Advice going forward...

burnoutbabe

The only thing it sounds like she died wrong was forget your birthday. But people are busy and she has a kid and it happens.

If you didn't want to buy stuff at the time, why did you? did you give the impression you wanted to buy it? I'd have said about the nappies, sure, i'll sub you until you get home. Unless she truly was broke and told me so.

So let the friendship drop if you are living different lives now, but decide what you want to do about being a godparent, seems a shame to renounce that (assuming you believe in all those vows) due to his mum forgetting a birthday and not being on facebook much (i assume you are telling her via FB about new job/new house and she isn't responding, i can't tell if she is ignoring emails or these are general status updates you have made or if it was that these questions were not asked at the visit - which I also have with mates with young kids, they get distracted and you have to just TELL them what you are doing and let them say "yeah yeah once in a while)

marisco_2

We all know that friendships require give and take. However as things stand between yourself and your friend, you are doing all the giving OP and she is willing to take what she wants and not give anything back. That is not a friendship I would invest any more time or energy on. Walk away and stop being used is my advice.

pukkamum

burnoutbabe wrote: »

The only thing it sounds like she died wrong was forget your birthday. But people are busy and she has a kid and it happens.

If you didn't want to buy stuff at the time, why did you? did you give the impression you wanted to buy it? I'd have said about the nappies, sure, i'll sub you until you get home. Unless she truly was broke and told me so.

So let the friendship drop if you are living different lives now, but decide what you want to do about being a godparent, seems a shame to renounce that (assuming you believe in all those vows) due to his mum forgetting a birthday and not being on facebook much (i assume you are telling her via FB about new job/new house and she isn't responding, i can't tell if she is ignoring emails or these are general status updates you have made or if it was that these questions were not asked at the visit - which I also have with mates with young kids, they get distracted and you have to just TELL them what you are doing and let them say "yeah yeah once in a while)

I agree with the above, until you have kids you cannot imagine how all consuming motherhood can be, I think for the first year of my sons life it was all I could do to remember my own name let alone anything else.
, I lost quite a few childless friends who just couldn't understand why I was no longer available to them in the same way I used to be.
I can understand her reluctance to travel, it really is hard work with a lo especially if you have a routine at home that you worry will collapse if you deviate from it, not to mention the cost involved as you say its £40, that may be a whole weeks shopping for her.

As for paying for stuff if they are on benefits then despite what the daily wail tells you, chances are they are really struggling, perhaps a meal out and a paddling pool are the only treats they would have had for a long time.
Think carefully before you abandon such a long friendship, put yourself in her shoes, properly in her shoes and think how you would feel.

Errata

Visit your godson once a year, remember him when it's Christmas and his birthday, don't buy stuff for your friend if you can't afford it. If you can, and it benefits your godson in some way, then do.

ineed

You're not a terrible person, if anything your a wonderful generous person and it sounds unfortunately like your friend knows this and is taking advantage. I'd try to maintain contact for your godson, perhaps have a chat about this, but ultimately I think if you can't make her understand you're not a cash machine you have to start looking out for you're own well being and drop contact.

pigpen

pops5588 wrote: »

I appreciate the suggestion. I have tried a few times to suggest that she come down here, but she won't even entertain the idea. And I know that even if she did I would still be expected to pay for everything.

I also feel like if she had a friend in her life who didn't say no, and always tried to help her out financially as well as emotionally and she couldn't even be arsed to take 2 minutes out of her day to text me then, why would she bother for a friend who says no to her?

I suppose its a slight case of cowardice on my part, I am reluctant to put myself out there emotionally if I am 99.9% certain she still isn't going to bother...

Because you can say no to a friend and they accept that.. if she flounces because you say no that shows she isn't a friend at all and you are better off without her in your life.

I've got friends I have had for most of my life and I know if I said no to them they'd accept that without issue.

busiscoming2

You aren't terrible OP and it's good you have decided you have had enough.

I agree, it was and probably still is easier for you to visit her, but as previous visits have shown, she is treating you badly. Her accepting you paying for lunch is one thing but nappies? No.

I have a 'friend' whom I have known for almost 42 years and up until about three years ago we got along fine. I always knew she was selfish and a bit needy (I'm not perfect) but it got to the point where enough was enough. Sometimes although we would like things to remain the same, people and lives make it otherwise.

I'd just stick to the odd text or email and cards at key dates. Oh, and don't beat yourself up about it.

Dimey

Yes I'd back pedal. Keep in polite message contact but no visiting or sending money. Some people are users and they won't understand give & take.
You could tell her you are saving your Godson's birthday & Christmas money in an account for him to have when he's older and just send cards - maybe with a token inexpensive gift. That way the situation doesn't disadvantage your relationship with your Godson and he gets a nice sum of money when he - say goes to college.

pops5588

Thank you everyone for all input and suggestions.

I agree, I will definitely make 100% effort to send cards, token gifts, maybe put some money aside if I can ever afford it for the kids etc.

@pukkamum, I am very sorry that you lost so many friends just because they didn't have children. I appreciate that she obviously is experiencing something that I know nothing about, but I have made a very big effort (as I hoped was clear from the OP) to not let the fact that she is a mum and I am not become a divisive issue. I would never walk away from a friendship because they are a parent.
For the record I did also say that I understood about the reluctance to travel.
Her son is coming up to 3 now, so this has been her behaviour for quite a while and I have tried my best. If the messages that I were receiving now were that of "I feel we've grown apart, have I done something to upset you? I want to try, I miss you, I want you to be a part of the kids lives" then of course I would absolutely make that effort. But her coming to me and saying "why did I bother making you a godparent" etc. immediately gets my back up because it comes across that she feels automatically entitled to something from me.
I do not expect her to apologise for her choice of having children so I do not expect to have to do the same just because I have chosen not to have kids yet.

Maybe £40 is her weeks shopping. Maybe being on benefits for them is really tough. But when she had previously bought a big pack of fags for her and her boyfriend and then turns to me and says "oh, I really need these nappies for the baby. I just can't afford it. Oh pops could you help" I do feel slightly conned. But how do I know that those fags weren't her last penny? I maybe could have said no and called her bluff, but then if that's true, her kid doesn't have nappies!

I do want to provide for her kids, but also on an emotional level, not on a level where I am subsidising her behaviour.

It is very difficult, and I feel very sad.

paulineb_2

She sounds like a complete user as far as Im concerned. Its not your responsibility to pay for anything, they manage when you arent around and all the drama must be draining as well, if I were in your shoes Id send presents for the child when required and let the friendship drift otherwise.

Ive been on benefits and really struggling, Id never expect someone else to pay for me, anything, Id rather go without and if there is a situation where the kids arent getting what they need, thats not your role to step in and make things better.

If shes on a low income she'll get child tax credits for each child, plus child benefit for each child, around £140 a week or so plus whatever benefit they are on and yes I know everyones outgoings are different but I would hardly think they are on their uppers.

Cigarettes or nappies, she has choices basically and thats not a pop at people who smoke but if I smoked and I were down to my last 6 quid or so and a child needed nappies, it would be no contest.

Her failure to make wise choices with her money isnt your problem.

And yes, if I had done what you had done for a friend and they had nil interest in my life, I might feel a little sad as well.