As the name suggests...

dontknowwhattodo2

...I don't know what to do.

Me and my OH married young, we were in our early 20s when we married. This relationship is my first major one whereas my OH had previously had other significant relationships as a teenager/young adult.

Nearly a decade down the line and I'm struggling. A lot.

We were stupid with money when we got together and over the space of our relationship we're now in around £30k worth of debt which is crippling our lives. We have a little money each month to enjoy, but we both have well paying jobs and it's incredibly frustrating to see all of our money go onto ridiculous debts which we should have known better than to get (but that can't be helped).

My main problem is my OH. When we first got together, I was a timid, shy person and they were ballsy, confident and a kickass person to be around. Over the space of our marriage, the tables have turned. OH is now entirely dependent on me, can barely function if I have to go away for work, complains incessantly about everything, is afraid of confrontation in any situation... preferring to roll over and take bad news rather than stand up to it.

This is not the person I fell in love with and married. I'm now desperately unhappy as all I seem to do is run around trying to make OH happy, counsel during (frequent) bouts of tears, be on the receiving end of bad moods and generally receive little or no reward for my efforts.

We aren't close any more and we are lucky if we have a couple of quick pecks across a day. Sometimes we've gone entire days without a kiss.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a position where the debt is at such a level that neither of us can afford to move to another home and my parents live too far away for me to get into work. Since we have been together, my friendship group has all together disappeared, save for a couple of friends I've made through work, but all the other people we socialise with are my OH's friends originally.

Added to this, we bought our first house a few years ago when things were still good but we can't sell it. We are still in the initial fix in on the mortgage, the house is in negative equity and needs far too much work doing to it to even make it attractive to sell.

I have tried talking to my OH about my concerns and I was promised that they would seek out help and try to get help on managing moods etc. OH went to the doctor and has pretty much ignored the offer of support and any advice that was given. It would appear that the visit to the doctors was the equivalent of lip-service in the hope that it would be enough.

Can anyone give me any advice here? I just want to be happy

mumonashoestring

Blimey, I could have written this a few months ago. First of all, well done for making an effort to address what's going wrong.

My first suggestion would be to go to the Debt Free board on here and post an SOA which will give some of the very knowledgeable people on there the chance to make suggestions about how your financial situation can be improved. There's almost always something you can do...

I know it won't be easy but you also need to sit down with your OH and make it completely clear that the situation can't continue. Try and avoid making it all about their behaviour and focus on how you're feeling e.g. instead of 'you always leave it to me to sort out' try 'I would love to see you being confident and sorting this situation/problem out'. You really need to get to the bottom of why your OH thinks it's reasonable to expect you to carry them.

BUT.

You also need to be completely honest with yourself here. Are the arguments all one way, or do you also take out bad moods on your OH? Have you historically encouraged your OH to rely on you and then suddenly decided it's too much to cope with? If your OH needed to say 'I'm vulnerable and I need your help' could they trust you to react well to that?

paulineb_2

Sounds very much like hes suffering from anxiety/depression

aileth

Sound like you're very much in my shoes, OP. After months of trying to convince him that I thought he was depressed and to go to the Doctor, he did so and was offered counselling. He had a session booked on his day off, but didn't go. He told me that it was because he forgot it, but in an argument many moons later he told me that he didn't go on purpose as he thought being depressed meant he was branded as 'crazy'.

I finally got him to go back to the Doctor recently and he has been taking medication and has another appointment booked as I think now he finally sees the problem and he is now slowly starting to turn back into the person I fell in love with.

One thing he hasn't been able to see though is the effect it has on me. As he has the diagnosis and I am his support, I do feel very much that he thinks I am incapable of feeling down and he is the only one who should feel down, so when I'm not talkative or just generally down he is really confused why (like I'm not allowed to be because I don't have a diagnosis).

There have been many times where I've felt he's done a lot of things (mostly forgetting things) and then blaming it on depression as a scapegoat, and this really started to affect our relationship and we were as much to blame each for that.

I find it very difficult to talk to him as he very much avoids confrontation, so I will give you a piece of advice that someone gave me on this board a while ago.

