Not sure what advice to give to a friend and I'm worried about her welfare

noodles86

My friend and her husband are in a bit of bother with money, they have just had a baby but his income doesnt cover the bills so they decided she needed to work. She decided to set up a childminding business so she can stay home with the baby but still earn money.

This is where the problems come in! They have some other friend who asked if she would have their son whilst she is still setting up, so some money in her pocket until she is fully registered (no use going over the implications of this, she knows and is feeling it!) Now they cant live without this money but she is really struggling with the child in question and its affecting her mental health. She has said to me her husband is being completely stuck in the sand, he refuses to contemplate moving to somewhere more affordable and just says everyone has to work and no one likes their jobs!? She just says she cant cope with her baby and this child and feels like ending it all some days her marriage, some days her life due to the whole situation. She said she has never felt this stressed out. She said she cant get anti-depressants as the dr has to tell ofsted and this would affect her business?

She has confided in me and I feel a chocolate teapot, what on earth do I say to her or how can I help her? Posting this is really my last resort as I just want to help her but not sure how.

go_cat

Surely her health must come first? It does sound like PND but if she won't accept help from the GP then she may struggle. I thought doctors were bound by confidentiality ??

All you can do really is be e good friend you are and continue to listen but keep encouraging her to go for help

Has she looked at ways of reducing her spending via these boards, old style, debt free etc etc?

Edit :
Just checked on childcare.co.uk and apparently the doctor justs tells ofsted you are fit to look after children it doesn't matter if on ADs as long as you are fit to look after them

See post 7
http://www.childmindinghelp.co.uk/forum/starting-childminding-pre-registration-visits/32706-anti-depressants.html

Gigglepig

I would suggest marriage counselling, so someone impartial can help them discuss their options. Husband may be feeling inadequate and under pressure too, though it does not sound good that he won't consider other options.

Financially, perhaps they would wish to consider
- husband gets better paid job
-downsize, relocate somewhere cheaper or even move in with family for a while, if it is an option
- go on MSE and get help with SO
- wife gets another job, if she can find one that pays enough to cover childcare ++ or if they can get free childcare from famil members, OR maybe she can work part time when husband is home? (Evenings / weekends)
- consider other work from home options than childminding, depending on what her skills are

noodles86

I never thought of PND, i'll have a look into that and great info on the anti-depressants, though not a cure if it could just help her to keep going if that makes sense. She tries so hard to cut back but her husband is very much a keeping-up-with-the-jones type and although I try to talk about it, its like taking a horse to water, you cant make it drink.

I'm always happy for her to talk to me but some days I feel I'm not going to see her again. Gigglepig, other than the family things (they have no family near by) and her husband wouldn't dream of it, I dont think he is one to share his woes. My friend and I went through that sort of list when she first said they needed more money. The only jobs that kept cropping up were care jobs but the hours they were and looking after the baby she would never sleep! Oh and her husband would never commit, saying things like he can gurantee he would be home on time etc.

I may be going off on a different path but the more I write things, I keep going back reading and deleting stuff, I think her husband seems very controlling. That feels horrible writing that.

zzzLazyDaisy

I know you didn't ask for this information, but what she is doing is a criminal offence. The penalties for illegally childminding without registration are a substantial fine, imprisonment or both. Plus anyone with a criminal conviction for illegal childminding would almost certainly be banned from childminding in the future.

FBaby

She needs to seriously consider her relationship and life. She is clearly not fit to be a childminder so should stop this immediately. She needs to lay it as it is with her husband, and if he won't respond, she needs to consider doing it herself. No money is worth putting three lives at risk.

balletshoes

FBaby wrote: »

She needs to seriously consider her relationship and life. She is clearly not fit to be a childminder so should stop this immediately. She needs to lay it as it is with her husband, and if he won't respond, she needs to consider doing it herself. No money is worth putting three lives at risk.

I agree - certainly while she has a young baby, she's clearly not able to take care of other children too in a childminding capacity. Its not working out, full stop. So she needs to stop.

Her health is the most important thing, so encourage her to see her GP and encourage her to tell the GP everything about how she is feeling. She needs help, she needs support.

noodles86

Ok, whilst I don't disagree with you, Im not sure saying that right out to her is going to help right this second, however the child is on holiday very soon, so will take friend out and try and have a good chat with her (I'm thinking with the pressure off for a few weeks, she may listen more to what's the right thing to do)

I just know she'll get defensive about money/husband. I worry I may say something that would make her snap/give up on everything completely.

Lara44

Perhaps you can go over her monthly spends and make a budget to see what is possible, and think about a few different options? Sometimes you need practical help, but just can't face doing it alone. You could make a thread for her on the DFW forum - it is incredibly supportive and people there are well practiced in pointing out savings that can be made in everyday living (even if not in debt).

It sounds like her husband might be an issue - another poster suggested counselling which sounds good. Could you persuade her to go to her GP and get the ball rolling with anti-Ds and counselling? Or just mention to him that you are worried about her at least.

I agree that she should give up the childminding as soon as possible.

Treevo

OP - you're now in a position where you know that a baby is at risk from an illegal childminder. You must report this to the relevant authorities. If you don't, could you live with yourself if this baby was harmed or killed?

Primrose

Is there any chance you could take the husband aside and tell him that whilst you don't want to interfere in any way, you are concerned about your friend's health and mental state without. It might just shock him into providing more support to her if he thinks somebody else has noticed.