Kids (Long)

aileth

Hi, I'm currently going through a really broody period and am wanting to have kids within the next five years (hopefully sooner). I have a couple of problems though.

We have between us maybe 7k worth of debt, which we would hopefully be able to put a big dent in within the five years, but it's a really big worry for me. Even having 1k debt would make me quake with the thought of that and a baby.

I've got it in my head that our house is too small when I know in reality it isn't. It's a really decent sized two bed with a big enclosed garden. The other issue I have that it's not in a good area (it's not bad bad, but it's not great) and I'm absolutely paranoid about the child going to a really rough school. The more decent ones are a drive away and I don't know how big catchment areas are. The kids we live near are also little sh**s and I'm also paranoid about him/her having a bad influence regardless of how well we try and bring the child up.

The house is owned/mortgaged and we have our own car which would be big enough for a baby/pram etc.

Also, how do people afford children? We tend to have a few hundred pounds left a month, and if I'm really honest, we haven't been the smartest with the debt and have definitely been enjoying the child-free life a bit too much, when we could have applied ourselves properly and used this to pay off the card rather than living frivalously with holidays, meals out etc, but I've reached a point where my priorities are coming to a head now.

The problem is I'm self employed so I'll have to work as long as possible (could work from home) and have to get back to work asap after baby is born as I don't think I'm entitled to maternity pay. As much as I'd love to stop work and look after the kids, I don't think it'd be viable unless we really really scrimped as I'm the breadwinner.

My last issue is the biggest one. My husband wants kids, but whenever I've talked to him about it he says that he thinks he'll be a terrible father and is really bloody scared of it. Is this something that goes through all men's minds or is perhaps it not the right time for him?

Any input would be lovely.

fluffnutter

A lot of your situation is very similar to mine, mainly your concerns over house size and the area you live in. But I live in a two bedroom house in a pretty deprived area and neither has stopped me. You don't know what the future holds - by the time your child is old enough for school you might well be living elsewhere. Space isn't that important - especially when they're young. They just need somewhere to sleep, so what if things feel cramped.

Your concerns about money are natural - particularly as you're the breadwinner. Could you husband be the main carer in the day to enable you to work full-time? You work from home - could you manage your time so that you worked when the baby is sleeping? (Not viable at first because you'll be so knackered but when she or he is older it might work).

It's worth clearing that £7K's worth of debt, not necessarily because it's unmanageable but because approaching parenthood with a clean financial state will be psychologically more helpful. Most people are pretty skint when they first have kids, you go out so much less that you inevitably save money this way. Try not to worry too much.

And it's quite reassuring that your husband worries whether he'll be a good parent. All good parents do.

aileth

Thanks for the response. My job is fairly flexible. I work in an office now, but I'd be able to switch to home work when three flights of stairs come too much for me, and would also be able to do that post-birth. The problem is I work 8-9 hours a day flat out, so if I was only getting 2-3 it'd be a really big hit.

I have thought about husband being a stay at home daddy. He isn't awfully keen on his job, but sometimes he does tend to buckle under the pressure of responsibility so I'm not so sure if he'd be up to it. Of course he may totally surprise me! By the time we've got everything sorted, in-laws will have retired so they're a back up of course, but I don't want to have to rely on them all the time.

neverdespairgirl

I agree, I think people who assume they'll be the best Mum / Dad ever are the scary ones.

When I was pregnant, it was something OH and discussed - what if we were really bad at it? But it does work out, and thinking about it ahead of time is a good idea - to make sure you are on roughly the same page when it comes to money spent on the baby / discipline / food / friends / schools etc.

A 2 bed house sounds plenty of room for a couple and a baby, and if you've got a garden as well, great! We lived in a second floor flat with no garden from before our son was born until he was 6, and only moved into our current flat (with tiny, tiny courtyard garden) 18 months ago.

I'm self-employed, and got maternity allowance - which is like Statutory Maternity Pay for the self-employed. It's in the vague region of £120 / week. You'll also get child benefit, unless one of you earns more than £50k or so a year, and quite possibly tax credits, too.

