Really hating my life at the moment

PoppingCandy

I am in my thirties and have 3 gorgeous children. At the moment I feel so low and really don't like my life very much. I don't know what I can do to change it immediately though, but just wanted to sound off.

Firstly, I am unhappy with how my DH treats me. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage before, which my eldest child is from, and at first things between DH and I were great. We've now been together for nearly 12 years. After having our 8 year old child we decided that I would give up work to be a SAHM. It was a joint decision. But I feel over the years DH's respect for me has got less and less and he does things like leave all the housework and tidying up to me. I am happy to do the bulk of the housework but he literally does nothing other than make a mess and then moans at me when it isn't perfect. I don't want to be a skivvy. It's soul destroying. I try to talk to him about it and he won't listen. In fact, he won't ever listen when I try to talk about anything he doesn't like the sound of. He just ignores me and won't reply at all. He also does or says things to antagonise or upset me, then when I defend myself he says it's me and that I started it. I was thinking for a while recently that perhaps I am an awful person, but it has dawned on me that it's always him that starts things off then makes out I'm mad if I reply in any way.

Secondly, my family are awful. I was emotionally abused as a child, my sister was the favourite and I was the scapegoat, and that still happens now. My sister's children are the favourite grandchildren, and it's very up and down as to when/if my parents want to be nice to me. They have relied upon me not feeling able to answer back and me taking whatever rubbish they throw at me. I remember when I'd just had my eldest child I had PND, PTSD, was being abused by my first husband, and had a borderline eating disorder, my mum came round and instead of being supportive just gave me a torrent abuse about what a horrible person and mother I was. She also always sided with my abusive husband, and sides with anyone who is ever unfair or unkind to me. And she undermines me about my children too and won't let me tell them off in front of her, yet she never said a word when my dad used to shout at me until I wet myself or when he used to hit me.

I also seem to just constantly attract frenemy types that treat me badly. I'm fed up with friends that just want to talk about themselves and have no time to ever listen to me, or who only want to use me. Most recent is a mum at the school who I thought was a friend but who suddenly stopped talking to me and has made loads of other mums stop talking to me too. My mum is friends with this woman too and sided with her and won't have a word said against her. It's like my mum always wants me to be upset and to struggle. She doesn't care about my wellbeing at all. I would always always back my children up and would hate for them to be hurt but my mum seems to like it. I also go on a night out once a month with a group of schoolfriends, and one of them has started bringing a friend who has taken a dislike to me, so I am being pushed out of that group now really, as she is very popular and very loud, and there is no point standing up to her.

I feel so low at the moment. I am having counselling, and I am starting a part time job soon but the way I feel at the moment I just want to sit and cry as I can't bear this to be the way things are.

marisco_2

I am so sorry to hear of all your troubles. You sound very upset and are understandably bewildered by how those closest to you are treating you. From what you have disclosed on here your mum shows signs of having narcissistic tendencies. It must feel awful that the man you loved and trusted, and wanted to start life over with after leaving a previous abusive marriage, can barely find it within him to even be civil to you now. Communication seems to have totally broken down between you two. As difficult as it will be you really need to have a frank and open discussion with him about where things are at in your relationship. I very much hope that he loves you enough to want to talk things through and attempt to resolve problems with you.

It appears that you are becoming more and more isolated and this will be doing nothing to improve your sense of well being. Your confidence is being knocked and this is leading you to be worried about the stability of your friendship circle. I suspect that nothing in your life feels stable or secure. This probably causes you an awful lot of anxiety and stress.

It is good that you have sought counselling. I hope this will help you to gain emotional strength, to decide what you want for your future and to work out the best way to proceed. Do you have a close friend who you could confide everything in and lean on for support? Often knowing that there is a trusted person to turn to, can make such a difference to someone going through all that you are. I really hope you will be okay.

scaredy_cat

you don't need toxic people in your life, whether they be family or not.

PoppingCandy

Firstly, thank you both for your replies.

marisco, I feel so frustrated with DH as I keep trying to have a conversation with him but he either ignores me or busies himself doing something whilst I try to talk and then just doesn't reply. Or he'll reply with something really unkind about me and then make out it's my fault for 'starting an argument' when I'm just trying to have a talk/discussion.

You have hit the nail on the head about how I feel; nothing in my life feels very stable at all. I always feel like no one likes me, and always feel left out of things. It feels like everyone else in life is able to get on well and be friends, except me!

sukysue

I am just being devil's advocate here regarding your oh. Perhaps he finds the role of breadwinner very wearing now and wants you to help out with the finances and resents your not working. I know you have a pt job in the pipeline and this will improve your own self esteem too believe it or not! The other thing is when one is feeling down we start to think and feel of things that may not even be there. We may get a bit paranoid that everyone is against us. I am not saying this to upset you just an observation that I have experienced in my own life. I think you could find the counselling really helpful. I hope you get some peace of mind soon once you start to see things clearly, instead of being a victim you may find inside you a different person. sometimes we let people treat us badly and should stop them in their tracks but we don't because we feel guilty or are afraid it will reinforce what they think abut us. Good luck my dear.Sometimes life isn't fair but try to think of your positives you have 3 beautiful healthy children and your own health, that's a very good starting block in my book.

summerof0763

popping candy, sorry you feel life is so unkind, I know how you feel, I also came from a background similar to you, I was abused by an uncle, my dad who incidently I discovered a few years back is not my biological dad used to beat me if any ofbus kids misbehaved, it was always me who got trouble.

my mum I now no longer speak too, nor my siblings, its like now I know am now not part of the family am on my own.

