Normal feelings?

madison-nyc

Is it normal to feel such a sense of loss at the breakdown of a marriage? Even though it's my choice? I feel horrendous, IBS is on overdrive, I'm really tearful. I've never been though a break-up before, this is vile :0(

fluffnutter

Yes, of course it is. It's like a bereavement, whether it's your choice or not. In fact, what does it say about someone if they can turn their back on their marriage and the person they were supposed to love until the day they died without a second thought?

[Deleted User]

Oh hunni, i'm where you are, although not my choice, but fluffnutter is right, its a loss, bereavement and lifechanging.

It does get easier though, slowly and gradually. I could have written what you put, still i get days where the tears don't stop flowing.

Your not alone, in fact there are couple of threads here at the moment about this.

Have you the practicalities sorted yet or is it still v early days?

Big hugs, be gentle with yourself.

madison-nyc

Deleted_User wrote: »

Oh hunni, i'm where you are, although not my choice, but fluffnutter is right, its a loss, bereavement and lifechanging.

It does get easier though, slowly and gradually. I could have written what you put, still i get days where the tears don't stop flowing.

Your not alone, in fact there are couple of threads here at the moment about this.

Have you the practicalities sorted yet or is it still v early days?

Big hugs, be gentle with yourself.

He left to go to his mom's 10 days ago and yesterday I said it would be best if he rented his own place if he wanted as I felt awful leaving him in limbo and I know his mom drives him crazy! lol

Today we met to talk about money and him opening a separate bank account etc. and it just hit me like a ton of bricks that my marriage has failed, I have failed. Felt so sick. I have two young children too, which just makes the guilt 100 times worse :0( Xx

fluffnutter

It's very common to feel that because your marriage has failed, you have failed. Not true. Having the courage to realise that something isn't working for you, your OH and your kids and trying to do something about that is not a failing, it's a strength.

marisco_2

The pain of splitting up with the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with is like no other. A marriage breakdown brings about a huge sense of loss and you will experience all manner of emotions for a long while. As another poster advised it is similar to grieving after a bereavement. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Many people have benefitted from seeking counselling and talking through their feelings with someone totally impartial and trained to guide them. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this and hope you will be okay in time.

Errata

It's pretty normal, and once you accept that you may find you start to feel a bit easier about it.

Skintski

It's totally normal. A big part of your life is missing and so your routine is going to alter because of that which throws everything up in the air. Once you become more used to the new arrangement and to your own company then you will start to feel better and boy does it feel good when you realise you are comfortable with the situation. Hang in there, it's worth the wait.

mazza111

For me it was the right decision. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief for myself, but a sadness for my children that I knew they were having to grow up in a single parent house instead of having their dad there. I felt selfish for leaving and a whole lot of other feelings.

You will know yourself if it's the right thing to do. Any break up is hard on the emotions, give yourself time to grieve for the relationship, good luck for the future

[Deleted User]

Things that helped me:-

Allowing myself to feel the grieve, hurt and pain and cry when appropriate. I tried not to do that in front of the children all the time, but occassionally showed them that it was ok to feel upset and Daddy leaving or in your case, not living with Daddy anymore.

Talking to friends/family/the samaritans when I felt everyone else had enough of hearing the same things over.

Realising that once each "first" was over, i was ok and still intact.

Focusing on getting through each day and concentrating on the kids needs.

Hanging onto the thought that lots of other people go through this and it will get better. Like with bringing up children, what I am worrying about now, isn't what i'll be worrying about next month.

I know I will feel better eventually.........

I also did a Divorce Recovery course, it was free and i'm about to embark on a refresher. I found it useful to talk in RL to people going through a marriage breakup and good support. I remember at one point it being a highlight of my week, I could offload to like minded people. Im doing it again cos the first group was very small, i'm still moving on and not over things fully and am taking any form of support offered to me. I do this to benefit myself and so I can still be a good mum to the kids.

I read various books from the library, suited me, but not for everyone.


Wish I could take this pain from you, your words "vile" definiately hit the nail on the head.

[Deleted User]

And I've just realised that I never thought I would be the one offering advice on this situation. I've always been the one asking for it.

So that proves, things do get better, i'm healing.

In another year, i'll be stronger and in a better place still.

I wont deny I don't still have feelings for my husband, I miss what we had, what we won't have, how life has changed for us all, how it was never meant to be this way, how I am now part of a statistic that I thought wouldn't happen to me etc.

But I have grown and realised mistakes that I made, mistakes that my husband made and have learnt from them. Useful knowledge should I ever need it.

Even when the pain seems to much, know that eventually you will cope and surface again.

Keep coming here if necessary, i used this forum a lot in my early days and benefitted from the listening ears.