How do I manage to bring out the worst in people everytime?

Tally...x

Hi,
Not really sure why I posted on here, no one to share it with I guess.
Since primary school, I've been prone to these little attacks of nastiness from people who everyone describes as perfectly pleasant or nice.
There have been various incidents, I'm not sure if I'm overly sensitive. If these were said with a smile or joked I wouldn't actually take any offence. Its often the fact they're said by some i dont know particularly well. But I can quote a few.
In high school, there seemed to be one snide remark from someone new (who i wouldn't deem as a bully as they seemed to be nice to everyone) a day. I've been called fat (my BMi does not indicate I am overweight, I am slightly chubby admittedly), smelly, pathetic, told I would deserve all misfortune and these remarks were always unprovoked.. I can't really pin them down to one individual. They've always been fleeting remarks, not bullying as such.
Recently in conversation, with my closest friend and another girl who seemed quite nice, she randomly drew an offensive image of me as a bloated animal but added enough defining features for just me to know it was me. I've never been horrible to her and she had a completely normal facial expression, almost like she was in her own world when she drew it.
This incident sticks in my mind as it was most recent.
Just a side note, to say I'm not one of those people who I thought would be normally targeted as a victim, I'm quite a plain, blend in the background type of person, I don't draw attention to myself and I'm not particularly special in any noticeable way. This may seem like the ramblings of a low self esteem loony, but I'm just being completely blunt :cool:
I have one very close friend, who I see as completely indentical in personality and nature. She however I'm not trying to be nasty or vindictive has appearance features that I could see as leading to bullying. But there hasn't been one incident yet. I'm not saying she should be victim to this sort of thing, but I find it odd she hasn't.
It's the sheer amount of people with leads me to believe it isn't them, it's me it'd be illogical to assume fault with everyone. I don't know what to do I'm fed up of having to ignore it all the time. It must be something I give off as such that triggers these impromptu bouts of nastiness.
P.s I'm 14

fluffnutter

As you get older, you'll realise that not everything is about you.

meritaten

Perhaps you are taking random remarks personally? you make me think of a shy girl who is convinced that everyone is watching her. In reality she doesn't even register on most peoples radar!
I think you may be feeling selfconcious right now - relax and ignore what you think are jibes about you - I bet they aren't!

gwen80

Aww, Tally. To make sure I understand properly, are they fleeting nasty comments that catch you off guard?

poet123

I think that when you look back in years to come you will see that this kind of thing is a rite of passage for most females. It doesn't make it any easier to cope with at the time, but it does happen to most of us. I have vivid memories of being your age and having similar issues. Men have the alpha male syndrome (where they all vie to be top dog physically) and girls do it more subtly with put downs and snide remarks which they say in a jokey way so that they do not come across as !!!!!y. Most of us grow out of it, but at 14 you are slap bang in the prime time of it I am afraid.

I think you come across as very mature for 14 and seem to be able to analyse situations. I think you are being too hard on yourself by saying the fault must lie with you, that isn't the necessarily the case (although none of us is perfect!!) Perhaps your friend with oddish features is different enough for people to steer clear of being too obvious in their taunts, whilst you seem able to take it.

I know it is no consolation when these things are happening, but trust me you will see it happening to others, and you will look back and see these things as trivial in the scheme of things. The best way to deal with it, is either to ignore it or challenge it head on. Try not let it bother you, or change you into a person who does this to others.

Take care.

Laconic

It gets better my dear is all I have to say. It really does. Well, okay, I lied: I have one more thing to say that others haven't already said. Get, or cultivate, at least one interest that doesn't require the input or approval of your friends so you're not entirely dependent on being 'in' with people.

Trust me, when you look back on this in a few years, you'll be surprised at how trivial it is. And when you're 19, looking at some 14 year olds... let me tell you, it's funny.


Mind you, if it's worse than careless, stupid or provocative remarks and you're actually being harassed, then that's not trivial: please talk to your parents or a teacher in that case.

marisco_2

You come across as an intelligient, articulate young lady. Reading between the lines here I think you have some friends that suffer with the old 'green eyed envy'. Your quiet, self assured, blend into the background persona possibly unnerves people who are less confident in themselves.

Everyone matures at different rates and it seems that your circle of friends have a long way to go. The kind of remarks and comments being made to you, are more akin to that which you would hear from kids half your age.

In a few years time it is unlikely you will be mixing with this same crowd. To be honest I think you have already outgrown them. Time maybe to think about being more selective about who you mix and socialise with.

MrsAnnie

Tally...x wrote: »

Hi,

P.s I'm 14

Yes, you probably are oversensitive, a lot of teens are at 14. You are at an age where life , at times, seems to be unfair, confusing, and a damn difficult minefield.

Friends and non-friends naturally test and push boundaries and can be utterly horrible at the best of times.

But life is too short to get down.

Work at letting unpleasantries slide off you, like water off a ducks back. Don't let nastiness from others overshadow your life; know your friends and keep them close, they are the ones you should cherish.

Involve yourself in out of school activities where you will meet likeminded peers, foster new friendships, involve yourself in physical sports for exercise, learn a new craft etc. etc. - remember 'no man is an island'.

CustardAndPickles

At 14, life and friends and other people can seem really confusing and hard. Although you sound pretty grown up, you won't yet have developed the self confidence and the "hey, screw you" attitude that older teenagers have, and so nasty comments hurt.

Right now it seems huge, but it's really not. When I was 14, the other girls in my class were my entire world and I lived and died by their approval - these days I can't remember their names (and I'm not that old!)

Hold on to who you are, find nice friends, study hard because it's easier to build a good life for yourself now rather than later. Hold on to who you are, remember those who try to upset you are really just as lonely and sad as they try and make you feel, and try and have as much fun as you can. Speak to your folks, Childline or a friendly teacher if it feels too much and remember that nothing now will really matter in five years time other than your exam results.

Person_one

The social structure and hierarchy in a secondary school is like nothing else you'll ever experience ever again. Once you leave in a couple of years, people will mostly judge you by your behaviour and your actions, being 'popular' and pretty won't be seen as the greatest achievements a woman can aspire to and being b!tchy and unpleasant will only reflect badly on the person doing it.

Just hang in there, stick with your friends who care about you and I agree with what Laconic suggested, get a hobby outside of school with a completely different bunch of people.

gwen80

Things will improve. When you're 14, other girls can be horrible. I remember a few incidents like this. To be honest, I still get them occasionally and I'm still learning how to deal with them. For the most part, I'd ignore them, it reflects badly on them. Don't lower yourself to their level. Pursue your own hobbies and interests and have different groups of friends.

When I get the occasional b1tchy comment (usually from my Aunt - nice eh?) I say something like 'Wow' or 'That's nice' these days. It acknowledges the comment, makes it clear you think it's uncalled for and highlights their unpleasantness. I'm not sure if that works with 14 year old girls though? Maybe someone else can advise it's a long time since I was 14!

For the most part, let it be water off a ducks back though. People who feel happy and secure in themselves have no reason to put others down.

Gwenx