How Would You Feel Revisiting The Past?

[Deleted User]

I rejoined a dating site and got chatting to a guy. I found out that he has property 2 doors away from a house I sold with my emotionally abusive ex. A million to one thing to happen, but it has.
He said he would have liked to have met me. But I feel I cant revisit the place. It holds so many bad memories for me, so much so after I logged off the site after chatting to him I cried myself to sleep, reliving my past of 2007.
How would you feel? He owns the house 2 doors away but doesn't live in it. I still have memories, both good and bad of the whole area. Obviously im over my ex, but am I over the home I lost. It was everything to me. He doesn't understand, maybe a woman thing. But it was like my castle. I have tears in my eyes now just typing this, Am I being silly. Do you ever get over emotional abuse. I thought I had......

paulineb_2

He doesnt live in that house. I could understand if you had concerns if he was living there, but he isnt.

And Ive been in relationships where Ive been emotionally abused, its awful, but sometimes you need to move on.

Its just bricks and mortar, you dont ever need to go there.

[Deleted User]

I know, its just bought it all back. I have moved on and right out of that area so I didn't have to go back. Its not the house as much as the years I lived there right in that road. A bit of a shock to me.

meritaten

I am not sure I understand this - you say his post evoked bad memories yet describe the house as your castle? that implies good safe memories - yet your post implies bad memories?

[Deleted User]

Sorry, yes the home was everything I ever wanted and I put my money into it by selling my own home I owned, and jointly bought this one. so yes the house was my castle. The bad memories come in when he realised he could do, say and do what he did because in his words, he could, because I wasn't ever going to leave the house. I did of course leave. So good memories as for the three years before we split everything was good and bad memories as the last 2 were hell. Edited to say, when I mean jointly, I paid for the old house sale, deposit and move he didn't as he didn't have any money. we had a joint mortgage on this house.

meritaten

But this guy has nothing to do with that! he doesn't even live in the street you say. you have issues pertaining to the house which I can understand - love the house hate what happened there. and just being connected to the neighbourhood is disturbing to you. you may need help to separate this guy from his association to your past - have you considered counselling?

[Deleted User]

Obviously this guy has nothing to do with that. but he was talking about his neighbours, which were my neighbours, the places he goes to etc. He owns a house which he rents out yes and he does go there not to live but to visit everyone. Its a very close community there. Kind of if your not bought up there you feel an outsider. And im not the only one to say that. So everyone knows everyone and he does socialise with all the neighbours, even the one that now lives in my old house. I don't know how counselling would help.. I cant erase the past, I just don't feel comfortable revisiting that place. Ive had no reason to, and for that fact my youngest son said he felt the same too.

marisco_2

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so upset. The fact that the thought of returning to the area where you had a home and built a life with your ex, brings on such a strong reaction and reduces you to tears, suggests that you suffered a really awful ordeal years ago. Have you ever considered having some counselling to help address your feelings over all that went on?

I left an abusive marriage nearly 7 years ago now. Like yourself I moved from the town where we had lived and have since built a new life for myself far away from it. I have returned there several times though, to visit the many valued friends I had made over the years, who still live in the area. It felt very odd and a little uncomfy initially. However with my friends help I have built new, happy memories with them and I now feel happy and at ease whenever I go and see them.

Could this guy come and visit you where you are based instead? If you get on and think you could be compatible it seems a shame to give up on getting to know him altogether.

[Deleted User]

I think it was more the shock of where he lived. I didn't have any friends there, it wasn't an area I really liked and to be honest Im now back living where I was bought up. Ive only spoken to the guy for 2 evenings so I havnt formed an opinion of him. Maybe I could go and drive round and see how I feel. Part of me feels silly for feeling like this but then again it was an emotional time for me. The last thing I wanted to happen was if I decided I wanted to meet this guy is to spend more time thinking of what happened in my past than meeting him and talking. I don't think I want counselling as there isn't much to say, its the fact that after years its now back in my mind, when for the last 4 it hasn't been.

fluffnutter

Can't you meet him somewhere else? If things work out for you, your desire to see him and make a go of it will become more important than the associations you have with an area he happens to have a house in. An area he doesn't even live in. Why not agree to stop mentioning that particular area and concentrate on getting to know each other.

I think you might be right about the counselling - if you genuinely believe you've moved on and this is just a temporary set-back, then the best thing is to simply stop thinking about it. Stop crying, stop talking about the area, stop posting threads about it and do something to distract yourself. Having lots of people comment on this thread is hardly going to help you stop thinking about it, tbh.

gallygirl

Well done on finding the courage to move out and on, sounds like you were in an awful situation and it's unfortunate you've had a reminder.

He has caused you enough grief though so please don't let him continue to dictate how you live your life. Instead of thinking how much you loved the house can you turn it on its' head? Drive past - remember how broken you were when you left and how strong you are now and give a loud 'SCR*W YOU' (checking no neighbours about first ). A house is just a pile of bricks. It's love that makes it a home and to be honest it doesn't sound as if it was a home to you for long, it's a symbol of your broken dreams. Would you sooner still be the person you were and living there with that life or the person you are now? Focus on how far you've come.

Good luck :T.