Relationship conundrum

FatVonD

I think you need to say something like: 'I've been concerned about the direction your friendship with X is taking so I checked your phone and one of your text messages confirmed to me that I may need to be worried'.

If he is 'confused' about his feelings for her then maybe he needs to be shocked into realising what he stands to lose. If he is developing feelings for her but wants to save your marriage then he should be prepared to cut all contact with her, including joining a different sports club.

[Deleted User]

I 'found' something on my exes phone I wasn't happy about - I didn't go on to snoop ( honestly! lol ) I needed a number from one of the texts on his phone , but WHY did I ''happen to have a look'' if SOMETHING made me do it

One of the beginnings of the texts below the one I needed to look at looked suspicious / dodgy in its wording and it turned out it WAS

I WOKE MY EX UP and confronted him ... wasn't going to tippy toe around it and I told him everything , he TRIED to explain what it was but I told him I'm not stupid anyway and he was not who I thought he was , so I'd rather know anyway , even though he didn't admit to anything I know something dodgy was going on , so I could not be with him of course ... It was just funny coz he was in a DEEEEEEEP sleep as he was REALLY exhausted that night , but after one hour in a deep sleep I had him up and 'explaining' but some things you can't ''explain away'' and I don't regret ''looking'' even though he told me off for it which I completely ignored as I'd rather have a clear picture of WHO HE REALLY IS in this case ... And I don't like it

So don't dilly dally or beat around the bush , see if it can be resolved as trust is a major thing in a relationship as a relationship is built on trust! x

Zazen999

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

I have my suspicions that my OH has feelings for someone else.

This someone else has been known to my OH for many years and they are good friends.

Trouble is - I can't just say to my OH - oh by the way, I was nosing through your phone, found this, whats that all about and well shall I pack my bags?

So how do you broach the subject?

Its really getting to me what I read (my own fault !!) so what do you do ?

Yes. You can. And probably should now, rather than give yourself an ulcer worrying about it.

nlj1520

One of my ex-boyfriends once muttered his password as he was typing it. 3 months later I was deeply suspicious and went into his email account. Not proud of it, know it was immoral, but what I found out saved me from continuing a relationship with a cheating, pervy liar. Now I'm not suggesting your OH is any of those, but sometimes we do the wrong thing and it moves out life on into a healthier place. By the way I never told him what I had done, when I confronted him he was so flustered trying to defend himself he never asked how I found out!
Good luck, hope it all turns out well for you......but you must talk to him.

zzzLazyDaisy

Okay, I am going to play devil's advocate. 15 years is a long time, if you have otherwise been happy before this, and feel you have/had a good relationship, then it is worth keeping calm, and not throwing the baby out with the bathwater... at this stage anyway.

I agree with the others, you need to approach him, and talk to him. It's easy to say, but try not to accuse him of things he might not (yet?) have done. In a long relationship sometimes things get 'samey' and 'boring', and the grass on the other side (minus bills and chores and mundane every day stuff) may look more vibrant and exciting. Maybe he needs this wake up call? Maybe you both do? Maybe this has not gone past the point of no return? Maybe you can look again at your relationship and see where you can put more joy and more fun back into it? Maybe all is not lost yet....

Going in all guns blazing may not be the best way to deal with this... but keeping quiet for fear of what you might find out certainly isn't either.

Hugs to you, I hope you can work things out

xxx

londoner01

I had completely misread the opening post to mean that there WEREN'T any messages, just a "gut feeling", so how do you breach the subject then.

In the light of my dim understanding: do the messages suggest that something has actually happened, or do you think he has feelings he hasn't acted on? The two are very different.

Has his behaviour towards you changed? If so, that could be a way to approach the subject rather than what he may have done with this friend.

You will eventually have to own up to the fact that you looked and whether it's part of wider trust issues, but for the time being perhaps only mentioning that you've noticed his behaviour towards his friend change may be enough, you can always put it down to your insecurity.
I had an episode where my partner was seeing a friend I didn't know for coffee and forgot to tell me but I found out from his phone (we exchange them quite often and are not very private about them). I basically told him "I know this is nothing but for some reason it made me jealous, I must be feeling insecure for some silly reason, please tell me I'm stupid" and of course it was nothing. Perhaps approaching the subject in a similar way (even though in this case you have some suspicions) is a better way about it. Basically, acknowledging as a potential weakness of yours instead of going in for the accusation, or testing the ground with unlikely questions.
His answer will add to how you feel about the whole situation and just make it clearer whether you're more suspicious or you're reassured.