Relationship conundrum

Octopus_Corner

I have my suspicions that my OH has feelings for someone else.

This someone else has been known to my OH for many years and they are good friends.

Trouble is - I can't just say to my OH - oh by the way, I was nosing through your phone, found this, whats that all about and well shall I pack my bags?

So how do you broach the subject?

Its really getting to me what I read (my own fault !!) so what do you do ?

BrookesAndrew

Need a bit more information if you wouldn't mind? What have you read on the phone? How long have you both been together?

tea_lover

I'm guessing you had suspicions of something untoward to make you look at the phone in the first place. Maybe you could raise those with him? Not easy though, I've been there.

aileth

Yeah it'd help if you put some idea of what you read. As someone who found something to do with my OH and then asked about it on this forum, I knew I was misinterpreting it thanks to everyone's advice. Of course, if it's something like, "I wanna bang you, love love love xxxx", well....

Octopus_Corner

sorry about being vague.

We have been together for over 15 years.

the message read that my OH is confused about things which given the context of the rest of the conversation, suggests that he has feelings for someone who we both know and doesn't know what to do about it.

My OH and this person are good friends and have known each other for several years. I don't think its any more than flirting/friendly banter at the moment but things like kisses at the end of text messages do bug me and are the reason I do keep an eye on the phone.

marisco_2

Reading between the lines of your post, it comes across that you have trust issues in your relationship, and suspected your OH of having feelings for and possibly involvement with someone else. Otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to look through his phone in the first place.

I can understand that you haven't divulged what you found on here, as it appears this might be sensitive. The fact that what you read is really getting to you, to the point that you are considering packing your bags, suggests what was sent by your OH by text to his friend was not appropriate. I respect that you are more than capable of distinguishing between that and some light hearted banter between old friends.

You know your OH best of course and how the dynamic of his friendship with this lady has been over the years. If what is written in the text suggests to you that their relationship is changing and they are getting close then you need to approach him calmly and discuss this. It may not be an easy conversation but the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this situation is to talk to your OH. Be completely honest about how you found the text and listen to his explanation of it, then talk it through putting all your feelings across to each other. He may not be happy about you looking at his phone but then you are not happy about what you found, so my advice is don't ignore it if it feels wrong.

aileth

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

sorry about being vague.

We have been together for over 15 years.

the message read that my OH is confused about things which given the context of the rest of the conversation, suggests that he has feelings for someone who we both know and doesn't know what to do about it.

My OH and this person are good friends and have known each other for several years. I don't think its any more than flirting/friendly banter at the moment but things like kisses at the end of text messages do bug me and are the reason I do keep an eye on the phone.

If you're checking his phone, you obviously are having problems trusting him. Is there any underlying reason why for this? Are they both sending kisses in the texts? A friend of my OH used to send a string of kisses to him and it made me really nervous at once until I learnt from others that she did it to everyone, and apparently even put kisses at the end when having a full-swing text argument with her husband.

Pollycat

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

This someone else has been known to my OH for many years and they are good friends.

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

My OH and this person are good friends and have known each other for several years.

Which is it?
'many years and 'several years' aren't the same thing.

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

the message read that my OH is confused about things which given the context of the rest of the conversation, suggests that he has feelings for someone who we both know and doesn't know what to do about it.

How well do you know this person?
Are you ever out all together
Have you noticed anything that may be deemed 'suspicious'?

Does your partner see this person on his own (i.e without you) e.g at work or socially?

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

My OH and this person are good friends and have known each other for several years. I don't think its any more than flirting/friendly banter at the moment but things like kisses at the end of text messages do bug me and are the reason I do keep an eye on the phone.

I put XXX at the end of my text messages to all my friends and most of them seem to do the same in their texts to me.

It really doesn't mean anything to either parties but if your partner doesn't put kisses in texts to you, it would probably make me wonder too.

Orlando_Virgin

Octopus_Corner wrote: »

sorry about being vague.

We have been together for over 15 years.

the message read that my OH is confused about things which given the context of the rest of the conversation, suggests that he has feelings for someone who we both know and doesn't know what to do about it.

My OH and this person are good friends and have known each other for several years. I don't think its any more than flirting/friendly banter at the moment but things like kisses at the end of text messages do bug me and are the reason I do keep an eye on the phone.

What is their background together? How did they meet and under what circumstances? I've got to be honest I am not a big fan of man/woman friendships that are kind of exclusive to the partner.

It would make me wonder as well, I think talking to him in the first place would have been a better solution than checking his phone though. Ask him openly and calmly about it and say you're feeling a little insecure and unsure. See how he reacts.

I'm a cynic personally so I wouldn't like it.

tea_lover

Ignore me, hadn't read the later post properly!

Octopus_Corner

marisco wrote: »

You know your OH best of course and how the dynamic of his friendship with this lady has been over the years. If what is written in the text suggests to you that their relationship is changing and they are getting close then you need to approach him calmly and discuss this. It may not be an easy conversation but the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this situation is to talk to your OH. Be completely honest about how you found the text and listen to his explanation of it, then talk it through putting all your feelings across to each other. He may not be happy about you looking at his phone but then you are not happy about what you found, so my advice is don't ignore it if it feels wrong.

I agree. I do think that the dynamics of their friendship are changing.... This is really hard to deal with as without letting slip I've snooped, I can hardly bring the subject into conversation.... or know how my OH really feels or know how I now act when I'm in the presence of this other person.

To answer other posts, they see each other with me and without me so trust in the future is going to be hard as now I'm going to be wondering..... They share a common hobby so partake in this together.

I think they have known each other for circa 6 years.

I think a heart to heart will be needed at some point and I might not like the answers I will get but I suppose I will have to deal with that at the time.

Its just hard knowing that the bubble you are in is burst and how on earth you deal with the fallout. In some respects, I may be reading something into nothing (or find that my OH doesn't act on anything and things remain as they are between me and my OH) but my primary concern is as I mentioned (and as another poster commeneted) that the dynamics of their friendship are changing and to get a hint of this and that my OH is confused is very disconcertng and upsetting for me because my OH is my life and I don't know what I would do without my OH.