Advice going forward...

pops5588

Hi, please bear with me as there is a fairly heft amount of back story to this.

Basically when I was 7 years old I was a new girl at primary school with another girl (I will call her Sarah). We immediately bonded and became friends. When we left primary school, we went to different secondary ones but we lived near each other so still stayed friends. Then both our mothers ended up going through very acrimonious divorces at the age of 12 onwards (my father left us and apparently this gave Sarah's father the "nudge" he was looking for to go for it too).

After most of the divorce stuff was out of the way, Sarah's mother moved to France taking Sarah and her two younger brothers with her. Subsequently my mother decided to move down South with myself and my sister to be nearer her parents. We still stayed in touch via the internet with emails and webcams etc. However, where Sarah's brothers were still quite young and adapted naturally to living and learning in France, Sarah had quite a hard time getting used to it and eventually when she was 18 she moved back on her own to Northamptonshire where we had both lived in the very beginning. And, we still stayed in touch. She quickly latched onto a much older man (who quite frankly I can't stand) and began a very turbulent relationship with him. I would constantly get phone calls from her in a tearful mess needing to talk. But I was her friend, her mum was in France and although I wasn't happy with the relationship she had entered into, I was happy to listen and help if I could over the years.

She got pregnant about 3 and a half years ago by this man (don't get me started) and she phoned me saying "I always said when we were kids that we would be each others choice of godparents for our children!" and of course I was thrilled to be a part of her son's life and felt honoured to be asked to be his godmother. Also meant I could keep an, albeit distant, eye on her boyfriend.

Now. For some reason (probably just because I have a JOB) I think she has managed to get it into her head that I am rich or something? July last year I went up to see her for about the 6th time since her son was born 3(ish) years ago. I ALWAYS do the travelling which for a return from Winchester to Northampton even with a 16-25 railcard is about £40 a pop. But I understood that she had a kid, I don't and it's easier for me to hop on a train with no prams etc. So off I went, with birthday presents for her son in tow as I had failed to see him for his 1st birthday. While there, I ended up paying for everything. I did normally, but it was even worse than usual.

I paid for her and her son's lunch, I paid for travel to and from her house, she managed to talk me into buying a paddling pool for her son and the final straw for me was when we were in Boots and she asked me to buy a big pack of her son's nappies. I did, because I did not want him to be without such an essential item and she made it sound as if she did not have the money to buy them at all. I got homeand just sat and felt a bit bewildered. And, to be honest, used. But I put up and shut up. Then August came...and my birthday came and went...and nothing. Not so much as a facebook message. I just never heard from her! And for some reason this just made me snap.

I just felt so hurt, after how much I have tried to contribute to our friendship, and she can't even be bothered to remember to say happy birthday??? I sat and talked it through with my mum and we both realised that our friendship's balance of give and take is way off. She knew I had some problems at my old job with my ex-boss and she never once asked how I was. I got a new job, she never asked how it was going. OH and I started looking to buy a house, she never showed an interest in what was going on. So I made a conscious decision to distance myself from her. Don't get me wrong I sent her a congratulations message when I found out she was pregnant again, and I also said happy birthday to her in January.

She is my oldest friend, but I feel we have ended up taking different paths in life and although I do not judge and it has never been an issue before, I just feel we are too different now. She is, I suppose, your classic "benefits mum". She now has a daughter too (born in May) and surprise surprise she has come out of the woodwork asking when I am going to visit (after not hearing from her since last July mind!) and laying on the emotional blackmail of her son is wondering where I am and she feels he is losing out because I'm not around and haven't been for a while and why did she bother making me a godparent blah blah blah. I just want to shout at her no, your son is losing out in life because you and your loser boyfriend decided to have two children when you have no job and can't pay your own way in life :mad:

I know I should probably try to approach her in a mature way and tell her how I feel, but you know what? I just don't have the energy for it. I just can't be bothered, I have officially given up.

Am I a terrible person? Should I just walk away?

Edit: I do feel awful, I gave the back story to show how this is 16/17 years of friendship I am contemplating chucking away. It's hard.

Sorry for the rant, thanks if you managed to get through it all...

pigpen

Start saying no.

No to visiting.. suggest she comes to yours and you can visit your local attractions for the children, like a holiday!

When she suggests you buying stuff say no! It isn't hard after the first time.

Tiglath

I'd simply drop contact - not all friendships are supposed to last for ever, and your godson barely knows you so won't miss you. She sees you as a cashcow; that's not a genuine friendship, so do yourself a favour and walk away. The relationship will never be what you want it to be, however much you might try and talk it through with her, so just leave it in the past.

pops5588

pigpen wrote: »

Start saying no.

No to visiting.. suggest she comes to yours and you can visit your local attractions for the children, like a holiday!

When she suggests you buying stuff say no! It isn't hard after the first time.

I appreciate the suggestion. I have tried a few times to suggest that she come down here, but she won't even entertain the idea. And I know that even if she did I would still be expected to pay for everything.

I also feel like if she had a friend in her life who didn't say no, and always tried to help her out financially as well as emotionally and she couldn't even be arsed to take 2 minutes out of her day to text me then, why would she bother for a friend who says no to her?

I suppose its a slight case of cowardice on my part, I am reluctant to put myself out there emotionally if I am 99.9% certain she still isn't going to bother...

NervousHomeowner

I don't think you're a terrible person at all. It sounds like you had very different lives in the time you were apart & don't really have that much in common anymore. Unfortunately being childhood friends doesn't necessarily make for a good adult friendship

As for whether you should walk away, I think it depends on whether you want to talk to her about these things & try to work things out or would rather just avoid the confrontation & cut contact altogether. Is it worth messaging her & calmly explaining your feelings & why you haven't been to visit? It may be that your friend has been so wrapped up in things that she hasn't even noticed that she's being selfish, and letting her know will make her change her ways.

Tiglath

I think you've already made up your mind and just need people to tell you you're not a terrible person, so here it is: You're not a terrible person

Hermia

TBH I would walk away. I think she has majorly stepped over the mark and is one of life's takers.

I have met several of those people who seem to assume that everyone who works is rich. IME nothing will convince them otherwise.

HeadAboveWater

Repeat after me: 'I am not a terrible person'

Seriously! You're not! Friendships are a 2 way thing. There should be give and take from both sides, not one side all give and the other just takes. It doesn't work like that.

Hermia

HeadAboveWater wrote: »

Repeat after me: 'I am not a terrible person'

Seriously! You're not! Friendships are a 2 way thing. There should be give and take from both sides, not one side all give and the other just takes. It doesn't work like that.

So true. Personally I think an adult who expects other people to buy them things (especially, a non-essential like a paddling pool) should get stuffed. Only toddlers can get away with having those sorts of assumptions.

pops5588

Tiglath wrote: »

I think you've already made up your mind and just need people to tell you you're not a terrible person, so here it is: You're not a terrible person

It does seem to look that way doesn't it? It didn't start out that way with this thread, but I suppose as I wrote it down it just came round full circle. I do feel hurt. I don't know how I would swallow my resentment and sit with her kids and be "fun auntie poppy" when I feel so let down by her.

Just don't know whether it's even worth saying anything about how I feel to her.

HeadAboveWater

I've something similar going on with my sister at the minute, although not the financial aspect. There have been a few times where (hopefully it wasn't intentional!) I've felt emotionally guilty for not seeing my niece and nephew as often as I used to.

For the last couple of years, I'll pick up my phone to text her, stare at a blank screen, then leave the phone down again. I just don't know what to say to her.

The way I feel about it all at the minute, is that I will contact or visit her when I want to, not because I should.

Only you will know if it's a friendship worth fighting for.