difficult money conversations with OH

jennyc85

Hi everyone,

Just to start with a bit of background..

My OH & I have lived together for nearly 2 years now (no kids). We don't earn a lot of money (about £33k combined), but I earn twice what he does.

All the bills are in my name (English is not his first language so it was just easier for me to sort everything out), and they way we have worked up until now is I just ask him for money as the bills come in, but I have only really bothered with the biggys such as rent, council tax & gas/electric. All the other 'bits and bobs' I have just paid.

Anyway we are about to move house & have also decided we would love to start trying to save to go travelling, so agreed it is a good time to open a joint bank account - one for the bills plus a savings one for travelling.

But the problem is when we sat down and wrote a list of all our bills, and how much we would each contribute he started getting really upset & angry, and now refuses to talk about money at all.. I don't think he realised how much more I have been paying and now he is saying that he cannot afford our lifestyle.

Now I am obviously happy to pay a bigger chunk than him, due to earning more, but I'm in a difficult situation now where he just gets upset & angry every time I try and bring the conversation up!

I don't really know what to do.. in a way a feel a bit annoyed, because he's almost accusing me of forcing him to live some sort of lifestyle above his means (we do not live extravagantly by anyone's' standards!!). I think maybe he is struggling with the realisation that he would not manage if he were not with me (not to have his own flat anyway).

I really don't want to make him feel bad, but I also don't think I should/could go on paying for pretty much everything!

Anyone else been in this situation??

Errata

Sounds like he's upset because he didn't realise and angry with himself, not you, because he can't make a proper contribution.
Bottom line - you can't afford to save. He needs to understand this and you both need to understand that your plan to 'go travelling' isn't feasible.

CH27

jennyc85 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Just to start with a bit of background..

My OH & I have lived together for nearly 2 years now (no kids). We don't earn a lot of money (about £33k combined), but I earn twice what he does.

All the bills are in my name (English is not his first language so it was just easier for me to sort everything out), and they way we have worked up until now is I just ask him for money as the bills come in, but I have only really bothered with the biggys such as rent, council tax & gas/electric. All the other 'bits and bobs' I have just paid.

Anyway we are about to move house & have also decided we would love to start trying to save to go travelling, so agreed it is a good time to open a joint bank account - one for the bills plus a savings one for travelling.

But the problem is when we sat down and wrote a list of all our bills, and how much we would each contribute he started getting really upset & angry, and now refuses to talk about money at all.. I don't think he realised how much more I have been paying and now he is saying that he cannot afford our lifestyle.

Now I am obviously happy to pay a bigger chunk than him, due to earning more, but I'm in a difficult situation now where he just gets upset & angry every time I try and bring the conversation up!

I don't really know what to do.. in a way a feel a bit annoyed, because he's almost accusing me of forcing him to live some sort of lifestyle above his means (we do not live extravagantly by anyone's' standards!!). I think maybe he is struggling with the realisation that he would not manage if he were not with me (not to have his own flat anyway).

I really don't want to make him feel bad, but I also don't think I should/could go on paying for pretty much everything!

Anyone else been in this situation??

He possibly thought he was paying half of everything & therefore paying his way.
I would be very annoyed to find out that my OH hadn't been honest with me & was subsidising me. I would find it degrading.

balletshoes

have you just had this conversation? It may have come as a bolt from the blue to him, and thats why he may have got upset/angry as a first reaction.

I just wouldn't mention it again now, let it sink in then hopefully he'll come to you with some suggestions about how you can/if you can move or save.

It may not be possible, on your incomes.

My OH isn't British, but when we were talking about living together, I wrote down for him exactly what my outgoings were for the house, bills, car, insurance, taxes, groceries etc etc etc so he knew financially what he was letting himself in for .

jennyc85

No i'm sure he knew.. If I said to him I need £x for the council tax or £x for the electric.. he's not stupid and knows that we have water rates, house insurance, car insurance, phone & internet, etc etc etc....

Maybe he is a bit embarrassed that he can't afford to pay half of the bills I don't know.. I have encouraged & supported him to do further training to get him out of minimum wage work (not for my benefit for his!) but he doesn't seem interested..

To the first comment - I wouldn't say it isn't feasable.. I know loads of people who have gone travelling who earn less than us.

CH27

Does he have savings as he's not been paying half of everything?
Does he send money home to his family?

jennyc85

thanks balletshoes.. that sounds very sensible we moved in together straight after me finishing uni & living in shared accommodation so I don't think either of us knew what we were letting ourselves in for! It's not the first time we've discussed it.. I've tried to bring it up a few times but he HATES talking about money & always gets annoyed/upset. I thought we were finally heading in the right direction by getting the joint account. The thing is I don't mind paying more! I just would like to get everything down on paper, so we both know exactly what our outgoings are and so we can agree how much each of us contribute, rather than just fluffing through not really knowing..

elsien

I agree, 33k with no dependants it should be possible to save.

Maybe seeing it in black and white made it impossible for him to ignore the realities and has dented his pride. (Some blokes are funny like that, daft though it is.) He probably knew before, but seeing it in black and white really rubs it home.
Give him a bit of time, then see what suggestions he has off his own bat. If he wants to make plans he can't ignore the topic forever.

jennyc85

No he doesn't have any savings as far as I know & not sending money home (he's from western europe).

ILW

He probably does not like having it pointed out that he is a bit of a loser financially.

Errata

jennyc85 wrote: »

No i'm sure he knew.. If I said to him I need £x for the council tax or £x for the electric.. he's not stupid and knows that we have water rates, house insurance, car insurance, phone & internet, etc etc etc....

Maybe he is a bit embarrassed that he can't afford to pay half of the bills I don't know.. I have encouraged & supported him to do further training to get him out of minimum wage work (not for my benefit for his!) but he doesn't seem interested..

To the first comment - I wouldn't say it isn't feasable.. I know loads of people who have gone travelling who earn less than us.

Why would he be when he has you to subsidise his lifestyle?