difficult money conversations with OH

mumonashoestring

Have you tried asking him what it is that makes it difficult for him to talk about money? If you weren't trying to second guess what aspect of it is upsetting him you might get a bit further.

[Deleted User]

jennyc85 wrote: »

have also decided we would love to start trying to save to go travelling

So, with an admittedly low income, and him feeling a bit inadequate about bringing in only 1/3 of the household income.. you've decided that rather than focus on 'the day to day' you'd like to save to go travelling?

Anyway, rather than guessing, ask him straight up if he wants to go travelling, and why he was angry.

jennyc85

yeah I guess we need to have a proper chat... he definitely wants to go travelling! Maybe it was a hard reality that he can't afford to save anything.

marisco_2

It is not good that your partner is getting upset and angry and now refuses to discuss finances with you. It is important in a relationship to be on the same page on this area with the person you share your life with. Otherwise as you are finding out now, it can cause dischord and problems. Ideally this should have been done when you first got together.

You need for him to agree to sit down and have a very frank and open discussion, about your finances and how you will handle them from this point on. Has your partner really been completely oblivious to how big the inbalance was, between what you each contributed to your monthly bills and expenses?

I also find it concerning that when you suggest ways that he could move up from earning minimum wage, such as by looking into doing some training, that he bulks at this idea. That was a sensible suggestion of yours and something most people would at least consider trying.

To be honest none of what you have described to us bodes well for a healthy partnership. I hope you can get through to him and resolve these problems.

pukkamum

I think that when 2 people are earning and have seperate accounts working on percentages is a good idea ie you have a bank account for bills savings etc and you both put in the same percentage, that may take away his feeling of being subsidised.
Or on the other hand you just pool your money completely that way it's just 'our' money as opposed to yours and his.

Errata

jennyc85 wrote: »

yeah I guess we need to have a proper chat... he definitely wants to go travelling! Maybe it was a hard reality that he can't afford to save anything.

Quite possibly. He also needs to face up to the hard reality that he can't afford the lifestyle he's currently enjoying either.

jennyc85

I have considered pooling our money but it feels like a massive jump for an unmarried couple! The percentage thing is a good idea & I think the best option I will definitely suggest that to him.

Rockporkchop

Wow all the previous posters are being very kind about your OH, talking about male pride etc.

In my opinion you have got yourself what is kindly known as a free loader. He has been extremely happy getting a heavily subsidised life with you paying for everything and the only reason he is getting annoyed now is because you have had the audacity to rock the boat and ask for a more reasonable contribution. Him getting upset and refusing to talk about it is just a way of avoiding having to pay his way for as long as possible.

He can't even be bothered to increase his earning potential, and why should he? Even with you earning double what he does you probably have less disposable income than he does after you pay for everything.

My friend lived with one of these men for three years, she finally got him to put his hand in his pocket properly towards bills. He paid the £700 for one month and then !!!!!!ed off to live with some other unsuspecting woman. I really hope your OH isn't like this.

balletshoes

jennyc85 wrote: »

I have considered pooling our money but it feels like a massive jump for an unmarried couple! The percentage thing is a good idea & I think the best option I will definitely suggest that to him.

We didn't pool our money even when we got married - even now, 10 years on, we still don't pool our money. It works for us, and we have loosely done the percentage thing too over the years.

Treevo

He's getting angry and refusing to talk about it? That bodes well for the future!