If you feel you can't talk to him about serious matters and he avoids it, write him a letter with all your feelings in. Don't be accusatory or nasty, just set out the simple facts about when he does X, what it makes you feel. Put it on the table for when he gets home from work or whatever, and then go and have a nice long bath while he reads it.

We had had multiple arguments always about the same thing, but the communication wasn't right as he hated confrontation. I put the same things in a 4 A4 page letter that I had said many times before and he was actually taken aback and didn't realise that's what I had meant. He broke down as he didn't realise that's how I really felt and was so pleased that he could see it now.

Best of luck, OP. I really feel for you.

dontknowwhattodo2

To add further context, after much badgering from OH, I eventually went to the doctor a few months ago and was prescribed anti-depressants. I went through a very low period which caused a lot of arguments and I had suicidal thoughts. Now that my moods have stabilised and I feel better, I can't help but wonder if the issues I had were caused externally to us or if they were caused by OH.

I've tried to leave before but I end up not being strong enough and the tears and promises of change from OH convince me to stay, yet give it a week later and I'm back to square one, running around, doing everything and I'm sick of it. I wish I had the strength to either convince OH to change for the better or to just leave.

CustardAndPickles

Oh bless you, this sounds horribly familiar, although I was more in the position of your partner, rather than yours...

Money - specifically debt - can be absolutely nightmarish in a relationship if it's not talked about and discussed. My partner ended up being "in charge of the finances" while I actively avoided it. This ended up with my partner being physically very stressed and us arguing a lot. He got angry, I got scared because of the arguing, we started to resent each other...

...we are now divorced and the money stuff was one of the main causes.

You both need help, and just one of you getting help isn't going to fix things in the relationship. I'd suggest going to see Relate for counselling - they will ask for a donation and that's not easy if money's tight but it might help get feelings out in the open in a constructive fashion.

You really should look at posting on the DFW section too. See if you can make it a joint activity between the two of you - I found out to my surprise that actually being frugal and hunting out bargains can be surprisingly addictive, I enjoy it and it makes me feel useful and like I'm helping with the finances in my new relationship. Explain that dealing with it all yourself is too much for you and you need their help - but be aware that this is likely to cause arguments initially because your other half probably already knows this and feels as guilty as hell about it. And you will have to repeat it a lot - your partner has gotten into a way of thinking that they can't do anything and that feeling of helplessness will be difficult to escape from.

However, you do need to weigh up if you want to stay, too. Ironically, the money stuff was perhaps the biggest straw causing my divorce, but it wasn't the final one. Like you, we got together young, we were very insular, had no friends or nearby family and in the end we both were very different people from who we had been. He's with a new partner, and much happier, and I'm with a new partner and happier than I've ever been. Ironically, I've gone from being the person terrified of opening a bank account to being the person who found the best mortgage deal and organised it all (no mortgage broker here!) and check our finances - but I'm careful to make sure it's both of us. People can change, it's just whether the money is the only problem or it's just the only one you talk about.

Good luck.

dontknowwhattodo2

As a small update, this weekend I wanted to have a good couple of days with OH and try to relax, putting our problems behind us.

Suffice it to say, that didn't go to plan. We've spent an entire weekend arguing. I've cried, OH have cried, we yelled, we screamed but nothing seems to be resolved. OH keeps telling me that my tablets aren't working and the moods aren't getting better, effectively blaming me for our arguing and our problems. However, when I try and talk up and point out OH's issues, it all gets turned back onto me, the tears start and I end up feeling guilty.

I'm so sick, I can't live like this much longer. I think I'm going to throw in the towel. I don't have the energy to fight any more and even when things aren't going to hell, i'm not happy.

I know it will be hard, but I feel like this is my only option. Does anyone have any advice for how to do this? I've never broken up with anyone before, I don't know what to do

Treevo

Find somewhere else to rent and leave. Pack up and go.

heartbreak_star

Write him a letter, and go out while he reads it, and explain you want one in return that you can read in private.

HBS x

Person_one

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Write him a letter, and go out while he reads it, and explain you want one in return that you can read in private.

HBS x

The OP has taken great care not to specify gender.

I'm sorry you're at the end of the road OP.

heartbreak_star

Oops! I'm really not paying my usual level of attention today.

I apologise if I have offended, OP. Good luck.

HBS x