Gigglepig

5 years should be plenty of time to pay down debt, pay down a good chunk of the mortgage, accumulate some savings, and get better paid jobs...

aileth

Statutory maternity pay, would that be something claimed from the government I suppose instead of the employer? Neither of us earn 50k a year so we're fine.

We have yet to have the discussion as I didn't really know what to say when he acted rather scared about it, but we watch our fair share of documentaries and both seem to agree about a lot of things in regard to children. He had a rather ropey childhood, so I'd like to think that he would do his very best not to put ours through that.

fluffnutter

aileth wrote: »

I have thought about husband being a stay at home daddy. He isn't awfully keen on his job, but sometimes he does tend to buckle under the pressure of responsibility so I'm not so sure if he'd be up to it..

Just a thought... does your husband worry that he won't be up to parenting because he has an inkling that's what you think?

Working in an office or whatever is very different to raising your own child. Obviously both require responsibility but the motivation is completely different. He'll want to be responsible for his baby, because being responsible equals keeping that child safe. It feels very different to the burden of responsibility we often feel in the workplace, when we sometimes wonder why we're doing it.

aileth

fluffnutter wrote: »

Just a thought... does your husband worry that he won't be up to parenting because he has an inkling that's what you think?

Working in an office or whatever is very different to raising your own child. Obviously both require responsibility but the motivation is completely different. He'll want to be responsible for his baby, because being responsible equals keeping that child safe. It feels very different to the burden of responsibility we often feel in the workplace, when we sometimes wonder why we're doing it.

I'd like to think no to the first, as whenever we've talked about it I'd like to think I've been enthusiastic. I asked him why he thought that and he couldn't give me a reason.

I suppose it's quite weird for me to talk about responsibility and such as of course we've never had such a responsibility and I can imagine it being one of those things you can never fully grasp until you've had kids!

fluffnutter

aileth wrote: »

Statutory maternity pay, would that be something claimed from the government I suppose instead of the employer? Neither of us earn 50k a year so we're fine.

You'd probably be entitled to statutory maternity allowance. Google it. Once the baby is born and you're both working again, you might be able to claim child tax credits if your combined income is below a certain level (and you fit whatever criteria there are). Again, google it.

It's good that you and your husband seem to be on the same page re. parenting, but you don't need to watch the documentaries. They're a useful way to open up a discussion but you won't learn how to parent from the telly.

You sound like you'd be fine. It's a rare parent who accidentally kills the kid. Most survive pretty intact

aileth

fluffnutter wrote: »

You'd probably be entitled to statutory maternity allowance. Google it. Once the baby is born and you're both working again, you might be able to claim child tax credits if your combined income is below a certain level (and you fit whatever criteria there are). Again, google it.

It's good that you and your husband seem to be on the same page re. parenting, but you don't need to watch the documentaries. They're a useful way to open up a discussion but you won't learn how to parent from the telly.

You sound like you'd be fine. It's a rare parent who accidentally kills the kid. Most survive pretty intact

I have to say it's a really strange feeling. I have this overwhelming urge to have children, but I am absolutely petrified at the same time.

I'll try and have some more meaningful discussion with him and try and get into it deeper. It's just a rather odd thing to broach for me, say dishing up dinner, "So....children..."

fluffnutter

aileth wrote: »

I have to say it's a really strange feeling. I have this overwhelming urge to have children, but I am absolutely petrified at the same time.

I'll try and have some more meaningful discussion with him and try and get into it deeper. It's just a rather odd thing to broach for me, say dishing up dinner, "So....children..."

But that's what you gotta do. Do you go walking? Sometimes important conversations are easier to have when you're walking. Do you talk about kids when you're watching the parenting programmes? That's a really good way in. You never know... he might be waiting for you to say something and be really pleased you did. Men aren't great at initiating this kind of conversation but that doesn't mean they don't welcome it.