How do you bring up your children as DFW?

Mozette

Many moons ago, I used to get ten bob pocket money off my Nan (50p, youngsters!) which my Mum put away for me, I got 6d off my Grandpa if he had any pension left, which I was allowed to spend, any money for Christmas or birthdays was largely saved, by Mum. At the time, I was none to happy about this, but I had no choice in the matter, and boy was I glad when the time came that I wanted to buy a house, I had enough money for a deposit, and at least some furniture, and the rest I got from friends & relatives chucking stuff out.
I think there is something to the genetic aspect, my sibling's much better with money than I, but I do think that even if you go off the rails - which I did - you have the basic skills to get yourself out of trouble, which I'm doing.
Watching programmes like Bank of Mum & Dad, it seems that for so many people there is no correlation in their minds between what they earn, and what they spend, and if they just buy what they want when they want, they are likely to end up in debt.
One important thing I think, is that when they're old enough, and start earning, have money off your children for their keep. I think a vital lesson to learn is that your wages are not your spends - you pay for the roof over your head first, then you can think about spending, but hopefully you can get them to think about saving as well. Perhaps if there is something that they really want, get them to save for it, and do the simple maths with them, the more they spend now and the less they save, the further away what they want gets.
Obviously I'm not suggesting never treating your children, but to my mind there's a difference between treating and spoiling. And do you really want your children on here in 20 years time posting 'Help; in debt and desperate'?

chevalier

I am not sure what the answer to this is. We live in a very affluent area (by dint of very hard work, not born with spoon in mouth!), and every year out two neighbours buy at least one new car. We still have the Laguna we started with.

So I think we are showing our children that things don't get bought just because we WANT something new. My car does fine. I would love a Laguna sports tourer, but won't get a loan for it. So until my car drops its engine out of the engine compartment, we will keep it going.

My older one has a money box, we did try and do a 'get 5p for doing this' thing but it only worked for a while, as he wasn't interested in spending it!

We pretty much only buy them presents for birthday and christmas. So they know not to expect a treat every week. But on occasion we will surprise them (eg buying lego unexpectedly) and they are really pleasantly surprised when they do get something extra. Likewise they do not have sweets every week so again it is a treat.

I think it is what you do every day that counts. My older son notices when I get new clothes, because it is so unusual (and is very sweet and says how nice it is bless) for example.
hope that helps
chev

KellsBells

lauren_1 wrote: »

DD has a token systemm well a glittery baby milk tin that 10p (the tokens) go in to when she does something good (cleans her teeth, picks up her toys) or does her chores (sweep decking, water plants, make her bed)

She has a list of things to but with her tokens like an ice cream is 20 tokens and a swimming trip is 30 tokens and a trip to longleat is 100, i strongly suspect my mum is filling her pockets with 10p's as at last count she has 56 in there?

Also the promise of a token generaly enough to get her to do anything

Yep, this is exactly what we do, and we also use the bribery factor to get those jobs done!!

Quite a few of us do this, so it must be a really good trick!

dreams_R_free

I've read this thread with great interest and applaud all of you who are starting your offspring on the road to never taking money for granted:beer: . I wish with all my heart that my parents had done the same for me!

I have to say though that I'm a little concerned that normal activities which should be done as a matter of course need to be 'rewarded'. Things like brushing their teeth and eating their tea. I feel it gives the wrong message somehow, the idea that everything in life has a price , which I don't agree with. And Yes, I certainly agree about paying/rewarding children for doing chores over and above what's expected (such as washing the car, doing stuff to tidy the garden, washing-up after a big meal) but not for those small acts of kindness and consideration which oil the wheels of a happy family life and should be offered without any thought of 'what's in it for me?'

Sorry, don't want to upset anyone here:o so please forgive me if I have. It's just another point of view.

auntie_brenda

I too think that a lot of it is born to you. My DS & DD were brought up the same but have totally different attitudes. DD saves, DS spends, particularly if it's someone else's money! He has just come back from S America and owes me a lot of money. However, he has got a job and paying credit cards, loans & debts off quickly.

I sat him down and showed him some of the posts on here and TBH I think (hope!) it scared him. He was interested in the difference between priority and non-priority debts and thought it was a good concept. I pointed out that, as I am the one who keeps a roof over his head, I am a priority debtor, rather than my exOH who just feeds him occasionally..... so the money is coming to me a lot quicker than exOH!!!!:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

rog2

I have to agree with those who say that 'DFW' is almost impossible to teach to children, other than by example or necessity.
I have three children, all grown up now, and when my eldest two were younger, money was never a problem. Designer clothes were the 'norm' and foreign holidays were available at least three times a year.
My youngest, currently in fourth year of uni) is the exception - yes she had her phase of 'I want' and, to be honest, 'she got'.
My financial problems began about four years ago, when she started at university (I hasten to add that my problems were NOT as a result of her going to university) and we had to explain that money would be tight.
Now it is her coming home and telling us what today's bargains at LIDL's are.
Like SS I am waffling.

blackangeluk

Hi, all your replies are so useful.

I don't think it is something that can be taught but it is the way you bring them up. I don't want to deprive my children of things but I cannot buy them everything either.

My DS is far too young for pocket money and I just don't think my DD is old enough as she has no "daily" needs that we don't pay for, and has plenty of toys.

I think my new DFW status can only have a positive effect on our attitude with money and I have to stop doing "guilt" buying as well!!

:beer:

Coolmum66

Hi Blackangel (and everone else)
You don't say how old your children are?? My treenage son does get £7.50 p.m per week - but for that he MUST:
Keep his room tidy
Clear the drainer 3 times a day
Keep the front and back garden tidy and grass cut
Put his dirty washing out, and clean clothes away
Change his bed weekly
Wheelie bins out when full - in once emptied
Help with the weekly shop
Plus other odd jobs
Also from that he has to make sure he always has credit on his phone!!

If there is something that he wants that he's looking at me to buy I will tell him honestly if I can't afford it.

I do use a certain amount of bribery (!!) but I also give him options ie: when he grows out of his clothes we'll get some more from Matalan, H&M, Peacocks etc. Designer labels?!?! - you'll get one pair of jeans for Christmas

As with most families and children - it's what works for you

Storm

I think perhaps th emost important thing you can teach kids before they go off into the big bad world is the basics of being OS rather than DFW. If a teenager leaving home for the first time knows how to cook cheap, healthy meals and how wonderful a bottle of stardrops is then they'll be in good stead. Yes, they'll probably spend the first months on takeaways, ready meals etc, but at least they'll have the knowledge to fall back on.

hypno06

A couple of years ago we paid a local lad to cut our grass - £5 each week. One week he didn't turn up so I said that we should cut the grass ourselves and save the £5 - everything has a value, and the value of cutting the grass was £5, either to the lad, or to ourselves.

They then went on to make their own wrapping paper instead of buying it, and put the money in a jar. Birthday cards were the same - if they went to buy one but came back saying there was nothing they liked so would make one on the PC instead, the money saved went into the jar.

Then we opened a savings account for it and over the next few months, with a bit of effort, enough had been saved by "dfw-ness" to have a holiday!

The children were well and truly involved and it taught them a lot, which thankfully they have retained.

Everything has a value - time, things etc. They now know that for every hour I work, I get paid. For everything we have in the house we have to spend. So to do a week's shopping at £50, I have to work x amount of hours.

Thankfully, the children have grasped it, and I am very proud of them.