How to understand the grief of death for a 9 year old

busiscoming2

I too agree with not making too much at this age of the drinking. Perhaps with the onset of his teen years you may want to bring it up then as an example of excess and it's dangers.

ognum

If after the death of his godfather you feel your son would Benifit from talking with someone other than you and your husband then CRUSE the bereavement charity run specialist childrens teams who help children in this situation.

islandgirl8

I would suggest visiting the website called 'Winston's wish' it is a charity for bereaved children. They have a fabulous list of books available for children to read too.

shellsuit

I'd be honest and tell him the news, but don't go overboard with it relating to drinking. You could say something like "he was poorly, and drinking didn't help him" rather than blaming it all on that.

Comfort him when he needs it, you might find that he will start to worry about people close to him dying, I know I did.

I was 9 when my lovely Aunty died of breast cancer, and 10 when one of my wonderful friends was run over and killed.

I can remember being upset and finding myself worrying about my parents of a night when I was in bed. I'd cry myself to sleep some night because I got so worked up about them dying.

barbarawright

Maybe this sounds harsh, but how upset is he really likely to be about someone he's hardly met?. Two different teachers died when I was around that age and I remember that we were all quite callous about it - in one case we were definitely more upset about her dog who died in the same accident. It might be a good opportunity to discuss death and the fact that other people will be upset but there doesn't seem any reason he should be unless he's a bit of a drama queen.

Person_one

I would definitely make sure you answer all questions completely honestly, but I agree with the above that he probably won't be as upset as you and his dad are.

pigpen

I lost my uncle to drink just over 3 years ago and his girlfriend at easter last year.. he was 51 and she was 38. They left 2 very very small children.

My older children knew he had a drink problem so understood his death, though it was not actually related to the drink, he had a brain haemorrhage.

The younger children 9 (he was her godfather) , 7 and 5 were actually quite intrigued more than anything. They asked lots of questions around death in general, what it feels like, what happens etc.. I answered as honestly as I could.. I gave them the different versions of the afterlife and reincarnation and spirits based on the teachings of a variety of religions and what I believe too.. they were very much ok with it tbh.

I think it depends greatly on how they are and what type of personality the child has and how influential the person has been in their life. A lot also depends on how you are, they follow your lead usually.

I sat mine down, said we had some very sad news and uncle S had very sadly died. I gave them time to think about that before saying it was ok to be upset because we loved him and always would and that if they wanted to talk about it or had any questions we would answer them as best we could.

The chances are he won't be as affected as you are thinking he will be.. just be open and honest and let him come to you.

One thing I do believe, depending on your sons maturity, given you know him best.. let him have the option of attending the funeral, he probably won't want to but he may feel pushed out and unimportant if he is not at least asked. I was furious when my great-granddad died and I wasn't even given the option of going to his funeral.

Counting_Pennies_2

Thanks all,

He was so delighted to see his god father at Easter, he had been asking to see him for months. I am so pleased he saw him and while he was not the old person we all knew and loved he was definitely in better condition than he is now, so can at least remember him in a nice way.

I guess you are all right we are being more affected than he probably will be.

He has been a little quiet since we told him. We have been open and honest, but brief about why he is so poorly and not ancient to be dying, how drink has not helped him and probably made him sick much earlier than he might have been if he had only had a drink or two and not drunk to excess. How it is very sad.

He gave me lots of hugs yesterday, and has been a little more quiet and tactile since. I think he is processing it well.

Thanks all

pukkamum

I think if you are going to tell him the link between his death and alcohol you need to make it clear it was the excess of drinking that caused his death, I was a nanny for a family who's mum had died of cancer and the youngest one was convinced it was because she smoked a cigarette once, it wasn't she wasn't a smoker, but you can see how she came to that conclusion.
We recently lost an friend to drug abuse and we didn't hide our grief as children should know how losing someone feels and that those feelings are fine.
Sorry for your loss as I say we have been through it recently and it is awful.

Racheldevon

I'd second Winston's Wish an excellant charity http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/

Books by Margot Sunderland are very good there's a whole series explaining a range of issues to children, available on amazon.

You might also find it helpful to talk to http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/contact