I need advice

scrappie_2

I'm sorry if this post turns into a bit of a ramble - I just can't seem to organise my own thoughts right now.

Background info -

For the past 10 years I have worked in the same department and have become very good friends with my line manager. We have had nights out, meals with the family and friends, holidays together. I thought I had a really good friend in her

Last year I went off sick due to work related stress, which lead to a period of depression. In total I had 5 months off work. In all this time my friend/ boss did not contact me to see how I was doing. This fact really upset me - I thought we had a friendship that would survive such an event.

I have been back at work for 7 months and have recently changed my job. The pressures of the old job were always going to be there, no matter what, so it was best that I got out while the going was good and I was still in good health. All of this move was been delt with between HR and my 'big boss'. Just to keep my line manager in the loop I sent an e-mail to let her know that I would be leaving the department withing the next two weeks. I didn't even get a reply!

So, my issue now---

I'm just sooooo angry. Angry that she never got in touch, angry that she contributed to the stress in the first place (due to her management style), angry that she has never been in contact with me about the new job. But most of all I'm angry that I had such a poor taste in friends - usually I'm such a good judge of character.

Other workmates have asked how 'we' are as friends and I have made no secret of the fact that she has totally cut me off since I got ill. I hate to talk behind someones back, and feel that I should tell her what I have said and just how I feel. But part of me thinks, leave well alone.

So what's your advice?? Would you say anything or not? I'm just lost in my own thoughts at the moment and don't want to make a decision that will come back to bite me on the bum in the future.

All help and advice appreciated!

Counting_Pennies_2

I am afraid some work colleagues just put on an act and yes it does come to socialising, but it isn't deep friendship. More a convenient association.

When you went off sick, did you discuss it with her, did you talk about why you were going off sick?

If not perhaps she saw it as a betrayal to her, perhaps she was hurt you didn't discuss it with her first?

justme111

She might been advised not to get in touch. Really , dont you see that an employee who went of work sick for 5 months with stress who she been a line manager to is a mine for her and safer to be avoided ? specially if that emploee 2as unhappy with her management style.

marisco_2

It must have come as a shock to you, when someone that you felt you had a close friendship and special connection with, chose not to contact you or show any concern when you were off work sick.

Every once in a while friendships call for people to step up. Sometimes people rise above themselves. Others end up surprising you and fall way short. That is no reflection on you as a person or your ability to be a good judge of character. When people behave like this toward a friend, who needs a little extra help and support through a tough time, it is down to there being a failing within them.

My advice is to forget this shallow, selfish person. Spend time with nice people, who are considerate and value you. Friendships should help you, not hurt you.

coolcait

That's a very, very difficult situation for someone who is both manager and friend. And a very good reason for keeping very clear boundaries between the two things.

Right at the end of your post you say that part of the reason for your stress was your friend/manager's 'management style'.

If you had made that known to her, or others, she might not have seen that as particularly 'friendly' behaviour from you. As a manager, it would make it even more difficult for her to risk contacting you, in case you saw it as another stressful aspect of her management style.

And so on. The manager of someone who is on long-term sick leave, especially for stress, has to behave in a very different way from a non-workplace friend.

What efforts did you make to keep in touch with your friend while you were off work?

After all, she might also feel that you have cut her off ever since you got ill...

scrappie_2

When you went off sick, did you discuss it with her, did you talk about why you were going off sick?

I was sat crying on her sofa at home the night before I went off sick. She knew exactly what was going on.

She might been advised not to get in touch.

I did think of this at the time - but is was a friend I needed, not my manager. Up till that point we had always managed to draw a very clear line between boss and friendship. What happened in the office stayed in the office - and the same went for anything going on outside of work.

My advice is to forget this shallow, selfish person. Spend time with nice people, who are considerate and value you. Friendships should help you, not hurt you.

Thankyou so much for these kind words, actually made me cry. I suppose that deep down I don't want to admit failure and give up on what I thought was a great friendship.

Right at the end of your post you say that part of the reason for your stress was your friend/manager's 'management style'.
If you had made that known to her, or others, she might not have seen that as particularly 'friendly' behaviour from you.

Because of our friendship she always went out of her way to appear objective. She did not want anyone to think I was getting an easy ride. Far from it, she was more tough on me than anyone - and all the staff comented on it. It was her 'micromanaging' I had issues with, and I told her. I got paid a lot of money to do a very stressfull/ responsible job, I just wanted to be left alone on a day to day basis to do it. Thats not to say I didnt need a manager, just not one that made sure I took just 15mins for my break - not a minute more. As for it been 'friendly' behaviour - she was my boss at work and my friend out of it. If I ever had issues with what was going on I would always mention it - friendly or not.

, What efforts did you make to keep in touch with your friend while you were off work?

I think this answers my questions - I did try to get in touch, e-mail and txt. The only time I got a response was just before we were due to go on holiday. We had a great time away, and no contact since. Again, I have e-mailed - it just looks like I am no longer her type I guess.

I do have lots of other friends who have all been great during this tough time - I'm thinking I need to spend more time with them and start smiling!

Treevo

I think you need to look at it from her point of view. You took off five months for depression due to her 'management style'. You expected her to continue being a friend when you'd blamed it on her? How was that meant to work? You'd cry about the evil biatch at work to your friend who ceased to be said evil biatch at 6pm? It's also very likely that she was required to stay away from you because the company recognised that she is just one person. For all your talk of boundaries and separation - she's still the one woman. The woman you're claiming is responsible for such a serious mental health issue. The woman who was your manager first, and whose behaviour could lead to you taking legal action against your employer.

As an aside, I've dealt with friends who developed depression and they became very selfish because of it. Mostly unwittingly so, but it happened nonetheless. And so I think you should bear that in mind before heaping the blame on your manager, while refusing to see her side. Depression is an awful illness - one that can leave a long legacy behind.

podperson

Perhaps I'm missing something but you were off work sick for 5 months and have now been back for 7 months so that's a whole year since you've actually been at the stage where you were 'friends' with this woman? Surely that says it all? Sadly when we have difficult times it can show up very clearly who our true friends are and who are merely acquantainces who are happy to socialise but not be there for the tough bits. Now you know so I would just move on and not waste any more time and energy on her.

Janey3

I do think it was remiss of her not to have contacted you when you were ill, albeit, in her role as your Manager.

She has clearly chosen her job over your friendship and time for you to move on and try and forget this bad experience.

She was never a true friend, just a work colleague/your manager and associate.

SuzieSue

It is difficult enough to have close friends at work as sometimes circumstances at work can cause stresses which wouldn't happen in other friendships, but being close friend with your line manger is almost impossible.

As you have found, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to completely separate work and personal lives. You criticised her management style and then were off sick for 5 months because of it. Even if she was in the wrong with her style of management, the reason for it was because of your friendship. Don't you think that she has realised that it is not possible for her to have a close relationship with someone she manages and has decided to keep her distance? I am surprised that you would expect her to do anything else and also surprised that you didn't come to the same conclusion yourself and decide to keep your distance.

SavingPennies_2

Since you say the stress was mainly caused by her management syle I cant understand why you were such good friends in the first place. However right or wrong I can understand why she hasnt ceased the friendship as you are (again rightly or wrongly - dont know the details) partially blaming her, she may have felt angry with you and feared repercussions in her own job.