early 20s. I was based in London and he lived in Moscow. Being so far apart from a partner requires there to be a huge level of trust. Good communication is absolutely vital but this in itself can be complicated. If you are expressing views, opinions, wants and needs via text, email etc. then things can be easily misinterpreted. In the early 90s when I was sending letters and faxes to Russia there was the added annoyance of the authorities blacking stuff out that they did not approve of, believe it or not!

Anyhow I digress. It really depends on what the negatives you see in the relationship are. I hope this wont come across the wrong way but how much time have you spent in your partners company and how well do you feel you know them? Do you think that you two are really compatible? Are you on the same page over big important matters in life and do you share similar morals and values? All these things need to be taken into consideration if you are hoping to have a long term future with someone.

Errata

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I don't agree with this on so many levels. :eek:

Unless the person is complety insane or some other major problem that draws you to breaking point...its possible to stay with them...but that doesn't mean you'd be happy or even love them.

Which indicates staying is a feasible option.

welshbookworm

When NOT seeing them is something you look forward to.
When you're looking at the clock and thinking 'Oh good they'll be gone in X, then I can do this.'

zzzLazyDaisy

When you miss them and they occupy your thoughts for the days/weeks/months you are apart.... and it becomes clear that this is not reciprocated in the same way.

When you feel like an optional bolt-on to their 'real life' that is happening elsewhere... without you...