some advice please

double_mummy

hey everyone i have been asked to post on here on behalf of a friend in a bit of a sh***y situation

woman + man have lived together for 10 years have been engaged for one year have 4 children aged 8,6,5,3 and have now split

they have agreed to share the house until the end of september as all the childrens birthdays are in the next 3 months man has moved into the living room

man also has 1 non resident child aged 12 who resides with his current wife (yes he is still married and has been with woman for 10 years) and sees this child around once a month where he does nothing with him and leaves all care of child to the woman

relationship has ended due to mans controlling behavior, having womans name secretly removed from tenancy of their home and generally just being lazy (personally i think it is domestic abuse but she does not see it like that)

woman has been full time carer for kids since the birth of the first one man spends most of his day on the xbox or in bed - he has now suddenly changed his behavior and is trying to push her out of the care of the children

both man and woman are unwilling to leave the home and both are unwilling to leave the children

man has suggested woman leaving the home and taking two of the children but this is not an option as he would be unable to afford the house anyway and splitting the children is not an option for the woman

how can woman stay in the house after september with all 4 of the kids and get man to move out? (if one of them stays with all 4 children they can afford the house they are currently in)

thanks everyone

FBaby

How did it get her name out of the tenancy? That's the first thing she needs to look into. Surely they were not allowed to do that without her consent/signature.

As it is, if indeed she is not on the tenancy any longer, she has no right to be there, so the best would be to take the kids and move. If her name is still there or get reinstated, when the tenancy ends, they will need to come to a decision, but in the end, the landlord might decide she doesn't want either or them, or her alone on the tenancy and she would need to move any way. She can take the kids with her, he can take her to court for residency/shared care.

double_mummy

FBaby wrote: »

How did it get her name out of the tenancy? That's the first thing she needs to look into. Surely they were not allowed to do that without her consent/signature.

according to man when the tennancy cam up for renewal he informed them that she hasd run off and so they wrote a new contract without her for him to sign. apparently this was done a few years ago even though the rent book has remained in joint names and she frequently goes in to pay the rent (10 times out of the past 12)

the problem is if she leaves with the children where can she go? i can have her here for a couple of nights but 9 people in a 3 bed house isnt going to work for long. would she be able to go and get a council house? would it still be near the childrens school?

financial bit (should have included) she has not worked since the relationship started in the first year of relationship she finished college and was pregnant by then - man has serious heart condition including a recent couple of TIAs they receive full benefits man gets esa support HB CTC CB CTB all benefits are in mans name or joint names and all go into his accounts (including the joint account he shares with his wife)

Mojisola

Contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ and take their advice.

thorsoak

Sounds as if he's twigged that child benefit/allowances could give him a good income ..........

Definitely Womens Aid - and ensure that she initiates her own separate accounts from his.

As for removing her name from the tenancy - could she prove (from the electoral roll) that she has always lived there?

She should contact Shelter and the local council and declare that she AND the children have been evicted.

marisco_2

What a shame that such young children are caught up in the middle of this horrible situation. It is going to require careful handling so that their stability and welfare are not overly affected by your friend and her partner splitting up. They need to focus their attention on what is in the best interests of the children now. It is going to be hard enough for them to adjust to not having their parents together. To consider splitting the siblings up is not wise and could be very detrimental to their well being.

They are no longer a couple but I hope they can be adult enough to decide to work together co-operatively, in order to raise their children in a positive, loving and secure environment. It is going to take for them both to be willing to have civil, open and honest communication with each other, for there to be a lot of give and take and a willingness to compromise. I hope they can agree on a way forward that works for all of them.

double_mummy

I am trying to get her to contact womens aid but she sees it as he hasnt hit her then there are people out there who will need their services so much more

she has been on the electoral role at every property they have lived in

i have an appointment with her on tuesday to set up her own bank account

i agree with you marisco and splitting the kids would be the worst outcome for them they are this little team who relies on each other (as she has basically been a sinlge parent with the ammount of effort man has put in) big ones help little ones get dressed for school little ones help big ones chill out a bit and play and not seeing each other every day would be very very damaging for them

marisco_2

double_mummy wrote: »

I am trying to get her to contact womens aid but she sees it as he hasnt hit her then there are people out there who will need their services so much more

The advice you are giving your friend is sound, she would be wise to take it on board and follow through on it. There is a very common misconception that Women's Aid are only there to support families who have experienced physical abuse. This is not the case, there is plenty the experienced trained advisers could do to aid your friend. Another organisation who could offer a wealth of advice and support is the Samaritans. People can phone them, email them or go and see them in person. I hope my advice earlier did not come across as overly simplistic. I don't underestimate the difficult situation your friend finds herself in. I think she is fortunate to have a friend such as yourself who is looking out for her and trying to help.

pigpen

My stepmother got a solicitor to write to my dad telling him to move out on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour giving a set date for him to be out by. She then started legal proceedings to have him removed.. their house was jointly mortgaged with 4 children there. It did take a good few months though.

Abuse comes in many forms not just physical!! Emotional, mental, sexual abuse are all just as valid as being physically assaulted.. in some ways I would rather my xh had hit me.. it would have been a cut and dried 'over' rather than tolerating years of chipping away at confidence and self esteem and bullying which my children and myself were subjected to. She might not feel the need for a place in one of their houses but talking to them and getting advice is not going to deprive anyone else of their help.

FBaby

At the moment, if she is not on the tenancy, she has no rights to the property. She can't stay there as it is, let alone kick him out.

It is sad, but you do wonder indeed if the children are seen as pawns to benefits, as whoever gets the kids will be doing fine financially whilst the other will only get the minimum and see their lifestyle very different.

Kynthia

Is she definitely not on the tenancy? Could she ask the landlord for a copy of the most recent agreement? If she's not on it then I would suggest she needs to find out about housing options. Go to the CAB or speak to the council housing department. Tell them she is split from her partner and has no accommodation in her name and is being asked to leave. She can leave the rental with no regard to when the tenancy ends and no responsibility to pay the rent if she's not named.

She definitely needs to have a separate bank account, remove her funds from the joint one and transfer all her income/benefits to it. The joint account needs freezing or closing as any overdraft on it will be her responsibility too. Same with joint credit cards.