I suffered a period of severe depression which incidently is rearing its ugly head again grr.
there was a woman annie who pm me but I deleted my messages after I messaged her back and lost her pm, we were going to contact for support.
if you want to pm me I will talk to you can use me as a vent?
take care x

meritaten

I think you have just had an epithany - you have just realised it is NOT you. This will take time to sink in - in the meantime, the Samaritans will listen and support you - and may well help you to find a way out of this.

marisco_2

PoppingCandy wrote: »

I feel so frustrated with DH as I keep trying to have a conversation with him but he either ignores me or busies himself doing something whilst I try to talk and then just doesn't reply. Or he'll reply with something really unkind about me and then make out it's my fault for 'starting an argument' when I'm just trying to have a talk/discussion.

I think the worst kind of loneliness is when you feel completely alone within a relationship. It must be totally demoralising to you to be left feeling unheard when your husband chooses to ignore you, when you try to talk to him and put across your point of view. To treat you that way suggests that he holds you in very little regard. That is not how anyone should behave toward someone they love and value.

When he does respond to you is it ever in any other way, than to be unkind and twist things by accusing you of just trying to start an argument, simply for attempting to have a discussion with him? I really don't know what to suggest to you as a way of moving forward. Any attempts you make to try to address the problems that you have and to work through them are met with dismissal and the equivalent of hitting a brick wall. To my mind love, respect, interest and attention, if it isn't given freely by the person who is meant to be closest to you and who you share your life with, then it isn't worth having. In your position I would be seriously questioning just what I was getting out of this relationship any more.

What you are going through is having such a detrimental effect on you. Knocking your confidence in many areas of your life and leaving you with an ever increasing lack of any feeling of self worth. You do know that you deserve to be treated so much better than this don't you?

PoppingCandy

Thank you again everyone for the lovely supportive replies!

sukysue: he probably does feel that way, but I don't think it's fair even if he does for him to treat me the way he is doing, especially since it was a joint decision for me to be a SAHM and he's been very reluctant for me to go back to work. Plus me being home has meant we have saved a fortune on childcare for our youngest children. I really hope that the counselling does reveal a different, stronger person inside me, because at the moment I don't really like the person that I am, letting everyone walk all over me.

Summer, I'm so sorry to hear your child was equally unpleasant Thank you so much for the offer of a chat, I will probably take you up on that!

meritaten, an epithany is exactly how I have described it to myself too! I have felt so long blaming myself that it is refreshing to feel that it is other people and not me

marisco, you are so right! It's awful feeling that loneliness within a relationship. DH sometimes is nice to me, but I have come to the realisation that it is only when I am playing ball and going along nicely with what he wants. I have been awake a lot of the night feeling ill and when he got up this morning and I said I felt ill he barely spoke to me and went off to work in a huff, and I know this is because he was thinking he might actually have to do some things in the house this evening such as bath our youngest child or put the younger ones to bed. Plus I think sometimes he views me as a domestic appliance and not a person that can have emotions/viewpoints/get ill

I have been wondering in the past few weeks what I'm getting from the relationship. I end up walking on eggshells half the time and not knowing where I stand. DH seems to be of the overall impression that he is more important than me, and that he only has to do things in the house and with his children when it suits him.

marisco_2

I have a question. Would the outside world be shocked and amazed at what goes on behind closed doors in your marriage? In other words does your husband show the capabilities of being able to be compassionate, give empathy and behave with integrity in a pleasant and thoughtful manner towards others? If so then he is making a choice to treat you and his children as he does. Nobody should be reduced to feeling as if they are viewed as an appliance, who does not have the right to have emotions, viewpoints or to expect support when ill. To do that to someone is to act without conscience and to be very cold and callous.

LannieDuck

Good to hear you've got a PT job coming up. I think your self-esteem needs it, and it may help you stand-back and view your marriage with a bit more detachment. When you've been a SAHM for so long, and your life has revolved around the house, it can be very easy to slip into assuming that this is the way it's meant to be. Good for you for questioning whether it needs to be like that. Your husband is treating you terribly. Do you think he'll pick up some of the domestic work when you start your PT job? (I bet I know the answer!) You should be equals.

As for your Mum - I would stay away from her for a bit. It sounds as if all she brings you is grief. Would it be a relief to have a couple of months not going out of your way to see her or talk to her?