How to understand the grief of death for a 9 year old

Counting_Pennies_2

We have had some dreadful news today that my son's god father is dying.

It is so very sad. He got himself into a bad way these last few years. He was an upstanding member of the public had a very high paid important job, but whose heavy drinking led himself into a dark place estranged from his family, lost his job and struggling to cope with the basics in life.

Sadly it is too late to save him and we are breaking the news to my son.

Luckily my son got to see him just a few weeks ago, it had been a few years since we had seen him as he lives hours away and was always so busy and never able to catch up with us.

I am sensitive to how badly he will feel, and wonder if it is a good time to talk at the same time about the perils of drink etc, or just leave it with the sad news.

My husband is also losing a one time best friend who due to various circumstances was unable to connect with him these last few years. I guess we had always thought we would reconnect later in life when children, jobs etc calmed down a little. Sadly drink and everything associated with it has now resulted in us not able to see him again. It comes with it enormous regret at not getting to see him. So many times we said it would be lovely to meet up but we never got there. I am pleased my DH and DS got to meet up with him recently, but he was in such a bad way that it wasn't the old him. It is so desperately sad.

Any hints or tips would be gratefully received.

Many thanks

Lagoon

I don't have much advice to give, and can imagine how difficult this will be.

I will say that at nine years old, he will be old enough to understand everything. It would be my personal recommendation to go into the details of the drinking, and the effect it can have.

At a younger age I lost two family members to the effects of smoking. Those around me explained it in detail, and that was enough to make me one of very few people who, under pressure at school as a teenager, didn't accept cigarettes.

I am very anti-smoking, and always will be, because I've seen the effect it has.

I would say that you need to be tactful. Don't scare him away from drink, but use this as an opportunity for him to ask questions. He'll no doubt have some, and I know that as a godmother of someone I obviously love very much, if anything happened to me that could have been prevented then I would want my death to my final lesson, as something positive coming out of what's happened.

System

Has your child experienced any death at all? Even a pet dying? If he's experienced a pet dying he will have had experience with death which should make the understanding so much easier. i'm not saying it will soften the blow though.

The first adult death my children had to face was their Grandad (my Stepfather) but having pets that had died gave them some idea as to what 'death' actually was. Lots of cuddles were needed and awkward questions to answer (such as what happens to the teeth?) in my case.

Counting_Pennies_2

Judi wrote: »

Has your child experienced any death at all? Even a pet dying? If he's experienced a pet dying he will have had experience with death which should make the understanding so much easier. i'm not saying it will soften the blow though.

The first adult death my children had to face was their Grandad (my Stepfather) but having pets that had died gave them some idea as to what 'death' actually was. Lots of cuddles were needed and awkward questions to answer (such as what happens to the teeth?) in my case.

His Great Granny died a few years ago in her late 90s and she came up in conversation very regularly from him for a good few months, and is still remembered fondly and clearly by him. That death was easy to explain as it was an end of life naturally reached, this is a tricky one as it seems to have a huge life lesson attached. One of the perils of drink, over work, remembering the importance to seeing people close to you. He is a sensitive sole who cares deeply about people and is very empathatic.

System

I'm with Lagoon on this but i'd use the death to explain the effects of smoking/drinking to excess.

Its another lesson in life i am afraid and an oportunity as a Mum to nuture.

My StepFather died of emphysema after smoking for many years by the time he stopped smoking the damage had been done. I never sheltered my kids from the fact but whether my nuturing made any difference i'll never know. However, i know i did what i think was right.

Alikay

I was 9 when my Grandad died. He was much-loved and he lived with us, so we were very close. He'd had a series of strokes, each one taking a bit more from him until he had to go into hospital and it became clear he'd die soon.

My mum explained that he was very ill and wouldn't get better, and that he'd die sometime soon, but we didn't know when. There was no talk of heaven, angels, going to sleep etc but it was clear, gentle and concise and I accepted it well (with a few tears obviously). He died a few weeks later, and though I was very sad and missed him, I think I came to terms with it pretty well.

silvercar

Luckily my son got to see him just a few weeks ago, it had been a few years since we had seen him as he lives hours away and was always so busy and never able to catch up with us.

If you hadn't seen him for a few years prior to that, then your son only has a vague memory of seeing him apart from this one occasion.

Personally I wouldn't emphasise the link between alcohol and his death too much. Children tend to see everything in black and white and will associate every single drink you take as a sign you could die.

I would go with the sadness that he won't be in your lives in the future. People die for all sorts of reasons and some may contribute to this by their own lifestyles, others are just plain unlucky. You don't want a 9 year old to think anyone who dies has brought it on themselves.

Remember to look after yourself, clearly this was a person close to you given that you chose him as a godparent.

System

Personally I wouldn't emphasise the link between alcohol and his death too much. Children tend to see everything in black and white and will associate every single drink you take as a sign you could die.

Yes i agree with this. Once spoken about is probably more than enough unless the child asks questions.

z.n

I second the warning about emphasising the risks from alcohol. It could cause your child unnecessary anxiety.
As for telling him about the death, my grandmother died unexpectedly when my son was a similar age. When I told him he didn't seem to react much at all. I was surprised as they were very close. But the next morning he got up and was covered head to foot in eczema which took weeks to get under control. He had never had it before and hasn't since. We then had periods of anxiety about all sorts of 'deadly' things -germs, lead paint, inhaling tobacco smoke etc which may or may not have been coincidental. I am not sure how I could have handled things differently but be alert to possible anxiety issues in the coming months.

missindecisive

children can be remarkably accepting of these situations. You may find that as your son hasn't seen much of him in recent years, that he does not get as upset as you think he is going to be. I would keep your explanations simple, don't go into too much detail.

msb5262

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear your sad news. I second (or third) the idea of not making too much of the alcoholism aspect...if/when your son asks for more information, think about telling him then.

I'd like to recommend this book as a brilliant way to address the whole death thing. Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Badgers-Parting-Gifts-Susan-Varley/dp/1849395144

Hope that helps.

MsB