Moving on....

ladyelegance77

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zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

OP, Good luck with the move, and with reclaiming your life - you have been in limbo for far too long!

May I also ask if there is a reason you are not divorced? If not, then it may be worth getting that show on the road.

In any case, you do need to consider the situation re the house. With your ex and his gf playing happy families there, they may have less incentive to sell up. If the house is in negative equity that may not matter, but if there is equity tied up in the place, then you need to be considering either dropping the price or him buying you out. Starting divorce proceedings may focus his mind on that.

Either way, assuming the house is jointly owned as joint tenants (the most usual way for married couples) you need to consider severing the joint tenancy and have that noted on the land registry deeds otherwise if anything happens to you, ex automatically gets the house. Following on from that, you also need to make a will if you have not already done so.

Dx

Hiya We haven't filed for divorce as it's quite expensive and we agreed to do it when the house has sold. We have dropped the asking price by 25 grand so it's been a big drop. We also changed estate agents last year too. He can't afford to buy me out and as soon as the house is sold he and his girlfriend are going to move in with his parents till "they find their own place" I know him well enough to know that they won't find their own place and they will probably live there for years and years and years but that's his business. We've had viewers for the house many times, but people keep turning it down as its either too small for them (it's a 3 bedroom semi detached house) or the garden isn't what they wanted.

Thanks to everyone for your support and lovely words! You all have honestly made me feel a bit better about it all I feel less alone now Thank you

ladyelegance77

IHello again! Just to update anyone who's still interested, I moved into the room yesterday morning. Here's the thing.....since I got here I'm glad I did it and I know I've made the right decision but I know it's early days and that and wanted to share this with you all....I feel so out of sorts, weird, emotional, etc.....I'm really totally independent, even though I'm living in a house share!!!! The one thing that I'm struggling to get used to is not having to answer to anyone....I don't have to tell anyone what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm seeing, when I go to work....the landlady who is so lovely said to me 'this is your home, you pay your rent and you do what you want to do. You don't have to tell me what you do or anything, you're your own person.' she knows what kind of relationship I had with my ex....as I've posted about it here too, he totally controlled who I saw, he had to approve my friends, I couldn't do anything or talk to anyone unless he approved, he paid for my phone and took it off me if I upset him or tried to hide things from him so as to not upset him....it goes on....I was married to him for 13 years, since I'd been 21. What I'm wanting to know is....is this normal to feel all these emotions now I've finally got my freedom? I just want to make sure I'm not ungrateful or going crazy....I've been here one day and I went back to work this morning and everyone says I seem happier and more relaxed. Sorry for the long post but I wanted to update you all and see if what I am feeling is okay?

Thanks

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Yes of course it's normal. You are free! Enjoy the heady delights.

Think of it the other way, if you weren't feeling all weird then it means that living like that was the norm. Listen to your friends at work and just relax.

marisco_2

All of your feelings are totally normal. For many years you appear to have been controlled and manipulated. Now you are living your own life, by your own rules and are answerable to no-one but yourself. It is an exhilarating, intoxicating, scary, exciting and wonderful feeling isn't it. Been there myself and trust me it gets better and better as your self-esteem improves and confidence rises. Enjoy it and congratulations on moving into your new home, I hope you continue to be really happy there

zzzLazyDaisy

Completely totally normal! About two years after I split from my ex, I went out for the evening with a friend. Time went on and I was much later going home than I expected. It was about 11pm and dark as we walked back to our cars. I said something like 'It's lovely to be out and not be feeling worried about being told off when I get back'. My friend said to me 'Daisy, you are a grown-up, you can do whatever you like'. She was right, but it had really only just dawned on me. I never looked back.

Enjoy your first days of freedom, take your time, and be kind to yourself.

Hugs

Daisy

ladyelegance77

Thanks everyone Marisco yes I was controlled and manipulated....my entire life was based around making sure he was happy and that I didn't do anything to upset that. He could do whatever he pleased and he did. He constantly compared me to other women saying things like 'you should be more like her, she likes to go shopping all the time, why can't you be like that?' and then we'd argue about how he was sick of having a wife that was so odd and not like other girls. I would then try to make him happy and be what he wanted and then I'd get accused of trying too hard and then he'd claim I wasn't being myself!!! I couldn't win could I?

LazyDaisy I know that will happen for me one day too It's all such a huge change but had to be done.....I couldn't have spent the rest of my life living like that. Another thing as well....I've noticed that since I left the house on Friday morning I haven't had one bit of anxiety. So my friends have been right all along.....it was my ex causing my anxiety....I always thought it was work or stress....even my therapist last year said last year that once I move out I would feel alot better and she was right! Thanks again for your kind words you've made me feel much better

ladyelegance77

Just a quick update to let you all know I've been in my new place for just under 3 weeks now and I'm still adjusting to my new situation. I still haven't had any bit of anxiety since I moved out of the house on the 5th July. So I guess it is true....my situation and my ex caused my anxiety....my therapist last year did say that once I moved I would find I feel alot better and I do. I do finally feel settled in, it took me a week to feel confident to go in the shared kitchen and cook a meal but now I cook nearly every night :P everyone has been so nice and friendly and my landlady is very good, she seemed quite concerned about me settling in, she was aware of my old situation. It's hard being on your own for the first time in your life at 36 years old after growing up in a sheltered and very strict house then getting married at 21 and having a controlling partner. The hardest thing I've had to get used to is having no one to answer to...when you had strict parents and a controlling husband that's the biggest adjustment.....but I'm doing it!!! The first couple weeks I was here I went out every day when I wasn't working, to meet friends and go to town but in the last week, I've been quite happy sitting in my room or the garden either reading or being on the computer. I've started going back to the library, something I'd stopped doing because my partner kept making comments about it. I have to admit the first few nights I was here, I did cry. I assume that's normal? Everyone says I'm so brave for doing this but I don't see it that way...it had to be done so I did it!!!! Thought you'd all like an update anyway hope everyone's having a good day so far

Brighton_belle

Well done lady elegance:T I'm so pleased of you (and yes tears were completely normal)
It does take courage to leap into the unknown rather than stay unhappy but 'safe' and I'm sure your life will blossom over this coming year.
That's a great attitude - "it needed to be done so I did it".

Thanks very much for updating - not only is it so heart warming to read, you will be helping others who are where you were.

ladyelegance77

I'm glad to hear the tears are normal, I thought I was being such a baby, I kept bursting into tears! Well I suppose it's a great attitude that's just how I saw it....and the more I am on my own now I realise how weird my old life was, and how perfect I was expected to be....and how I could never be myself.....

I would like to think I'm helping others, I love helping others, makes me smile and feel good about myself

marisco_2

Thank you for updating us. The difference in you now from when you started this thread just over a month ago is huge. In your first post you spoke of feeling scared, anxious and petrified. Such was the knock on effect to your confidence caused by the situation you were in, that you apologised over and over. Now you are coming across as a happy, self assured woman who is adjusting well to your new life. It takes a lot of courage and strength of character to start all over again by yourself. I am sure this thread will be of much help and an inspiration to other people who find themselves in a similar situation. Well done you :T